EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

On the subject of whinging, DD2 has now said this morning she doesn't know if school will work. I just paid for the autumn term. The school could not be more accomodating and helpful. She needs to work with them.

I think one difficulty we have is that, for all their struggles, our DC also have regular annoying teenage behaviours and filtering out which is which is really hard.

DD1 refusing because she hates where she is and doesn't learn anything. That is what she says and, to be fair, she is not entirely incorrect. We are trying to move her but what do you do in the meantime? Try to get them in to the school they are leaving or just withdraw from that one until you get to the new one?

Amen to your second paragraph!

Can you remind us which year DD1 is in and what the wider plan is for her? I think that would inform how I'd deal with it. It's very hard to judge so early in the year though.

DD1 is technically Y11 but the school we want to move her to will allow her to repeat Y10 which we think is best for her in both studying and mental health terms. She agrees.

@ISaySteadyOn is DD1 in an independent school that you are funding? If not, I wouldn’t withdraw and EHE. It is easier to get support when you remain in the system. If you EHE it is easier for professionals to sweep DD’s needs under the carpet. Crudely, at the moment, you are someone’s problem. That doesn’t mean you have to force her to attend is she isn’t able to though.

We're already technically EHE so only our own problem which has its up sides and down sides. The thing she is refusing is for EHE students.

I am just already exhausted by it all. I don't even remotely trust our LA and would prefer to have as little to do with it as possible.

I wish at times I could set up an extremely old fashioned school with textbooks, desks, chalk, a blackboard and paper homework. I know DD1 would thrive in a school like that but those do not exist anymore. So we are trying for an independent school which needs some specific documents before they take her which we are now waiting for.

@ISaySteadyOn then I would just stop the EHE activity. It isn’t essential. While waiting for the new school, would DD1 work at home? She could work from a textbook and paper if that is what works for her.

That's the road I am heading down I think. I am just going to take each day as it comes and keep doing my best.

Today I hope I don't catch DH's virus ☹️.

@ISaySteadyOn oh gosh what a tricky time. We nearly got our son into a different school to decelerate & repeat Y10 too, but in our case not quite. He saw out Y11 with small amounts of mainly 1:1 tutoring instead. You're welcome to PM me if it might help to hear how that worked, though I'm sure it needs to be very bespoke to each YP.

Do you actually have any choice here? You can't do the impossible, and that is not a personal failing.

You have a kind of many worlds scenario where you don't know if she is aiming at GCSEs this year or not. I guess that will resolve fairly quickly - it sounds like that school change is likely(?) and should be expedited as no one wants her missing Y10 learning, but for now you're in limbo. If she stays and does GCSEs this summer, then every week counts in her learning. I remember feeling that as such pressure. But with the uncertainty I can imagine it's hard for her to feel motivated and she may be a bit rabbit in headlights at the prospect. Might she feel she is not good enough, or is already too far behind?

Could she maybe try just her favourite subject in the EHE? Or is even that a step too far?

Say to her that there IS a way through it one way or another. It's not too late no matter what happens with the other school and you will know one way or the other pretty soon. I really feel for you, I get flashbacks reading this thread.

Oh I’m sorry @ISaySteadyOn that sounds so stressful. I agree, I would do the same as @2x4greenbrick suggests while waiting for the new school and take the pressure off with the EHE thing. Being able to repeat Y10 sounds good! I really hope it works out for you.

Thanks everyone for the support yesterday! What an awful day. I actually slept like a log last night for the first time in months weirdly.

We have had some good news today though and have found out the school we put down as our preference have been named on her EHCP (and they have even sent us an updated final EHCP like they said they would!). The caseworker has said the SENDCO from new school will be in touch to discuss an appropriate transition plan and start date.

I am not sure how I feel about it. I am pleased obviously but also apprehensive. I told dd and she’s thrilled, so I really really hope it all works out ok.

that's amazing! Well done @Leafywool . The start of a new chapter and the closing of the current one - to huge relief I'm sure!

@Piony have PMed you.

DS is doing great. I think because he has friends to play Dungeons and Dragons with after school. He is also starting this year with adjustments that we discovered he needed last year. His school has been great but, if I can be pleased with myself a moment, I think I also found a school that suited him as closely as possible.

Love that @ISaySteadyOn it’s SO nice to hear it’s going well and all your hard work is paying off 👏🏻

Fantastic @ISaySteadyOn. Well done for securing those adjustments for him.

Oh can I join? Although my son is going currently 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 everyday is such anxiety. This morning he took his uniform off and got back in bed 10 minutes before we needed to leave. He did go in the end thankfully.

I'm all ears for what other people have done for school adjustments. We have just started a new school so really want to get everything in place so it can be a different experience this time.

He is audhd and just needs lots of downtime. So we make sure everything at home is no pressure chill out time. So I'm not sure how else we can help him on that front. He'd really love a Wednesday mid week break but I'm not sure how school would feel about that. We are still awaiting a ehcp.

welcome @MightyGoldBear . How old is your son? I hope he's had a good day.

My son's on a scheduled day off today. It's not ideal and shouldn't be a long term solution, or something that gets the school off the hook of meeting his needs properly. I wonder if there is anything else your son could do for a lower demand wed pm in school to give him a bit of a break instead? Some schools run forest school for example or some sort of social skills club. But starting a brand new school is so tiring anyway. I hope things will get easier for him and he makes some friends.

@MightyGoldBear where are you in the EHCP process? The assessment during the needs assessment should help you know what support DS needs. What has already been tried but not worked? Can DS communicate which parts of the day are tricky?

Welcome @MightyGoldBear , I hope the school makes the necessary adjustments. One of mine goes home a bit early on Fridays and school is happy with that.

Hello everyone, we are day 3 of a new school and moving house so given all of that he is doing really well bless him. He is 8 years old. We are awaiting results of the ehcp after trying again it got turned down the first time but I'm told that's pretty standard. We do have his diagnosis now so I was hoping that might add some weight to it but who knows.

Its tricky to know what parts of the school day work and dont for him. If asked he would say all of it. I know he finds transitions hard. Even days where they do forest school or p.e are still taxing for him. I think just masking all day it's utterly exhausting. I'm likely audhd myself so I feel very similar to him I hated school so I feel awful sending him but I loved university. So I know education doesn't have to be awful. He is so curious and loves learning he just needs the school environment to include more downtime safe spaces. We are so early days with a new school so I know it will be a process but keen to avoid too much anxiety for both of us. I'm hopeful that this school won't essentially want to see him at his worst before they will take us seriously. It seemed at his previous school they pushed and pushed him because he masks so well then it all came crumbling down. I had to quit my job and we both became burnt out with the process of trying to get help/be understood.

@MightyGoldBear when you say you are awaiting results of the EHCP, where in the process are you? Do you mean you are waiting to hear if the LA will assess? Or do you mean the LA has agreed to assess but you are waiting to see if they will agree to issue?

Arriving 5/10 mins early or later via a quieter entrance might help transition into school. Same at pick up time. You could ask if there is someone who could meet DS each morning. Although without an EHCP, many schools wouldn’t be able to provide this.

Hi I’m new to the thread. My DS is 14 and meant to be in year 10 but only managed a couple of hours yesterday. Gets totally overwhelmed and can’t cope. Managed only about 45% attendance last year but he had medical issues and I think the stress of that has really had a big impact. Already has an EHCP, 1 to 1 TA, school doing everything they can. He’s also autistic.

When do you just give up on school? I’m finding it so stressful and also really upsetting as he has lovely friends there and teachers who really like him. He’s capable and could achieve so much. It’s heartbreaking to think he might be giving all that up. I also find it really hard detaching the anxiety (which is genuinely high) from just not being bothered to go. Argh, it’s awful!

We are considering Minerva online but how do I know he’d even do that? Needs me to sit next to him for weekly maths tuition online and I just can’t sit there for hours a day. But feeling like we are running out of options.

Welcome to the thread! Everyone on here is sympathetic and knowing you are not alone helps.

Your second paragraph really resonates with me. Mine are similar. I guess there is something about the school environment itself that really puts autistic teens off. I sometimes wish we could get all our DC together so they too would feel less alone and odd because of their difficulties.

I don't know @RoxieLoxy. My son had a great Y9 and fell off a cliff from the start of Y10. Apparently it's a thing, the pressure inevitably cranks up a notch. Ed Psych also told us that fear of the unknown yawning chasm of what comes after can be a big part of it, even when students don't express it.

Might an ed Psych assessment help? School might be able to give you some of their budgeted ed Psych time or you could look at commissioning one privately, or getting LA to fund it as input to an emergency AR process. (the last was beyond me when we were at this point, but you might do better.)

Ultimately though, you may feel out of your depth but there isn't anyone on the planet who knows him better than you do or cares more for him. Maybe this is stating the obvious but I wish someone had said It to me: it is your call if you think that being at school is counterproductive and making him ill. You'd need to involve the GP, sure, but don't wait on school to tell you that it is not in his interests to be there.

My son just "noped" learning at home, always has done really. I know it can work well for others, I just have no clue how to make it happen here.

I really feel for you. So much stress every day, for both of you.

Thank you @ISaySteadyOn and @Piony. What year is your son in now @Piony? I’m sorry I haven’t read back so not sure if he stayed at the same school?

Thanks for the ed psych idea - i will look into that.

I agree @ISaySteadyOn it seems to be the environment that’s the main issue - too busy, too noisy, too many people, unexpected things etc etc.

I’m at the point where I just want certainty and to take the pressure off by leaving school - but the home learning option probably creates a whole new set of issues. Also really feeling awful with every lesson that’s missed as it’s now meant to be gcse studying time. It was bad enough missing so much of year 9.