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Original poster

Husband gifted £5k

730 replies

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 21:05

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

OP posts:
raysan · 22/03/2025 08:21

Its giving financial abuse. OP needs advice

DBD1975 · 22/03/2025 08:22

AngelicKaty · 22/03/2025 01:07

@DBD1975 "The 5K was given to your husband by his parents and was for him not for the both of you so it is he's money to do with as he wishes." You should have RTFT. OP's already told us that her DH's mother told OP that the money was for the "family".

Did they, did they really?

thepariscrimefiles · 22/03/2025 08:26

everychildmatters · 22/03/2025 00:57

@Sleepington I do, he's so great in so many other ways.
I don't blame his relationship with money entirely on him when I think about it. I know it's always come from a place of love, but his parents have always supported him a lot financially and I think he's always known he can rely on this.
For example, he's very intelligent but didn't push himself to go to uni and get a degree - he was more than happy in lower-paid job with less stress. He knew he'd have Bank of Mum and Dad to buy him cars, holidays etc. He was never expected to pay rent when living at home.
I was raised very differently and taught by my parents that as soon as I'd graduated I was no longer their financial responsibility.
It is a bone of contention in our marriage but I suppose I should just accept that they have always done it out of love for their son and continue to do so, even though he's almost 50?

How can he be great if he is willing to leave you in a constant state of anxiety leading to lack of sleep? He is OK with you and your child driving around in a car that has a dangerous fault which could kill you both.

His attitude to money would be OK if it was just a lack of drive and ambition and willingness to stay in an entry level low paid job but he is financially abusive by not contributing his fair share to the household bills which means that you need to make up the shortfall and so you can't even save to fix your car.

Boredlass · 22/03/2025 08:26

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/03/2025 08:10

Your DH is a cunt

I’ve seen many times on here where a woman has been gifted money and she’s been told to keep it in her own account. Why is it different now it’s the man getting it?

Alwaysinamood · 22/03/2025 08:30

I agree with OP here. Marriage money is 50:50 and he should have disclosed it and obviously being very selfish for not mentioning it. Christ what’s all your problems??? Maybe start self employed tuition in the holidays seperate to the agency, is that an option?
Depending on the type of car you want or need too, £5j won’t get a ‘new’ car.

Rainbow1901 · 22/03/2025 08:31

OP I can't believe that you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. you would seriously be better off without him. Both mentally and from the monetary point of view - I don't usually push people towards benefits because I believe we should all make our own way. But you say that even if you earned more money your DH would simply pay less!! That is financial abuse!! Find your anger button, act on it and get a better life for yourself. Start using his arguments against him and put it on repeat. He has no problems saying he can't afford it (eg the bed). Pay for your car repairs and tell him he's paying the bills for the next few months because he's such a tightwad. You keep making excuses for him - don't!! Get your car fixed!!

goodforher · 22/03/2025 08:33

only read the first page, but the replies are replies are ridiculous.

They are replying as if you are two separate people, not a married partnership.
Of course he should have told you, and of course the money should be used to help buy the transport you need to earn money. Of course he should have wanted to relieve your stress by telling you of this windfall.

Your marriage is in a really bad way.

Pinkissmart · 22/03/2025 08:33

CaptainFuture · 21/03/2025 22:02

Why do you see it as you contribute more because it's your money, but the money gifted to him is also 'your money'?

Omg
Many posters are saying similar but listen up:

THEY SEEM TO HAVE CHOSEN TO KEEP FINANCES SEPARATE

OP SUBS HER HUSBAND EVERY MONTH AS HE WONT PAY AN EQUAL AMOUNT FOR BILLS. BECAUSE OF THIS, SHE CANNOT SAVE AS MUCH,AND NOW HER CAR IS ON ITS LAST LEGS

THE HUSBAND NOW HAS 15000 AS A NEST EGG, BUT WON'T HELP OP

Op, your husband's a twat. Get a job where you are paid year round, tutor on the side and leave this awful relationship

butterpuffed · 22/03/2025 08:39

Thank your PILs for the money supposedly gifted to you both and tell them you have to spend £2000 on a car repair and is that ok . If they say Yes , tell your DH and he'll have to give it to you, as your PILs are bound to ask if the car's sorted .

EasterIssland · 22/03/2025 08:40

butterpuffed · 22/03/2025 08:39

Thank your PILs for the money supposedly gifted to you both and tell them you have to spend £2000 on a car repair and is that ok . If they say Yes , tell your DH and he'll have to give it to you, as your PILs are bound to ask if the car's sorted .

Why get others involved for a problem you’ve got with your husband. If you need to get your in laws involved … then you’ve got big issues in your marriage and you should be considering whether you should be married

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2025 08:40

Boredlass · 22/03/2025 08:26

I’ve seen many times on here where a woman has been gifted money and she’s been told to keep it in her own account. Why is it different now it’s the man getting it?

Show quote history

It's not different because it's a man.

The context is that he's a man who's not contributing even half of the bills. But is building a 'nest egg'.

He's also part of a family that's struggling. His wife (who pays more than 50% of the bills) needs car repairs, so that she can continue working.

Edited to add: if you can find a post where a woman in this situation is being advised to keep a gift, I'd like to see it.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/03/2025 08:43

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 23:31

@Userlosername Teaching jobs are very hard to find these days for someone who is on upper pay scale due to school budgets.

You're only 'on' upper pay scale whilst you are being employed as a teacher on that. Thanks to Michael Gove, pay portability was scrapped a long time ago so as you have left, you aren't a UPS teacher, you are just a teacher. You probably won't have any difficulties finding a job, but it'll likely be on MPS. It'll still be better paid than a tutor though and you'll be paid through the holidays.

Either that, or find something outside of education as a second job in the summer holidays, evenings or weekends.

Crazykefir · 22/03/2025 08:43

Does he have formfor withholding financial info from you?

butterpuffed · 22/03/2025 08:45

EasterIssland · 22/03/2025 08:40

Why get others involved for a problem you’ve got with your husband. If you need to get your in laws involved … then you’ve got big issues in your marriage and you should be considering whether you should be married

Show quote history

The PILs are involved , they provided the money for them both . I don't think they'd be happy if they knew that wasn't the way it's been used .

HoppingPavlova · 22/03/2025 08:46

Because I tutor. I am only paid for the hours I work. There are no tutoring hours available in school holidays as it is school holidays. I get no sick pay etc

Is that the case though? You can’t find any kids that want tutoring in school holidays? Sounds very odd versus our experience years ago when kids were school age. School holidays (apart from actual week over Xmas/easter) were the times tutors were most heavily booked as people thought it better for kids than cramming it into an already busy school day? Was super hard to get a slot in school hols.

travelallthetime · 22/03/2025 08:47

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 21:18

@1SillySossij Am I right in thinking his money is his not to be shared even if his wife is struggling financially?

His wife needs to either a, look for a full time job or b, look for a job over the school holidays

BringMeTea · 22/03/2025 08:47

Yeah the antagonistic answers are from the saddo menz who descend on threads like these to castigate the woman. Tedious but VERY obvious. Just ignore the losers. He 100% should have told you about it. He sounds a bit shit tbh.

Hallebere · 22/03/2025 08:48

His attitude is completely alien to me tbh. Maybe it's because both DH and I come from homes where our parents share money in one pot. We've always seen everything as ours and not mine or his. I don't know how he can see you struggle and not share with the mother of his child. Your DH mentality seems so selfish and unloving to me. It's no way to live and it isn't a partnership.

ClaredeBear · 22/03/2025 08:48

Very surprised at some of the narratives people are pushing here. If we had news of a small windfall here, we’d share the happiness and have a think about how we should spend/save/invest it. I wouldn’t just accept this as the norm, OP, as some people seem to be suggesting, but it does seem indicative of a wider issue.

Coconutter24 · 22/03/2025 08:50

everychildmatters · 21/03/2025 21:10

@Upsetbetty Well no chance of that as it went straight into his account!

It was gifted to him and you found out recently and already have plans for what it could be used for. Maybe he wanted to save it for an emergency.

EasterIssland · 22/03/2025 08:51

BringMeTea · 22/03/2025 08:47

Yeah the antagonistic answers are from the saddo menz who descend on threads like these to castigate the woman. Tedious but VERY obvious. Just ignore the losers. He 100% should have told you about it. He sounds a bit shit tbh.

I’m a woman. Should he have said anything yes.
but I don’t think it should be OP saying what to do with this money

if it was the wife who have received the cash and the husband was the one paying most of the bills (quite usual in mn) many posters would tell this op to keep the money as it’s theirs. So in this scenario for many of us it’s the same.

Summerlilly · 22/03/2025 08:57

Oh Op I’m so sorry for these bat shit replies you have gotten.
He hands down should be floating you the £2 for the car repairs
Fuck my hubby wouldn't even ask me, he’d be telling me it’s booked in on at this time and pick me up once I took to the garage.

I think you need to have a sit down with him, I sense you maybe getting financially abused here. You are married, you are supposed to be team and that means both of you taking on the house, kids and financial burdens

Rainbow1901 · 22/03/2025 09:01

Coconutter24 · 22/03/2025 08:50

It was gifted to him and you found out recently and already have plans for what it could be used for. Maybe he wanted to save it for an emergency.

Show quote history

The emergency is here!! She needs her car fixing!!
Generally when people can save it is so they can protect themselves against unforeseen issues in the future. DH and I have had an issue with our 20+ year old boiler which finally gave up the ghost - we knew it was coming at some point just didn't know when!!
It is more annoying and worrying for OP knowing that the funds are there but her DH is blind to her needs to keep contributing to the family coffers!!

Orangeoranges42 · 22/03/2025 09:04

I don’t understand why couples esp when married don’t have a joint account for the joint bills.
This I pay this and you pay that never works out fairly.
the £5k is annoying, I’d usually say inheritance doesn’t have to be shared, hut consider you shared yours on the bed it does seem unfair.

Did his parents intend for the mine to be shared?

Pigeonqueen · 22/03/2025 09:05

goodforher · 22/03/2025 08:33

only read the first page, but the replies are replies are ridiculous.

They are replying as if you are two separate people, not a married partnership.
Of course he should have told you, and of course the money should be used to help buy the transport you need to earn money. Of course he should have wanted to relieve your stress by telling you of this windfall.

Your marriage is in a really bad way.

This.

I always think Mumsnet has a really odd perspective when it comes to marriage and money. Everyone seems to keep everything separate which isn’t conductive to a good financial relationship in the family. If you’re married you should share finances. Equal spending money, everything else into the joint pot.