Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Please repost your initial post in Relationships and see what responses you get there.

I have read all your posts and think you are being financially abused and otherwise economically disadvantaged here by him. He does not want to share what he regards as his and his money alone with you and your child. Your marriage to him is therefore over or it should be and it's no example to show your 4 year old dd either. This is absolutely deliberate on his part and I would think he would indeed contribute less if you earned more.

He gets his hair cut at a barbers more than once a year doesn't he whilst you scramble about trying to make ends meet. You cannot even freely buy yourself some coffee from Costa. When was the last time also you went to the dentist, opticians etc. Probably a long time ago, again he sees these people far more than you do.

It sounds like you need to think about a different job, one that will give you secure income year round. You can't really afford the luxury of what is presumably quite part time work.
You said your car is on its last legs.... But it's still going? If this 5k hadn't happened you would just have had to keep going with your old car. Old cars can be on their last legs for years and still keep going!

And if he so bloody good at cooking why does he regard cheese and beans as a meal?. Or he would be happy to lie on a mattress?. You would not want your DD to be married to someone like this would you, no and you would want better for her. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

I don't understand why you aren't absolutely furious with your DH. He is willing to see his wife struggle, see her pay more towards rent and bills even though she earns less, potentially lose her job if her car can't be fixed and is absolutely fine with his wife and child driving around in a dangerous vehicle while he drives a brand new car and hoards his thousands of pounds in the bank. I couldn't even look at him, never mind share a house and a bed with him.

The car is still going, until it does not. If the timing belt snaps whilst being driven it can cause all sorts of damage to the engine and gearbox with the result the car is written off.

You have very desirable skills OP - I’d be looking to emigrate where your lifestyle can reflect your hard work better.

You need to get a permanent teaching post as then you'd be paid through school holidays.
However at £450 p/wk I'm guessing you only work about 20hrs a week so presumably part of the issue is you'd like to remain part time.
Unfortunately it sounds like both you and your husband really need to increase your income as you can't really afford to carry on the way you are.

I mean I’m probably picking you up on the wrong thing here but Amy garage charging £2k to change a timing belt is having you on. Like massively having you on.

Unless you are about to say it’s a Mercedes c class with a timing chain and not a belt, and even then you shouldn’t be looking at £2k.

A belt for a bog standard Ford 2.0 diesel engine for example should set you back about £350 max

I was charged 2k for an Ibiza 10 years ago

How is she entitled? She earns less but contributes more towards rent/bills/food than her husband. Her job allows her to look after her child in the school holidays so saving the household quite a lot, she is driving a car that has a dangerous fault that she can't afford to fix but needs in order to work and he is driving around in a brand new car with thousands in the bank and won't even help her fix her car. He won't help her which is why she has posted on here.

This is a married couple, both work, they have a child together and one of them can't even afford the basics and is worried sick about losing her job if her car breaks down, and the other has no money worries, pays less into the household pot and doesn't share any of the money that his parents have given him. This is financial abuse and she should leave him.

Echoing others also known as jumping on the bandwagon of nonsense. Op has every right to expect help from her husband. The point is there is 5k available and that's why she's upset so stop saying what would you do if it wasn't there. IT IS THERE THATS WHY SHES UPSET.

You were robbed blind. A timing belt kit is around £110 and back then labour should have been around £150

If you lived on your own you would be entitled to UC to top up your wages and pay the rent. He would also need to pay child maintenance. You might actually be better off and you wouldn't have to live with this awful selfish man.

In my experience they work best when both partners are working as a team.

Was your husband not wondering what the heck you were doing last night on your phone Op given you posted 109 long messages from 9pm - 2am!!! . You must have literally been glued to your phone!

YANBU- this sounds downright sneaky.

BUT 5k is a drop in the ocean and your financial situation sounds absolutely terrible - you’ve both got to stop living hand to mouth. Driving a potentially dangerous car is a big deal. You’re both healthy, you have one child in school, this is your time to save money and prepare yourselves for the future. You can’t not work for a huge portion of the year and then be surprised you’re poor. When I was in my 20s/ early 30s I was pulling 60/ 70 hour weeks!

I know others have given ideas but you need to get a job which pays more and which pays during the holidays. Schools are crying out for teachers near me, especially those with SEN qualifications. If you think that’s not possible then start thinking of other options, you must have a degree and transferable skills. What about being a PA, marketing, office admin, getting a HR qualification, working for the local authority, becoming a school governance professional? What have you investigated?

In the meantime and especially over the holidays I personally think they each of you should take a non-demanding second job. Like a couple of shifts on the tills at a supermarket over the weekend, driving a taxi (he could use the electric car), tutoring with an agency, exam invigilating. Lots of very middle class people I know have done this when money was tight. If you each bring in an extra £50 a week, that’s £400 quid a month.

You should also be prepared to make some drastic changes- like moving area, changing where you rent (rent a 1 bed), moving in with family, so that you can start building up some proper savings.

But you can't afford to pay more than he does. Tell him that you are not willing either. How on earth do you not hate his guts? I do, and I've never met him.

Well there patently are private tutoring options during the holidays
you simply choose not to progress them

I do also think you need to work out your actual monthly spending though and then he should top his contributions up to an exact 50% share from his savings until you’ve found somewhere affordable and you can both start to save.

Oddly the op doesn’t mention she has a 4 year old with her husband

and also the Op has a 17 year old from a previous relationship

You also have a 17 year old from a previous relationship that your husband presumably contributes to

Do it then!
Tell him that he’s burnt your trust not telling you and now you’ve looked at it your paying more whilst he is sitting comfy and your doing all childcare in the holiday. From now on it’s 50/50 55/45 or whatever the split works the end.

But that’s your choice. Maybe your DH would prefer you to get a full time permanent teaching job that does pay sick pay and holidays? In fact, you’d likely be better off as a part time teacher in a school, or working for an LA doing home tuition to students who don’t currently attend school.

Actually the op has TWO teenagers living in the home from a previous relationship

15 and 17

so he’s doing his fair bit of supporting her children from a previous relationship and very telling that the op has been sketchy about this rather relevant detail

Jesus Christ. What an awful marriage you must have.

Imagine if your DH was like... you've broken your leg...? Your problem.
Wait, you need a hand with getting to work because your car broke down? Fuck off, I obviously won't be helping or driving you anywhere.
Oh, you can't reach to get that item? Ha ha ha guess you'll never have it.