Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Ok but Op knows that and is still driving the car so that’s sort of irrelevant, yes she has to go to work but that’s a risk she’s willingly taking. It is unreasonable that he hasn’t offered to pay for the timing belt

Agreed, cost me £320 to get my Volvo D5 done. Would he interested to know what kind of car this is!

@everychildmatters IMO I think you need to take a long hard look at what's going on and what the future holds for you and DD. DH is happy to have anyone fund him at whatever cost to them. He is happy for his 4 year old to be in a car which requires something doing which could wipe out the engine if not carried out and on a busy road (is it a Ford btw with a timing belt buried beneath the engine?)

If I had to make a prediction it would be that he is allowing you to fund as much as possible now and when his parents pass away he will inherit and divorce you. It’s literally a win win for him. Without owning a property many of the usual marital benefits don't come into play. There's no house for you to get more than 50/50 of, he's a low earner etc etc.

This is financial abuse. £30 ph sounds like a good rate but what do you earn in a year? You say he would want 50/50 but could he actually provide that? Look on a benefit calculator and see what you would be entitled to on your own with DD. I think he is playing the long game and you need to as well. Where is the rent going to come from once retired? It sounds very much like he would happily have lots of inheritance in the bank and see you turning yourself inside out to provide. If he has savings you also won't qualify for benefits. You would be much better off on your own now and in the future.

You are working for the wrong agency.

Good tutors can take home significantly more than £450pw if working 9-3.

Prep time can be paid, either by having paid time to do it or by the hourly rate taking account of planning time. A good EOTAS package includes prep time for staff. It is a poor package that doesn’t account for this and other indirect time.

TBH OP I think you need to try to get a job in a school.

You're probably earning around £15K -£16K pa (based on 36 weeks x £450 a week.) And you'll pay NI and tax on that too.

That's less than a 0.5 post in a school (2 and a half days a week.)

Is there a reason you can't work in a school- do your have QTS and experience?

You also presumably aren't contributing to a pension for yourself which is something you seriously need to consider because by the time you're late 60s the state pension may not be what it is now- and even now it's barely enough to live on without some form of private pension.

Your child is 4 so any childcare costs will be minimal once they start school.

I'm saying this because your marriage comes over as unsustainable and you really do need to improve your career so it pays more.

IME tutoring as a choice is often as a 2nd income, or for older teachers who've retired unless they are very proactive and run holiday lessons and can charge a lot more per hour (ie dyslexia trained or offering A level subjects.)

I just can’t ever get on board with this. So many people marry, buy a house together, have children together, but still keep finances separate…it is mental.

When me and my husband get paid, we work out all the bills to see what is left, then he transfers all of his remaining money to ‘my’ account. We spend on the credit card on all of our groceries etc through the money and this gets paid off on payday, then we do the whole this again, with all spare money going into ‘my’ account.

the one I call my account is a joint account? He can access it whenever he wants, he just doesn’t without mentioning he needs to, for example if we have my son’s driving lessons to pay for etc, or if we have reached our self imposed limit on the credit card. But then whatever is in my account is our fun money or holidays, Christmas , or savings, whatever we want really.

if we had it separate I think we would both waste money or we could end up thinking one would have the money to pay off a holiday or activity but then find out we don’t. FWIW my husband and I have exactly the same wage (down to the penny) but have done this when I have had less because of maternity. And when we had a household income of 28k and 100k…it has always worked and there is never any resentment about money and who pays what percentage. All of our money is ours as a couple, always will be.

How can tutors work 9-3?
That would mean relying on home schooled children. There aren't enough to make that feasible.
Most tutoring is from 3pm-6pm.

You really do need to get a teaching job that pays over the holidays. Are they paying you holiday pay?

@ItsaWarmWind tutors can work during school time. If you had read the thread you would see OP does. There are DC who receive tutoring via EOTAS/EOTIS.

@everychildmatters you could earn more if you had the children come to your home for tutoring, if that is feasible

There is most definitely tutoring work in the holidays but privately- not via an LEA.

You could make a lot more money if you had a more entrepreneurial approach.
Holiday lessons or small groups for children who are 'behind'.

Pupils coming to your house.

£30 an hour is a very low rate and that's because it's from the LA.

On your own, you might make £35 -£40 and if you specialised in common entrance of 11+ exams, a lot more.

If you insist on working as a tutor rather than in a school, you need to think of it more as a business, and work out how you can earn more in your location.

'Can' work- or 'only' work?

I have read the whole thread and see now she's working for the LA not as a private tutor.

She needs to re-think this IMO or get a salaried post in a school.

Why?

@ItsaWarmWind can work. Obviously OP can work outside of 9-3 if she wants. I never said she can only work 9-3, just that that is what she is currently working.

Some DC with EOTAS/EOTIS (with or without the C on the end) have tutoring funded by the LA outside of term time.

If OP insists on children coming to her, that will significantly limit the pool of children. For lots of DC with EOTAS/EOTIS going to the tutors home won’t be appropriate.

My suggestion is that she works either solely as a private tutor and does 15 hours for more pay, or combines her day work for the LA with tutoring from 3pm, or she goes into schools and gets a salaried post.

Most private tutors work from home if they are in demand because they can do 3 x 1hr slots or 4 x 45 min slots back to back, without having to drive between families.

I can't see a good reason why she doesn't consider any of these.

Of course OP can do any of the suggestions on the thread. I haven’t posted otherwise!

However, if OP wants to work with SEN DC with EOTAS/EOTIS packages as she is doing and wants to do, most tutors for EOTAS DC do not work from home and insisting on it will significantly limit the pool. Good packages cover travel time.

The solution is divorce, OP. No matter how many good qualities his guy supposedly has he is a grown man essentially living off of mummy and daddy at almost 50!! Things aren't going to change anytime soon, if ever - this is your life. I'd focus on putting steps into motion for your and your child's future separate from your "D"H.

Ignore the posters giving you grief. There's been so many MRAs, benefit bashing, and women stuck up the arse of men, on MN over the past few weeks I'm sure they're on this thread too.

Usually in those cases the man holds all the financial control because he’s a significantly higher earner and the woman has given up/slowed down her career to birth and care for their children. So it’s the only way the woman can have some financial security of her own when her husband already has his own, in those cases.

In the op’s case the husband is leaving her to shoulder the majority of household expenses every month whilst keeping money for himself. Then on top of this he doesn’t tell op about a lump sum he’s received when she’s losing sleep over her car repairs.

We share our money. I inherited a huge sum. It was “our” money

I'm surprised there's no holiday tutoring - that was exactly when my parents got a tutor for my DB.

@Ellmau I'm a EOTAS tutor so that's why it's more difficult. The packages are funded by the LA for children unable to access mainstream education because of significant additional needs. There is no funding for EOTAS in holidays by my LA.
Assuming your DB is not an EOTAS student?

I don't think you've ever expected enough

You are not in a partnership

If you can’t sit down together and have an adult conversation looking at your outgoings and income then your relationship needs to end.

There is no funding for EOTAS in holidays by my LA.

Provision outside of term time (whether that’s by having flexibility to stretch term time provision or by increased number of weeks funded) is possible in all LAs. Provision is based on the child or young person’s needs, not on local LA policy. Despite what many think, the law is the same in all LAs. LAs don’t like people to know this and often lie about it, so I wouldn’t take their word for no DC in the LA having EOTAS/EOTIS provision outside of term time.

You don’t have to be limited to only working with DC in your LA.

@StrivingForSleep I made contact via agency and they said there wasn't any holiday work for me as a tutor and I called a fellow tutor who has been doing it for a lot longer than me just to double-check this. He confirmed this was the case for him too (same LA).
10 hour a week packages term-time only on all of the referrals I've received.
Wonder if it's worth contacting the LA directly to ask? I would be thrilled to work with EOTAS over the holidays if I can afford.that plus childcare 😀

Whoever has told you there is no work has given you incorrect information.

Rather than via the LA, you need to make contacts in the SEN world. Not all EOTAS/EOTIS DC who have tutoring funded by the LA have the provision commissioned by the LA directly. Some have DPs the parents either manage or that are managed by a third party.

If you want to work via an agency, there are other agencies, and there are DC in other LAs you can work with.