Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."

I'm being thick here but I can't work out who gave what to whom.

Your SIL is your husband's sister?

So was HER husband given £5K or yours?

Sil I assume is the sister of dh

Another of these weird set ups with money...

If I need a car for work, the family budget pays for it. I can't get past all this "husband help me to buy myself a car" stuff - it's a family purchase surely so you can work and bring in your pay to the pot??

I did only read the first page of the thread so sorry if things have moved on by now..... Just struck me in the OPs first few replies

A few posters, including me, have talked about sitting down and going through finances, working out income and outgoings and splitting things more fairly. Op has ignored these posts (despite replying to many others). I feel for her as clearly her husband is being unfair (without even bringing the 5k into it) and she is in a stressful situation but she seems to ignore sensible advice!

I've never heard of a timing belt costing £2k. Do you drive a Rolls Royce?

Which? say that the average cost is £430.

If you've genuinely been quoted £2k, you need to phone another five garages that have good reviews and/or are recommended by friends.

Ok so this week is the perfect time to redo your budget....
I would go back 3 years if you can.
Work out last year's bills. Then the monthly average.
Then do the same for the years before the same way.
Then show him how much each item has increased.
Then tell him his part is not covering half the bills...
Next remind him you need to save for a new car OR HE will need to cover all bills as you won't be able to work....
Then don't speak...
Let him talk himself out...
The you agree with him, that you can see his point of view, but if you can't work with no car he will be paying all the bills.

Would you risk a timing belt snapping with a young child in the car, knowing the person who married you was sitting on a large chunk of change?

This makes no sense. You're struggling and he's underpaying towards your monthly expenses, getting new cars bought for him and hiding money?
Does he not care about you?
Does he not care for his child who's life will be hindered by a parent unable to work, bogged down by stress and seething with resentment?
What kind of relationship is this?
How do you even like someone who cares so little about you @everychildmatters ?

Right, I have read all of your answers and now want to say sorry. However, you did not word it well or explain it well at all.

Your husband is a dick. It doesnt matter that he is 'so good in many other ways', this is financial abuse.

You need to work out all of your bills and split it so you are both left with the same amount each month. In a marriage, one person shouldnt be left with £1000 each month while the other has absolutely nothing. If your car needs fixing then this is also a joint cost. Savings are joint savings because there is no ability to save money if the other isnt contributing.

He needs sitting down and telling. He also needs telling that what he is doing is financial abuse. You need to change how things are done or he needs to go. If he went, you would get universal credit (or something, im not sure, take advice), you might even find you are better off.

This is way more than an issue about a £5k gift from his parents. I cannot believe you havent lost your shit with him over the split of money. I would absolutely not accept this.

I do think you need to look at alternative incomes, even if you have to work a few evening a week in Tesco, it will top up the JOINT income too. Although if he is £1k spare a month then you probably dont need to.

Please just get a joint account!

This is how we do things:

We keep an equal amount each for personal spends - this depends on your financials obviously, and covers clothes, haircuts, personal hobbies, personal toiletries, treat foods or meals out etc.

Everything else goes into joint account.

ALL joint bills come out of joint account. Including work related expenses like travel, kids related expenses, and in your case union fees.

I'd think your partner's union fees and car insurance for two cars aren't much more than £200 a month so where's the extra £800 going?!

He needs to explain this to you, now.

I do think you need to look at alternative incomes, even if you have to work a few evening a week in Tesco, it will top up the JOINT income too. Although if he is £1k spare a month then you probably dont need to.

Lol I love it when people trott this out. Have you tried to get a job in Tesco?

I'm generally quite against the UK's benefits culture, but it seems that your child, household income and rent would result in quite a large UC award.

Why aren't you claiming UC?

Lol I love it when people trott this out. Have you tried to get a job in Tesco?

OP could quite easily do some tutoring though-after school, during the holidays or at the weekends. It doesn't have to be through the LA.

Still not answering what you would have done if the £5000 had not surfaced?

Why won't you answer? I will give up asking now, and just surmise that you just want to spend any money your husband comes into on yourself, and YOUR needs and wants, rather than make any attempt to earn any extra money yourself.

No wonder he keeps trying to hide his money.

It’s possible that his parents said it was for him rather than you as a family. Without knowing your situation there could be a reason for this.
for example my mum gave my sister £1000 she was struggling with bills. My sister spent it on something completely unnecessary for her partner. My mum has never got over it and was really upset and will never give my sister money again, which is a shame as she struggles.
is there a back story about why they might want your partner to have the money but not you? I may be completely off the mark but just offering a different perspective. There may have been terms and conditions to the gift of money.

You could pick up plenty of work in the holidays as a SEND tutor. Parents often want help during the holidays to keep up their children’s knowledge and you don’t have to limit yourself to SEND only. Then there’s holiday clubs for SEN children that are crying out for staff, or respite.

If you’re that anxious about money, you need to find ways to increase your income before considering your husbands gifts from his parents.

This. You mentioned being through UPR which makes you too expensive but this is often trotted out and just isn’t true - decent schools want decent teachers. You would be able to find a teaching job. Even on MPR you would probably be better off overall, and you would be paid over the holidays.

Does your local authority have a car leasing scheme?

(I had a second job during my training year and first two years of teaching - if your husband is home in the evenings and you’re determined to stay on your hourly contract you may need to look into this… but keep the money for yourself!!)

I think he was being unreasonable but also I notice you had a list of things ready for him to spend it on.

The car hasn’t broke yet Op said it’s on its last legs and she’s not sure what to do when it packs up. How does she know that when the car does eventually pack up her DH may of mentioned the money or come up with a solution. Maybe he didn’t mention it because he didn’t want it frittering away so that when the car breaks or something breaks in the house etc he has some money for it

Please don’t speak to his parents, it’s really not up to them to involve themselves in their middle aged son’s financial dispute with his wife!
it’s up to them if they have extra money they want to give down to their kids, it’s not up to them to get involved with how it’s spent afterwards.
OP seems to have a bee in her bonnet about them giving their children cash but look at it another way- if they hadn’t bought him a new car, given money for holidays etc then that would be more money OP and DH have to find from their wages that they don’t have. So parents money is benefitting OP, maybe just not in the way she would choose (directly to her) but benefitting nonetheless

He probably wants to keep it as a cushion against unexpected financial needs. I suspect he thinks you are likely to want to dip into it. Everyone has different ideas about money and how to use it. We are completely open about our money because we have always agreed on what to do with it. On the other hand I know someone else who has told me that he doesn’t tell his wife when he gets any extra money as he says she will want to spend it before he has a chance to consider what is the best way to use it.

OP, you need to leave him. You really do.

Surely OP driving around in her car with a dangerous fault with their child is an emergency? Best case scenario, the car breaks down completely and the OP can't work without it but no-one is hurt, worst case scenario OP and their child are injured or killed.

No, not "they" - she. OP's MIL told OP this, which you'd know if you'd RTFT.

I'm so confused by this whole thread and the responses you have had OP..

If my job depended on me having a car, and my car needed repairs or to be replaced and my DH had £15k there would be no fucking chance in hell DH wouldn't be suggesting OFF HIS OWN BACK to take some of that money and sort out the car situation.

Marriage is a partnership, I know what money DH has or hasn't got and vice versa. If he needs money from me I hand it over, and vice versa.

When I was a SAHM he transferred me 50% of his wages every month, at his suggestion!!

Sorry OP, your husband doesn't sound like a partner.