Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

@Sleepington The only thing in joint names is Council Tax as he moved in with me originally. That's the biggest one after the rent. He would not pay this; he would leave it to go in arrears then my credit history is impacted. He thinks the £1k per month should cover this as well as "half" the rent etc.
He is excellent at cooking (does it all tbh) so knows what a decent meal looks like. He is just tight when it comes to buying food, he believes it can be done on a shoestring (and I suppose needs must).

@AngelicKaty I've considered speaking about it to his parents but my worry is they're elderly (in their 80s) and I don't know how much they'd really understand of the situation.

You're not going to die from eating jacket potatoes with cheese and beans ffs, it is a perfectly adequate filling meal when you are on a budget, and ultimately you could top up with food yourself when you are out and about every day if you needed to. But you are ignoring the point, if you are paying for everything else, the things you need to stop paying are the utilities, the food shop is neither here nor there.

I think you are being a martyr is my honest feeling, there are various ways in which you could adjust things to be more fair, but you won't do any of them so what's the point?

@sandyhappypeople If I stopped paying the utilities they wouldn't be paid. Then that massively impacts on my (very good) credit score which is not going to be helpful if one day (in the very, very distant future) a mortgage becomes an option.

Agree, any tutors I have used , from music to maths ( private not through an agency or council) have been at their house, usually of an evening. Didn't make any diference if term time or not just if either they or I were taking a holiday.
Also babysitting agencies would love you - you must have had all the checks done already - and they want people for weekends and evenings. Just a thought( they charge a fortune and I know the actual sitter doesn't get all that money ) but it's still good for pretty much sitting and watching tv, maybe feeding some dinner and supervising teeth and pjs.

@sandyhappypeople "But you are ignoring the point, if you are paying for everything else, the things you need to stop paying are the utilities, the food shop is neither here nor there." The utilities are in OP's sole name. If she stops paying their gas, electricity and water bills and her DH continues to refuse to pay them, her credit rating would be trashed (not to mention all the additional aggravation that OP, no doubt, would have to sort out).

How on earth is that relevant? There IS £5000 - that’s the whole point of the post.

I’m not married, but I can’t imagine my partner struggling and not helping him out financially if I could, and vice versa. You’re supposed to be a team. I think it’s pretty crap he didn’t disclose the gifted money and offer to help you with car expenses

Then when he bought the groceries during the week of potatoes and noodles, he deliberately chose to buy cheap food and it wasn't a case of how he genuinely believed pot noodles were enough. If you were hungry that way, he will have been hungry too.

Keep doing it. Let him buy all the groceries from now on. If you are hungry/want fresh food - buy a nice salad, yoghurt, fresh fruit to eat at lunch when commuting.

Separate the bills. Change one of the utility bills into his name. If he doesn't pay it, then he won't be able to continue working from home.

Tell him to sign his child up for swimming classes and let him pay for them.
Pass the responsibility over to him.

He is not going to change because things are working out in his favour.

Unless there is a big backstory (and I haven't ruled out that there isn't one), I don't know how you can remain attracted to this man. Even reading about him gives me the ick.

There are no hours available in the holidays.

@sandyhappypeople How is OP being a martyr? Literally the whole point of this thread is that her DH was given £5k by his parents (which OP's MIL told her was for the family) which he paid into his own bank account without so much as mentioning it to OP. One way they "could adjust things to be more fair" is if OP's DH discovered his honesty gene and shared this money with her - as his parents intended! What sort of man, when driving around in his brand-new, gifted (by his parents) electric car and in possession of £15k in his bank account wouldn't say "Look OP, I don't like the idea of you having to travel miles, sometimes with our DD, in a car that could let you down at any time, so let's use some of this money to get you a replacement second-hand car"? I mean, really?!

You got some pretty catty answers on here, OP. Bonkers.

I think it would have been nice of your husband to at least have a conversation about the gift with you. I would expect as much from my husband and I would certainly tell him if I got a 5k gift.

Is that £450 a week net or gross? How much disposable income does your husband have? If he puts in £1k and household bills are £2k then you are each paying 50% so it is a bit disingenuous to say you pay the council tax as he is paying £1k a month towards joint expenses so I would be working that out as a start. If you have a net income of £1800 and your contribution is £1k you have £800 a month for saving and personal expenses. Saving for holidays when you don’t work and a replacement car is a priority. In the holidays presumably you are looking after your DC so tell him as you don’t get paid and are looking after his child he needs to cover all bills. It is a strange way of sorting finances if you are married and have D.C.. What happened to your husbands old car when his parents bought him a new one?

Do either of you have debt? It either sounds like he wants a cushion of savings and is worried you will pester to spend it or he is unwilling to help or if you have a lot of debt he doesn’t trust you with money. What is his plan if your car breaks down and you can’t afford to repair it? Is public transport an option?

@Cornishclio I have no debts, loans or credit cards whatsoever. He tells me he doesn't either but who knows?

Apologies I have just read all your replies which answer my questions. You aren’t working as a team and yes he is definitely in the wrong for not offering to help if he is sitting on £15k savings and has a brand new car while yours is on its last legs. Unfortunately you have married someone who is tight with money. Your only option is a loan so tell him that and start transferring some of the bills into his name. Do you want to stay married to him? He doesn’t seem to have your back.

If you’re not working as a team it’s not actually a marriage and you’d be better of divorcing as you’d probably get a better division of assets that way

The core of the problem is that your husband is not a team player, why are the bills not split evenly? And he's treating what is his as his. If you received windfall it would be yours or for both to decide how to spend?

Well, unless they're losing mental capacity, why wouldn't they understand? (They're plainly not daft if they've amassed enough money to routinely give gifts to your DH and his sister - and I'm guessing they're doing this to minimise the IHT liability on their estates when they pass away).
I realise you can't force your DH to discuss finances, but I think you could produce a "best guess" budget sheet (income, expenses, savings, debt) from what you know, which would give you a clearer picture of whether or not you have a deficit each month. Of course, you may not have a deficit, but you may be sailing so close to the wind that you don't have any surplus to save each month for emergencies (like getting your car fixed or replaced!). This then gives you something concrete to discuss with your DH, but if he still refuses to engage, then you could enlist the help of his parents - surely they would be horrified at the thought of their grand-child not enjoying all the opportunities she could because your DH is being secretive/selfish with your family's resources?
I really hope you find a solution to this OP, but for the record, YANBU to think your DH should not only have told you about the £5k, but should also have apportioned some of it to ensuring you have a safe, reliable car to drive yourself and your DD around. Good luck OP! 🤗

You do have some responsibility to be in a job that meets your financial needs. Sounds like your tutoring role doesn't meet your needs, so if you can get that sorted out, so you get things like sickness and holiday pay, a better hourly rate etc then it will take away the anxiety and stop focusing on money that your DH is given by his family (which is hardly a fortune).

So he got £5k because SIL got the car but then parents also bought him a brand new car, make that make sense 🤔. Also £2k for timing belt seems excessive, definitely shop around and I have never heard of a garage being able to tell a timing belt is about to snap, likely recommended due to age/mileage

You work when your DH gets home. Then he takes care of the child while you work. A lot of people work during school holidays that usually work via a school.

You also need to write out all of your monthly expenses and divide them equally.

If you get gifted any more money, get your own nest egg together.

Oh, I can help you there, because I’m sure you didn’t mean this to sound like you’re kicking someone who’s down? Anyway, no worries, here we go:

‘You have so many money worries and stresses, it’s a real shame that he didn’t step up as your partner to help share those burdens, given his multiple good fortunes.’

Worry and struggle alone, presumably.

He should’ve hidden it from his struggling partner in the back of his nice new car!

Give over, no, it doesn’t. She’s his wife and she’s struggling. Fuck me. Some awfully callous responses on here even going by recent standards.

@everychildmatters

I’m a bit torn on this one. If my DP’s parents had gifted him money, I wouldn’t see it as ours. Similarly - I sometimes get money from my parents and see myself as the one who decides how that is spent. That might be something for both of us, or more myself.

I have taken on jobs such as leaflet delivery, postal surveys to get extra money, babysitting/childminding (I’m also a teacher and can work this around childcare). And your SEN qualifications are very much in demand, so there might be better paid/other jobs out there.
I think perhaps sit down together and work out exactly who spends what, and see if a fairer system can be worked out? And yes - childcare over the summer/household management should never be dismissed as ‘not a job’. Anyone else doing that ‘job’ charges - well - £15 per hour around here…