Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

My God, the replies.

Who the fuck will pay for/is expected to pay for childcare during school holidays? OP too?

These are crazy answers. IMO you are being financially abused and used as free childcare.

I would expect my OH to have mentioned it, but not that I would be spending it! It's his money not yours!

I think it depends how your finances are set generally. We split everything 50/50 for bills and things so our finances are independent.

Having said that, when either of us come into unexpected money, we do tend to put part of it towards a treat - so a weekend away etc. But it's not a definite.

Could you increase your hours so that you earn more, or get a different job?

So tell him now. You can't get to work. He needs to transfer you the money to get the repair done. You literally can't take the risk with a repair like that that's needed.

When my timing belt needed done I bought the belt kit and a little independent fitted it for me at a reduced cost. The big dealers wanted eyeballs and sockets. Ring around.

My DH and I take full responsibility for ourselves, but according to you, we're "enmeshed" (yawn!) because we operate as a partnership - as the best marriages do - discussing issues/problems together and jointly finding solutions. And somehow it's worked happily and well for 44 years.

@AppropriateAdult In our house this would also be "family money" and we would also decide together how best to save, invest or spend it.

@everychildmatters Just to be clear about this OP, are you saying that with this latest gift plus a previous inheritance, your DH has £15k squirreled away in his sole account whilst you bought a new bed with what little spare money you have (correction: had!) and you can't afford to ensure your car doesn't break down en route to a student one day? If so, yes, your DH needs a serious talking to - this is not how a good life partnership works! And don't get me started on his deceit by omission by not telling you about the £5k gift (which, as a pp wrote, would only be excusable if you were a spendthrift or had a gambling addiction).
If you car does break down at some point in the future OP, and you can't get to work, what do you think your DH would do?

@gamerchick I'm going to look into seeing if I can take out a loan and get it fixed over Easter hols when don't need it for work. My credit rating is very good so should be able to 🙏

You are coming across as entitled. You’ve listed what you need the money for. I’m sure also if you gave him half a chance he’d help where he could he also lives there so I assume he pays rent. Why don’t you get a better job? I used to work in a school and still got paid the exact same per month.

@purpleblue2 He has a lot more "spare" than me once bills are paid, plus around £15k savings. I don't work in a school.

They always come out this time of night. The incels who want to bring Mumsnet down from the inside'. Go out of their way in their sad little lives to be twats.

That's the polite version like.

Totally agree, I can't imagine a marriage with such divided finances.

OP, you need to sit with your husband this weekend and create a spreadsheet. You will need to include all of his outgoing expenses as well as yours, his salary, yours, savings etc. You can then see how much it will cost to fix the car, how much you can both squirrel away for a deposit for your own place. The key thing is that you need to work as a team. It looks like you’re the only one fretting about finances and he’s got more than £15k saved.

Why would you do that and pay interest on that loan when your DH has £15k in his bank account? You have family income and family expenses. Why would you increase your family's expenses because one of you (your DH in this case) wants to keep this £15k all to himself? Why would you choose to make yourselves, as a family unit, worse off when things are already tight? I'm just not getting this, but then my DH and I have always pooled our resources.

It sounds like you have a lot of plans for the 5k. As he has £15,000 saved what is he saving for? A home for you all? It should be shared in a relationship but it sounds like you are paying for more but somehow he has more money saved. Who is the spender in the relationship? I think it’s unfair he didn’t tell you but I think you both need to converse so you are on the same page going forward. Particularly so saving and spending is fair.

@MsBucket Once everything is paid we have nothing left so buying is out of the question. And not mortageable on his income alone (I don't have a contract for my employment). We're renters for life unfortunately.
I've tried sitting down with him before but he just says he can't afford to pay any more.

@Fioratourer Not for a home as nobody would give us a mortgage on his salary alone.

Meanwhile your husband has a brand new car and doesn’t seem bothered that your car needs repaired. Would he really have told you about the £5k if your sister-in-law never mentioned it? What was he planning to do the £15k saved? Is he saving for a house deposit?

I guess every relationship is different and has its own thinking about how to divide assets and income. I think there can be many ways to do that but whatever method you use on income side it needs to end with an agreement on what to save, what you will/can use savings for and each of you having similar available money to spend as you please. With assets I feel like it’s less clear cut. If one of you has significant assets to start or inherits them I can see scenarios where you might want to retain them.
In our relationship the money would be ours and we’d decide whether to save or spend it together.

@MsBucket He only has a shiny new car courtesy of Bank of Mum and Dad. He's 49 btw!!!!!

OP. It would be super useful to get all this down as suggested, on a spreadsheet, (including your childcare over holidays) to show a lawyer.

I agree he has far more than 15k hidden. Keep this all to yourself. IME this is only going to get worse.

@BlackStrayCat I couldn't afford to live on my own. Couldn't pay the rent.

I have no idea of the criteria necessary for Universal Credit especially if you have a child but your income does not sound sufficient for your needs. So should you be looking at this? Turn2Us would give you an idea and would take account of your rental payments and if you should be claiming housing or council tax benefits.
Aside from that you do need to talk to your DH - if you drive your car until the timing chain actually goes then you could be looking at a new car rather than a repair bill. Whereas your DH should be aware there is no 'I' in team and that you should support each other in your partnership and that he should step up and he should offer to help pay for the car repairs or use his 'gift' to cover the shortfall during the holidays. It might be a gift but he is one hell of a selfish DH if he leaves you worrying about how you may cope in future. As you have already mentioned - no car - means no job and then ultimately no income for you and that will affect him!!
On another note - if you know you are unpaid in the holidays then you need to earmark some of your monthly income in savings to cover your loss of earnings. So realistically speaking if you cover all the childcare in the holidays that is roughly 13 weeks per year. So £450 per week is £17550 for 39 weeks work. Divide that by 52 and you should be putting away £100+ to cover the holidays. You say he earns £2k per month which basically only covers the rent leaving you to pick up the shortfall. Yet when you do the sums you seem to be contributing more money to the pot even though you earn less! What is he doing with rest of his income?

Put all the bills in his name and transfer him
£1000 a month. You can save £900 a month then. It’s your turn to pay £1k and him to pick up the rest.

@Rainbow1901 We don't qualify for anything unfortunately. The only other income we have is CB. I look after little one over the school holidays so don't pay for childcare.

@stillhiding1990 I've suggested this but he's not willing.

So you’ve put your £450 pw wages into a benefit calculator, listed yourself as single and rent as £1050 and it gave you a zero entitlement calculation?