Husband gifted £5k

[everychildmatters]

Long story short...
My SIL came over today and she let it slip (she of course assumed I knew) that her parents had gifted husband £5k (she had her dad's car when he stopped driving at 83 so they were "evening things out."
Hubby and I both work but I'm a SEND Tutor which means I only get paid for the hours I work e.g not in school holidays. We rent privately as simply can't afford to buy and has been that way for years. My car is also on its last legs and I do a lot of travel for work so no idea what to do when that packs up!! His mum and dad have just also purchased him a beautiful new electric car.
Hubby knows my anxiety about paying bills etc has been through the roof.
He says he didn't tell me because I have been so stressed, but the truth is (IMO) is he didn't tell me because I could then have said could we use some of that if I can't get work over six weeks holiday etc?
I feel so let down and disappointed - I don't think he'd ever have told me if I hadn't found put through SIL.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but feeling crap tbh.

How is public transport going to work? I have two children I teach in two separate locations in one day.

I see. I read the above as in you have two kids. I see now that you meant that you teach two children every day.

Sounds like a support worker. How much does he earn?

he absolutely should pay a fair amount of bills but your posts are confusing and contradictory

Perhaps I’m lucky, but ‘our’ money is just that, ‘ours’. No one claims it, it simply goes into the pot. Your husband seemingly subscribes to the theory ‘what’s mines my own’.

I doubt until your SIL’s news, you’d have been none the wiser.

I tutor 9.30 - 3.30 M - F. Obviously lunch not paid (most of this taken up.by travel anyway) and I work until 4.45 on prep but of course this is also unpaid. Deductions are crazy - student loan, pension (have to keep this as husband barely has one), tax, NI etc.
He works ft but on low pay. He only has GCSEs so not an option to progress to better pay really (especially at almost 50).

FFS, you posted you couldn't believe she wasn't entitled to any UC and I was pointing out that this would be because she's co-habiting and any UC claim would be joint so her DH's income would be taken into account and lift her above the eligibility threshold (OP has told us she's already checked this). And I've advised on benefits for over 10 years so stop trying to teach your grand-mother to suck eggs!

@Userlosername He is. Don't know exactly but it's around 2k-ish before deductions I think?

Indeed. It seems like he's happy to sponge off his parents and OP. Regardless of what their family expenses are, he tells OP he can't afford to give her more than £1k pm, yet their rent alone is more than this at £1.15k pm (and soon to go up) and OP has to pay for everything else including this short-fall on the rent when she earns a little less than her DH. If he can't afford to even cover the entire rent, what makes him think OP can cover everything else? (i.e. Council Tax, Utilities, Food, Fuel, etc - all of which are going up in price!)
I can't believe the heat OP is getting on this thread from some people - I can only assume that they haven't read all of OP's posts and/or can't retain the detail she's provided.

@AngelicKaty You're so right about everything having gone up and this only adds to my anxiety - can't remember the last time I could sleep properly!
But hopefully I can find some summer work of some description to help reduce my worries 🙏

@everychildmatters
Why haven’t you answered the question about why your husband is happy for you to contribute more towards household bills, and why you put up with this and don’t insist things are split fairly?

I think this really depends on the attitude you both have to shared expenses and your financial history.
We have a joint account for all household expenses which we pay 50/50 and we then each have our own separate bank accounts for our own money.
The 5K was given to your husband by his parents and was for him not for the both of you so it is he's money to do with as he wishes.
Having said this if you are struggling financially, and your financial less solvent then you would like to think he would help you out. However, if you are a spender and your husband is a saver this might explain him not sharing the information or the money with you.

So not quite £30 an hour then when you consider travel (+travel expenses), unpaid lunchbreaks and prep time.

Genuine question but not sure you'll give a genuine answer, but if his answer is to bury his head in the sand and not pay the bills because you "someone pick them up", why don't you do that?

I think if what you are saying is 100% genuine (I'm not convinced there isn't more that you are not saying about why your relationship is so terrible), I'd just tell him that he'll need to pay food shopping/electricity/council tax etc for the next two months because you can't afford it while you are paying for your car repairs and just stop your direct debits?

Why don't you do that?

However, if you are a spender and your husband is a saver this might explain him not sharing the information or the money with you

The husband can only save because he doesn't contribute as much to the household expenses and has money 'left over' every month. The OP is only spending on necessary expenses and cannot make her income stretch to cover these, resulting in sleepless nights and anxiety.

It is completely unbalanced.

OP do you even want to stay with your husband?

@DBD1975 I'm definitely not a spender. I only get my hair cut about once a year and no other luxuries like that. I do buy clothes for my little girl but that's because she's always growing!!!! I sometimes treat myself to a Costa but rarely as need to keep money to cover everything. We don't have any subscriptions at all, no Netflix or anything.

Why does your husband get to choose not to contribute fairly financially? @everychildmatters

He sounds cagey, deceitful and tight when it comes to money. A decent man would ensure his wife wasn't left struggling every month whilst he is accumulating savings.

@Sleepington I do, he's so great in so many other ways.
I don't blame his relationship with money entirely on him when I think about it. I know it's always come from a place of love, but his parents have always supported him a lot financially and I think he's always known he can rely on this.
For example, he's very intelligent but didn't push himself to go to uni and get a degree - he was more than happy in lower-paid job with less stress. He knew he'd have Bank of Mum and Dad to buy him cars, holidays etc. He was never expected to pay rent when living at home.
I was raised very differently and taught by my parents that as soon as I'd graduated I was no longer their financial responsibility.
It is a bone of contention in our marriage but I suppose I should just accept that they have always done it out of love for their son and continue to do so, even though he's almost 50?

I would do as sandyhappypeople suggests and prioritise your next paycheck to getting the car fixed. Then buy groceries for you and let your husband buy the rest. Just as he was intending to lie on a mattress on the floor rather than replace the broken bed, you now have to do the same and refuse to pay for things.

My feeling is your DH believes he is paying more than his 'share' when both cars are taxed, insured, council tax etc is paid for. If that isn't the case, then you both need to pool the expenses and divide by half. Its a strange way of doing things when you earn more than he does but he has the benefit of receiving windfalls from his parents that you aren't benefitting from.

Your married
It is reasonable that he shared his news with you regardless of what he wanted to do with it.

@mumzof4x And I think in all of this, this is what has upset me the most. Not the money, it's the fact he has no intention of telling me about it. Especially when he knows I'm so anxious about making ends meet.

I think OP's DH is happy if anyone else (including his own parents) is paying his household expenses so long as he doesn't have to step up! And OP previously posted "I've tried sitting down with him before but he just says he can't afford to pay any more." OP says she believes he earns around £2k gross pm and he transfers £1k to her for the rent (although this is £150pm short on the actual rent cost).
It seems to me that OP has two problems: (a) their joint income barely covers their outgoings, even though they're not profligate, and (b) her DH wants to keep "his" parents'/aunt's money to himself whilst burying his head in the sand about the reality of their family's financial situation, leaving all the worry to OP, which is utterly selfish.

I agree. But the 4 year old introduced to the thread a few page. The OP originally only talked about not students being available to tutor during holidays as a reason for not working. It was only later on that they mentioned childcare commitments.

@DBD1975 "The 5K was given to your husband by his parents and was for him not for the both of you so it is he's money to do with as he wishes." You should have RTFT. OP's already told us that her DH's mother told OP that the money was for the "family".

Yet he isn't anxious.

You are facilitating this.

You said he is intelligent. Presumably all the bills are not in your sole name? When you pay for your car and he then opens the fridge to find very little in there, he will have to go out and buy food, whether its from the supermarket or McDonalds. If he wants clean clothes and finds there is no laundry detergent, he will have to go out and buy some. He will be spending his own money. You will be living like a house share. I wouldn't like to live like that but I wouldn't like to live as you are living now either. Things have to change and your apathetic husband is not going to be the instigator.

@Sleepington At one point I stopped buying food. He went out a "shopped" but genuinely believes that a jacket potato with cheese and beans is a meal. The next night we had noodles and sauce. I was genuinely left feeling hungry the entire week.
Perhaps I'm expecting too much?

Write him a list?

Maybe he needs to be parented? Maybe you are giving him too much credit when you said he is an intelligent person.

What other bills are in joint names that you can hand over to him to deal with?

Yup, I think this really stinks. Even more so when his mother has told you the money was for your family (so not just him). It seems like he thinks money is something everyone else (e.g. you, his parents) have to worry about; not him.
I really think you're going to need to tackle this with him in a very serious way OP. Would you be prepared to involve his parents? I'm thinking that a joint approach to tell him that he can't keep relying on you to shoulder the emotional burden of worrying about living from one pay day to the next - its simply not fair that he secretly squirrels money away while you lie awake at night in a state of anxiety. If he won't listen to you, maybe he would listen to his parents?