Hi all. @ISaySteadyOn things have moved on since you wrote this but I wanted to say "thank you". I felt every single word of it. It is really hard to keep being patient and keep the pressure off, and it's such a thankless task.
@Cornishbelle welcome. Your poor daughter. Bullying is an intransigent problem but they should be able to do a lot more to crack down on it at infant school age, and they could support her more with or social skills/ELSA too. I believe bullying is a situation where just a school move can be transformative. It's basically another roll of the dice friendship-wise, and sometimes that is all they need. Separately, transition to a new school can also bring out/throw light on any autistic traits. I would say that is enormously helpful to do in primary actually, so keep an eye out. It wouldn't change who she is an iota, but it would give you the best chance to get the best set up in place for what she needs in secondary. We had SO many school staff tell us DS couldn't possibly be autistic, usually because he had too many friends. A psychologist going into school saw more in an hour than 6 different teachers saw in 6 years.
By and large I think a school move should be the parents' decision at this age. People vary on this and demand avoidance may change it, but by and large I think it's too much responsibility for a little one. She doesn't have the maturity to assess the big picture, and it would not be fair on her. You decide, you sympathise with her & listen to her but also express full confidence that you are making the right decision for her happiness in the long term. She will pick up on your tone and if you worry about the move, she will too. Alternatively you could discuss the option of a managed move, which is a kind of trial at the new school, but at this age perhaps a clean break would be better.
Different situation, my son is autistic although he was not diagnosed until Y4. I try not to regret much in life as we all make the best decisions we can on the info we have, but I do regret not pulling him out of his academically excellent primary school when it got so incredibly difficult to take him in. There were a couple of smaller village schools nearby which I think he could have managed better. You never really know, but I recently reread my notes from Y6 and think how the hell did we keep forcing him in for another 3 years after that? But you do, because you're told you have to and it's illegal not to, and everyone else is doing it. How much more damage was done in that time, and then he ended up missing all of Y10 anyway.
Lots to be pleased about as DS finishes Y12. He has made a lot of progress and seems much happier, though I don't think he thinks he is any happier. He is of course entitled to these feelings but it is a bit of a slap in the face when all I have done all year is facilitate him going to this fantastic, nurturing college. He's engaged enough with his 2 A levels that he is carrying both into Y13 rather than repeating Y12. Yay! Still no idea of what's next but I think he's found he cares about his studies more than he used to. I'm here to stay on this thread though, I'm afraid. We're still way off a mainstream full time timetable, we're still living a lot of these pressures albeit with him being in class more. Only having to study your choice of subjects at 16+ is such a big help.
Picking up on the attendance pressure point, it's a weird one. We had all the pressure and then when DS got more ill, we dropped out of that universe into a different one with vastly lower expectations. Suddenly everyone cheered if he managed 50%. I think there are kids living in this universe in most schools, certainly in Y10-11 - part time timetables, missing tutor & PE, no homework. It's not a better place to be, these kids are very low and distressed. But I wonder how many of them would not have go to such a severe point of struggle if only these same adjustments that they now have, had been put in place for them a bit earlier.