Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

Either get a new job that pays better or stop worrying about the bills....your husband has money to pay them.

How do you work this out when the OP is paying more than the husband is. If anything, he isn't earning enough and should be getting weekend work if he can't afford to give the OP as much as she puts in the pot. It doesn't make sense as he's earning more even in the months when the OP is working, and yet paying less towards bills (£1k whereas OP says her contribution is higher).

OP this doesn't make sense. How can he not afford to pay more when his earnings are higher and he earns for twelve months a year and you for nine?

Either he's squirreling away savings for himself or he's splurging money on himself.

You might be better off on your own. This is just a miserable way to live. He seems to have been spoilt by his parents and it's made him entitled and selfish. Go and find out from Citizens' advice what you'd be entitled to in benefits.

Your not a stay at home parent. If you cant get teaching work over the summer apply for temp work outside of teaching

As for the £5k your sil sounds like a nasty piece of work bringing it up without knowing if you knew & why would she care what you (or her brother) thought of being given a basically second hand car from her own father when presumably your husband doesn't complain having been privately gifted

Hopefully she knew the effects this infomation would have & hopefully you & your partner will move forward with a better financial agreement IE. Splitting the bills 50/50 & both of you getting a second job (night work even)

My poor luv, your husband is a selfish bugger, I’ve not read everyone’s replies just your posts.
You need to sit this man child down with a spreadsheet of both your earnings & all bills including childcare, daughters clothes, your fuel etc.
If he earns the same as you he needs to be paying exactly the same as you.
The lower wage thing is bullshit, I’m also very intelligent but had to leave home at 17 so also only have GCSE’s albeit 12, I’m 45 & earn £67k a year through hard work.
When I was 17 I worked 7 days a week & one evening just to put a roof over my head. ( 9-5 week office job, Saturday shop job, Sunday Thursday night department store job) I doubt I’d be able to do that much now but he needs to step up & bring more money into house especially if you do all childcare.
Can he get part time evening work in bar etc.
Sending you big hugs & get him to sort your car if he has £20k in savings-what’s he saving for…

Bigger question is how are your everyday finances organised?? Does everything go into one pot? What have you agreed/set up?

What is stopping you from finding more work or taking a permanent role? I’m not asking to be nasty - I think if he’s happy for you to not work as much because you’re doing all childcare etc and working only part time, but he’s not prepared to sub you the difference, you’ve got a huge problem and 5k loss for you is the tip of the iceberg.

xo

That's a you problem it's his money not yours maybe get a better job and buy your own car

I think the bigger issue is that you don’t share finances and aren’t a team. If he earns £2k per month then why is he only putting £1k into the pot? Wey few working adults have £1k to spend on themselves each month - I don’t and we are a high earning family.

Thats what you need to sort first op. But yes he should have told you - even if he felt as a gift from his parents that he wanted to decide what to spend it on.

I think you should insist that he buys you a car or else pays to get your car fixed out of the family money his parents gave. Stand your ground. Don’t back down. Go to war on this. Your dh is being utterly selfish. His family needs a second working car and he has the extra money that was specifically given to help his family.

Why can’t you do some tutoring in the holidays? Our tutor offers some sessions and they book up so fast!

You need to increase his contribution. Bills gave give up a lot on recent years and are about to go up again. He’s probably thousands of pounds in arrears. Money you would then be able to spend on fixing you car. And I’d recommend highlighting this and the loss of family income if you can’t drive. He needs to help pay for your car to have a new fan belt. Or you need to sell it and use the proceeds and some of his money for a newer car.

This. I'm actually shocked at so many of the responses (Haven't read all).
Why are you contributing more than 50% of expenses @everychildmatters? Why does he get to keep £1000 of his salary a month so that he can build up 10k of savings while you can't afford a haircut? That sounds like financial abuse to me.
He is fortunate enough to have a well off family gifting him new cars and money but will not pay more to the family pot or pay to fix his wife's car that is essential for her job? What an awful, selfish man you are married to.

I know that people have different attitudes to finances but I’m baffled here. A marriage is a partnership - as a minimum bills should be shared proportional to income.

We treat all money as family money, because it’s in all our interests to budget properly. I don’t want to see DP do without and they would not me either.

I’m not sure why your DH can sit there with 5k in the bank knowing that your car is about to KO meaning your income will also KO meaning the whole family suffers. Seems very short sighted.

It’s his money.
it’s inheritance and a gift to him.
You’d have pestered him for it if you’d known.
How we I do think he should have etold you just to relieve your stress.
You clearly need a full time job though.

have you sat down and frankly had a discussion
look at the bills together
mention your worries about your car and his 15K he has
thrash it out

my dh also received money, i mentioned all sorts, he got cross, i made alternative arrangements! and he got to chose what he did with his money

Giving all the money to The Cats Protection could avoid all this. Kitties need new things as well.

I’m on the edge on this one. There has been many threads on this forum where a woman has inherited some cash and posters have told her to keep it as it’s theirs as it’s coming directly to them from their family.

my parents have given me cash several times , whilst I have normally spent it on something for my own family / saved it, the decision has been mine. My husband has only said “ok thanks for that”. If I soon as i got some cash my husband started suggesting where to spend it (specially things for him) then id be pissed off really. As others have said, if the car breaks down then you as a family come with a plan to buy a new one. It’s on you as well not working in summer. You can take temporal works if you’d want to / need to make money

I can’t believe people are saying OP would pester her DH in order to squander the money?
She doesn’t want it for shoes and handbags.
She needs help for a car for work! On another thread her husband would be accused of financial abuse.
He could have offered her a couple of grand for a runaround. And his parents have gifted him a brand new car?
He has also lied. I think he sounds awful.

Exactly. He's financially abusing her day to day and then didn't tell her about the 5k hen he knows she's really worried about her car and money in general. What a selfish pig. I can't believe the comments saying 'it's his inheritance, stop pestering him.' The OP is working and contributing more than 50% despite her income being a bit less overall.

If you can't get your car fixed, you won't be able to do your job. You need to speak to your husband and if he refuses, you need to serious think about ending your marriage. You earn less but put more into the family pot. Surely you can see how awful he is being?

@everychildmatters i think your DH has way more than 15k saved… he is left with 1k p/m to himself, he pays no fuel, he has his food paid for by you, he has his bills paid for by you, what does he spend his 1k on each month?… why should you pay for all bills and still have to contribute to part of the rent? you would be much better off financially if you split and would be entitled to half of everything and you would get child maintenance??
why are you allowing him to financially abuse you OP? you do not need to live like this unless you can’t live without him 🤷‍♀️

You should put all your money in one pot and pay the bills out of that. It especially doesn't make sense for you to pay the bills out of your own account and for him to contribute the same arbitrary amount each month when your income is so variable.

He definitely should have told you about the £5k.

She would have more money if her selfish husband put more money into the family pot. She earns less but pays in more than he does towards rent, bills and food. I presume that you think that this is fair, as well as him keeping all the money his parents have given him to himself. OP's job allows her to look after their child during the school holidays which is a huge saving.

Yes exactly!! Family money. And putting that aside, even if not every couple is like that, at the very least ops husband would tell her about the 5k and put it towards a new car for her. If you're in a marriage why do you need to keep an amount of money to yourself? Going anywhere with it ? Taking it to your grave one day ?

15k is enough for a 5% mortgage. Buy a house and get a car on finance.

You both need to sit down and have an adult conversation around money. Joint money - what as a family you have coming in and out.