Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

@StrivingForSleep That's.helpful, thank you. The biggest thing that puts me off other LAs is travel time against working hours. The very most they can manage a session is 2.5 hours but even if I could get 2.5 hours per day in the hols and travelled for about an hour or more that may well help with things financially. I'll look into it - thanks.

Some DC have online tutoring.

Some DC have sessions longer than 2.5hrs, especially when this isn’t tutoring it the traditional academic sense.

Like others I suspect that your husband has more than £15k stashed away. It seems he is consistently underpayng his way and has more disposable income than you.
This is a natural time of year to review all your shared outgoings, especially in view of the increased cost of living.

I hope you can find your anger and determination to make things fair. It is just not good enough for him to airily assert that he cannot afford more than he currently contributes. I would not just take his word on this. What is the evidence? £1000 may have been reasonable when it was first set up but costs have risen enormously since then even in the last year (except car insurance which has dropped!) It is time for a comprehensive spreadsheet of all outgoings and discussion about fair contributions. As renters there is also the chance of a stonking rent rise in the future if you are unlucky.

I don't know the pre-story of why you are not working in a school-based job but there have been some good ideas on alternatives to what you are currently doing which involves unpaid trapped time travelling around and the necessity of a car.

Lastly, I was horrified that you feel you could not trust your husband to pay important bills if they were left to him. The hypocrisy of a mental health worker wilfully putting his wife under relentless stress and anxiety about money when he could choose to help her is jaw-dropping to me. Do you have family or friends to discuss your situation? Your posts sound very stressed and it is difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are in the midst ofeverything. There are some very helpful posts here among the harsh and nasty ones. Good luck!

If you don’t work during school holidays, which must be near 12 weeks per year and receive no wage how do you manage to pay your bills during that time?

Can you do private out of school hours teaching?

@Bettyfromlondon Thank you. I'm not feeling great today and quite shaky, but some of that is probably due to lack of sleep as well as anxiety.
I will take some time to think about the next steps and will prioritise trying to find the money to get my car fixed as that's just adding to my worry! ❤️

100% this. ^ The OP won't admit it though. (That the cash gifts her DH is getting are actually benefiting her further down the line....)

They genuinely are. It took my very experienced sister a long time to find a job after returning from teaching in Spain. It's because schools can't afford to employ more experienced people as they cost more.

I'm not sure how they're going to benefit me down the line, @BatchCookBabe, that's part of the problem. He was never going to tell me about the money.

@everychildmatters why are you ignoring all the posts advising you to sit down and revisit finances with your husband?? He needs to be aware of the total monthly household expenses and how his contribution is not enough and is penalising you unfairly. People are trying to help you but you seem determined to ignore sensible advice?!

She's probably not as sounds like she's a peri? She may only be able to actually teach for about 3 hours a day and is travelling the rest. That's probably why pay is 30 and hour. To cover the time she is travelling too.

@Mnetcurious I've tried time and time again. He believes his contributions are reasonable.

@Applepaste They live with Dad. My husband has zero financial contribution them (quite rightly).

@Applepaste I pay for all of their costs when they visit.

Wtf has that got to do with anything or you?

Theres some vile posters on this thread. Need to go and get laid or something.

Why on earth you think that OP will benefit from these cash gifts further down the line is beyond me. You are just making stuff up to try and show OP's DH in a good light for some reason.

He contributes less than his share to the household bills and expenses which OP has to top up every month which is why she is unable to save anything for her car repairs. She doesn't benefit in any way from his car or his stashed away savings.

Possibly, if he needed to fund a car for himself without his parents' contributions, he would just reduce his payments for rent/bills making OP pay even more, but I wouldn't frame this as a benefit to OP.

You don't need to look for ay devils.

The OP pays more out, is driving a dangerous car because she pays more out, is too skint to fix it and her husband, who pays less is sitting on a chunk of cash that was given for the family but he's kept it secret and to himself.

Why the fuck would you want to look for small details to tip the scales in his favour? Why?

Have you had a timing belt go on you? Would you allow your spouse or child to to use a car that needs that kind of repair when you had more than enough money to fix it stashed in the bank?

If you would, it says quite a lot about you as a person.

Have you not asked him for an explanation of WHY he thinks they are reasonable? Eg if household expenses are 2.5k per month including food shop etc. and he contributes 1k then he needs to explain why it’s ok for you to pay more than him.
You need to look at what both of your take home pay after deductions averaged over a year is to look at things fairly - I see you talk about hourly rate before tax, pension etc but that complicates things - it’s about the money you both actually have available to you.
If he can’t give you a good reason why he should contribute less (I can’t think of one) or agree to contribute more because that’s what is fair, then you need to issue an ultimatum. Why would you stay in a financially abusive marriage?

Have the two of you ever sat down and actually worked out your finances? Broken down outgoings and figured out what is fair/equitable?

yes, in covid when I had no income I got a job in tesco. recently my brother needed an additional income, also tesco. It is not difficult to get a job there