EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

Fantastic information, thanks again so much for your help @2x4greenbrickit is most appreciated!

I've got my fingers crossed for everyone for a smooth start to the new year. It's very daunting all round. 💐

It is. DD starts tomorrow and the others start on Monday. Tomorrow though they just receive their timetables and then go do an activity that DD loves plus she has a friend there this year and she's no longer new. Fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that.

Can I ask a bit of a personal question? How many schools have your DC gone through? Cos one of mine is reaching a large number.

I wish it weren't so hard for them.

Good luck for your DD tomorrow @ISaySteadyOn .

One of my regrets is we kept DS in his primary for far longer than we should have. As long as he complied with being forced in we forced him - pre-covid, it seemed unthinkable to do anything else. I expect he's had fewer school changes than your son, but that doesn't mean we did it better or that he was less damaged from it. Every school change is evidence of you listening to him and trying to make things better for him, and ultimately I do think that counts for a lot.

My eldest dd started at one school trying her hardest but I moved to a different area (100 miles), she started another school in y3 ok ish till y6 then a boy punched her in the face broke her nose, fixed under general anaesthetic then while she was recovering from that cos of course it was 6 and 2 3s the teacher refused to let her go to the loo in class (she had IBS after getting salmonella on a school trip). She had an accident and then the teacher chose to humiliate her more so she refused to go back. Moved her in y6 started somewhere else then moved to high school. Tried her hardest episode of autistic burnout but managed to drag herself to the end. Bloody awful experience tbh. She started work at 16 and has worked very hard. She has no faith left in school after her experience and her 2 older boys.
Youngest DD stayed at one primary. Never fully happy always nervy despite all our efforts went to high school not great y7 got moved to hospital school on y8 then back in to get high school lasted one day took out to home ed. Then did Y11 at college and went on elsewhere to do an access certificate and uni. Then similarly with grandsons we have jumped sinking ship straight to home ed. Not really tolerated trying to fit in. Square pegs.
But in my experience of different schools and being a governor at 2 for over 10 years I have no faith. I just think once you have problems with your peer group you need to get out for your own sanity.
I moved high school myself in in 1984 in first year. I remember laying in bed not being able to go and listening to Steve Wright on the radio I was so unhappy with myself. Still had bouts of Ebsa till I left just turned up for exams. Things weren't as strict then. I don't think that helps. Teachers were always on strike though no parents evening no lunchtime supervision no telephone at home mother just left us too it she didn't care she had had enough of my 2 brother's misbehaving. I was in nightclubs at 13 and spent school days in pubs playing pool.

Not really helpful for your question @ISaySteadyOn. You've just got to do right by your child and what you can manage. If you're ok starting again go for it. No one should be judging. I would never condemn anyone for trying.

Totally agree with @Pionylast sentence! Hope dd’s day goes smoothly today @ISaySteadyOn😃

Dd is booked in for an ‘extra transition session’ ahead of the school year starting on Monday but she’s not going. I drafted an email to her tutor last night explaining where we are at, and that I’m not going to physically force her in. I did mention again how she had been doing so well attending all her sessions, had made some friends and built a good relationship with her tutor and that the sudden change in tutor/timetable has been totally detrimental to her progress and she no longer feels safe there. I’ve said we will of course continue to engage with them and report her absences on the days she should be in.

I don’t know if I should be emailing the LA re section 19 and the fact she isn’t getting access to an appropriate education? I feel like we are in limbo at the moment until we hear back from the school they consulted. I am going to chase that up today and ask what the timeline is for them to respond.

I am sure you all understand but I feel like after a nice few weeks of summer I am back to sending millions of emails and spinning loads of plates again…

The good thing is though when we were talking last night as she was upset about having nowhere to go and falling behind, I suggested again about me looking for some online resources/work I could set her each day and she seemed up for it for once!! Despite everything that has gone on, she has come along so much since the end of last year/start of 2026 which consisted of multiple meltdowns a day and barely even leaving her room.

'I am sure you all understand but I feel like after a nice few weeks of summer I am back to sending millions of emails and spinning loads of plates again…'

Plus the daily heart in mouth feeling of whether today will work or not. Honestly, with my eldest, I can't teach her (I tried), I wish we lived in more Victorian times because I swear that what would actually be good for her is a governess! Or sending her to be apprenticed somewhere. However, like your DD @Leafywool , she is ok with some new suggestions about my maybe looking for a tutor rather than trying yet another school. We shall see.

@Leafywool Yes, email the LA about s19 provision and if there is anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP, remind them of their s42 duty.

My thoughts are with you @ISaySteadyOn and @Leafywool. Fingers crossed there's more to be positive about hopefully things keep moving forward.💐

@Piony good luck you you and your son for this new year.❤️

@Leafywool I have probably said before but CPG workbooks are pretty good especially for kids who can be self motivated or enjoyed doing activity books.

Thank you @Luddite26. I've had a nice chat with DS's 1:1 (plus several emails inevitably) and I am hopeful. Are there any new adventures for your boys this Sept or are you rolling calmly onward?

That sounds positive @Piony. I hope you have had some sort of break over the summer it seems to have just been warm and dry and passed is by somewhat. I'm not good with the heat.
Eldest turned 17 on Tuesday so is wanting to drive asap. The youngest two had to leave their nursery because of the unaffordable cost over the summer so the youngest has started somewhere with term time hours only but he is down to do 30. So that is a big move for him as he has been at his other since he was 6 months so nearly 2 years and he did 3 mornings and got dropped off with his brother.He has started here on his own.
He is doing well at drop off but he gets really cross with us when he comes home! He's so angry! Hopefully he will calm down as he seems to like it! It's like here we go again....😄

Well DS got accepted for a new school, but doesn't start yet until October with some on and off transition days from the 21st September where he was expected to go between one school and another.

He's returned to mainstream for the time being but really isn't coping at all. I forewarned the new senco that he can get quite explosive on the days after returning, and he's up all night and then full of anxiety on a morning, so have asked if he can finish when his transition sessions start so he isn't back and forth and his EBSA about his current school doesn't transfer over to his new school if we can get a good thing going. He's already started lashing out at school.

It's taken a lot of advocating, but they've finally agreed as long as I agree to allow a DSL to come over and do a safeguarding check every few days. It seems backwards given he doesn't feel safe at school yet expected me to send him in, still, I'll welcome them in and make them a cup of tea.

To boot, there's a life threatening conflict of needs between my sons agreed provision and another child due to allergies. One of the ways school made it accessible for DS was they permitted him to graze throughout the day on the very limited number of safe foods he would eat as he's malnourished and underweight due to ARFID, and finds mealtime pressure too much. He can't do that now, and things have to be extremely structured. He's barely eaten anything over the past few days since returning and is too overwhelmed on a morning and after school to manage a meal. They're provided, and chosen for him so they're as low demand as possible but he still can't bring himself to eating. I think he's had a peperami, cracker, and half a pack of noodles in the past 48 hours. This is such a massive change and we saw a huge improvement over the holidays. He can't tell me but I can tell these new restrictions are increasing his anxiety at school and I wish they'd just permitted me to keep him off from the start of term until he starts his new school.

My DD has only been at her one primary and secondary. Fine at primary. Only managed a very reduced timetable at secondary from Y8 - 10, out altogether for online school in Y11. She was desperate to go back in as a "normal" student in sixth form but one day in and she is already crumbling and I am having to start being squeaky wheel parent yet again. I don't see how she would have managed better anywhere else though.

I really feel for all the kids who are struggling and their long-suffering parents.

I'm so sorry to read your post @Jimmyneutronsforehead. That must be awful to see your soon going through. Sounds like attendance at all costs. That's not right at all.
I don't see how it's not going to affect his transition. How cruel. School must think restricting him like this will force him into suddenly eating. I often wonder what training courses these people go on. Your poor son.

💐 to everyone here. We are all doing our best in hard situations.

@Tickingcrocodile I hope DD can settle better next week or school quickly facilitate online learning again for her she doesn't need any more pressure. At least she knows she can apply herself with her work but that won't make her feel better.

Exactly. And for the past 3 years they really haven't been arsed about his attendance at all. He's had weeks where he hasn't been able to go in, and no welfare check but now I'm asking for a few broken days they insist on attendance.

I've even asked the school what the allergen is so I can try and work round it to make sure that he has free access to snacks that won't cause a reaction as I initially thought wheat or gluten from what they advised but they just said they will provide breadsticks and plain crackers in class so there's something available for all children at all times but my son won't touch breadsticks and he will only eat crackers with butter on, which he needs for the extra calories anyway. I obviously don't want another child getting ill but I need to make sure mine doesn't also get ill and hes 2-3 weeks before his transition time to the new school.

Sounds like your son is not their priority @Jimmyneutronsforehead. Can you speak to your GP and keep him at home till he is due to start his new school. His eating is a priority and he is going to have trouble settling in to his new school if he's wat down this nonsense eating track. Poor kid. 💔

I don't think I'd even get a telephone GP appointment in this time. I will ring them though because you've got to make sure there's a paper trail for everything these days.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead If DS isn’t well enough to attend, you can still keep him at home and inform the school he is too unwell to attend.

You don’t have to accept welfare calls.

Do you want the slow transition? If not and it isn’t set out in the EHCP, if the new school is named in the EHCP, they must admit and DS can attend full-time unless they are formally suspending. If it includes an added ‘from X date’ caveat, he can attend full time from then if you want.

Is the need to graze in the EHCP?

If there are allergies in the classroom, I can see the issue. Competing needs are hard to balance.

Im ok with the slow transition, he has a few half days on 21st, 23rd, 28th and 29th of September and a full day on the 30th, the school is a new build so it's not officially open until October.

My issue was that the transition back from the 6 week holidays back to mainstream, in Reception, for a third year with a whole new group of children, plus the transition days were too much if they expected him to also go to mainstream on the other half and full days off the scheduled transition. They originally said if I don't send him it will be unauthorised absence as he technically has provision, but they've since said it won't go towards absence but they will have to send a DSL to our house for a welfare check every few days.

He would genuinely get something out of a slow introduction to the new school but wouldn't get anything out of going to and from a school he has panic attacks about every morning and meltdowns from every day after school.

He has got permission to graze in his EHCP and for the past few years they've had no issues accommodating this. It was hard to get it into his EHCP as at mediation they insisted on professional reports from specialists to back up his ARFID needs, otherwise they were just going to leave it in the parental views section but we actually don't have any local ARFID services so it's impossible to get what they're asking for.

The school have said they can't even separate the children by placing them in different classrooms as both reception classrooms are open plan and share an open plan corridor so its basically one huge classroom with 2 teachers and 4 TAs. The only thing they can offer is taking my son to a separate room regularly to eat his snacks where he can wash his hands thoroughly before re-entering the classroom but he's almost 8 and no interventions or support have made him able to eat at structured times as it becomes too overwhelming for him and he just refuses to eat.

I've been keeping a diary of what I've sent him in with and what he's come home with for the past few days since they've gone back and he's come back with almost everything and I can't guarantee he's eaten what is actually missing as they may have offered it but he's not taken it.

Wanted to edit my previous post but it won't let me now but under section F it specifically says:
“ will be able to bring in familiar foods and snacks and have access these in setting at all time to support dietary intake.”

And elsewhere in section F it states to avoid directing him. It also records that his diet is highly restricted, that he has persistent iron deficiency, and that his ability to access appropriate food and maintain his nutritional intake directly affects his energy, stamina and regulation.