Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Well I thought marriage was a team. In our marriage ALL money is OUR money and used for both our advantages. We have a joint bank account not separate ones.

Both me and DH have received inheritances and we decided together what to spend them on

He could and should told you about it but I'd be reluctant myself to just having an inheritance or equivalent vanish into daily living.

Get a loan or scrap it and buy a cheaper car, you can get a decent car for well under £2k.

You say you earn £30ph and get £450 a week - so you’re only working 15 hours. That’s the crux of the problem here.

if as a couple you have separate finances then the money he is gifted is his and his alone. What you do need to address is how you share your joint living expenses fairly and this may not be equally if you have e different incomes. Sounds like you need to sit down and go through finances and contributions. Part of this may need to be whether your work is sufficient for your input. Do you have kids so you contribute more in caring for them or are there just the two if you? Either way, doesn’t sound much of a partnership going on right now.

You surely need to re-think your job and get another different one or an additional one for the holidays, as your current salary does not pay you for the lifestyle you want.

More holes than Swiss cheese in this story.

But you’re not on UPS. Your income, if you earn £450 a week term time only, is well below that of an ECT at the bottom of the pay scales.
As an experienced teacher, you could fall into a job on M6 earning £37k a year - schools would bite your hand off.

You do know that he is financially abusive don't you?

What's he like as a father? How would he manage having a 50/50 childcare split if you don't work during the holidays and he does? Would he only want 50/50 to avoid child maintenance or does he do a lot of care for your child at the moment?

These are both quotes from the op on other threads…

I left classroom teaching last December after 20 years in primary and it's one of the best decisions I ever made

@steff13 My husband does an equal share of the childcare and housework; I wouldn't accept anything less.
However, we both contribute equally on a financial level too.
That's equality. I don't expect it when it just suits me as a woman. I certainly would never accept a man paying for me.

along with the fact she left out that she has two other dc…I’m suspecting bullshit and/skewing of the truth. I wouldn’t waste your time responding any more to be honest

Either you are a couple/a team or you are not.
Currently you are not.
He is a sneaky greedy man and I would not give him the time of day.

Of course she isn't just being petty. She is saying that if she earned more, she would be no better off as he would reduce his already paltry contribution to their rent/bills/food. He isn't paying his fair share at the moment and he would pay even less if she earned more.

Why would she get a loan when there's enough family money to buy a car???

Surely bills aren’t 1000 a month so sounds like you are both putting on 1000. You slightly more if rent is over 1000

tho if everything is under £2k you both pay 1000

There's loads of private tutoring in school holidays. I used to do catch-up intensives to get weaker students confident and at the right level for the new academic year. And Easter holidays could be filled with GCSE students wanting to bump up a grade.

But I get your point, OP. That sort of windfall should be shared as good news, and some discussion as to how it should be saved or invested is fair if you work as a team in a marriage.

OP you are not being unreasonable and some of the early responses on here were laughable. Your DH was raised like I was. My siblings and I always had dad's money to get us out of a fix or bind. It meant that some people were just not that motivated to work. My dad had 11 children (that's a whole other thread) and was a wealthy man. He died 3 yrs ago (I was 38 my oldest half sibling was in his 50s) and regardless of wealth, inheritance between several people means not much is coming each way so some of the adult children he supported have since really struggled. Your DH has never fully done adulting. He's always had a safety net. He has also not included you or your child in this safety net. That needs to change. He needs to change.

That is an incredibly stressful job!

as he has spent it I don’t actually see the issue here.

Her husband is clearly a financially abusive man-child whose parents pretty much support him at the age of 49 with money and cars that he doesn't share with his family. He doesn't even pay his share of the rent/bills.

You may think that the OP is lazy and a gold-digger but surely even someone as biased as you couldn't think that her DH's behaviour is fine and that he is in any way a decent husband and father.

Your 'life experience' and 'common sense' are just coming across as a complete lack of empathy and kindness with a disturbing zeal to give the OP a good kicking.

If you wrote out all the expenses going out versus all the wages coming in and split them evenly down the middle, how would he justify to you that you should be covering more?
Can you explain to him what financial abuse is in clear terms so there is no wiggle room at all. (You might need to bone up first and rehearse the relevant statements). Make him justify and repeat out loud why he is so selfish. He needs to hear it.
You cannot respect such weaponised stupidity.

Seems to me you need to find holiday work whether as tutor. Nanny. Shelf stacker. Waitress etx

not sure why you don’t get any help via uc if he earns £2k a month and you rent

unless his savings top him over

I do think it unfair can’t get uc if have savings

as you are trying to save to better self

Sorry, don’t know why those quotes appeared, I don’t agree with them at all

You need to focus on bringing home more money, either through a second job or doing something else entirely, instead of blaming him.

Your DH is a cunt

As OP has already said , she is a UPS teacher. Yes, it is very hard to get a job as a UPS teacher as schools simply can’t afford it .

You can’t just “do more hours” if you’re already working school hours.

She has a 4 year old . She is the childcare . How can she get a summer job ?

She is not asking for a luxury lifestyle. If her arsehole husband has more spending money than she does and also has savings then he is the one that should change his attitude. He is a selfish twat