EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

Well, DD2 still sullen. Had good conversation with her new HoY on the phone and, if I can just get her in, I think she'll thrive.

I feel pretty rotten. I could barely sleep last night.

DD1 might have told me off but I don't feel like she hates me the way I think DD2 does right now.

But DS told me that I am really kind and a great person to talk to. He makes me laugh. He went in today and did PE which went fine.

Good luck this morning @ISaySteadyOn. Sullen teens don't bring the best start to a day. At least the school sounds supportive. But it's the pressure you feel to get them in when you are the link. The way you are left with everything hanging over you.💐

Anything DD says to you at the moment is heavily tinged by the fact she is feeling so much pressure this week. I.hope you and she have a better day today @ISaySteadyOn but if not, try again tomorrow or next week x

We have agreed that she will try tomorrow and school have also agreed that she only needs to come in a few days a week while she settles. I think she was surprised that their response was 'Sure, what a good idea, let's do that.'

So far they have been great and patient and very flexible. I know it's because I am paying fees but, to be fair, this approach is exactly what I paid for.

@ISaySteadyOn I am sure she will get there eventually. It’s a big thing starting a completely new school even without the background of EBSA and anything else going on. Hopefully if you can get her there tomorrow she will have a positive day and it will set her up to keep going. It’s so hard, you have my solidarity!

Dd wasn’t feeling well yesterday so didn’t go in. To be fair to her, she did look incredibly pasty and she said she felt sick. I thought she would say the same this morning even though she was fine in the afternoon, as she was feeling anxious last night, but I dropped her off this morning no issues!

We self referred to a charity for 1-1 talking therapy before Christmas and she’s finally come to the top of the waiting list. She’s got her first session this afternoon but I have no idea how it will go. Generally she has been pretty happy recently and we’ve had very minimal meltdowns or any grumblings of her feeling sad. She even said to me the other day she didn’t feel like she needed therapy any more but I know she will still benefit from it.

We went to view a potential school to submit as our preferred option for her EHCP on the Friday before half term. I think we liked it. It has an RP for autistic students but 80% of classes are in mainstream which I think would actually suit dd quite well. It’s a very academic school and regularly comes up in those ‘best state schools in the north’ type lists in the newspapers. People buy ££££ houses in the catchment to get their kids in there! We don’t live super close but it’s only 15/20 mins on the train which dd would be fine doing. Dd is very clever and wants to be pushed academically so on paper it sounds great but I’m still so worried about making the wrong decision. There’s an older girl who goes to her weekly autism social group who goes to the same school and she loves it and is doing well there. Dd said she has ‘the same flavour’ of autism as her, so it’s good to hear a positive experience.

We have another option we can look at which is a similar set up but slightly closer to home, and less academic. But she has a couple of friends there already which is a plus. It’s a school we had originally looked at for Y7 but discounted as the facilities and classes they offered weren’t as interesting to dd but they do have good support for autistic children with an EHCP so it’s worth us looking again now we will have that in place.

I still haven’t looked at the draft EHCP stuff and I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I’ve been on the EHCP support thread on here which has some brilliant posters offering support but I just can’t get my head around any of it. They have said she should have had more than just an EP report and I should try and get private OT and SALT done but I can’t afford to. And I find all the terminology just so confusing 😖

I hope all ok with everyone. DD went in today. I am waiting to collect her now. DS did not.

Fingers crossed.

I hope it went well

@Leafywool I hope you can work through the EHCP. I am like you the whole thought of it is so overwhelming. The posters on the support thread are incredibly knowledgeable I read it but very little makes sense to me. I hope you can work your way through the mud.

@ISaySteadyOnHow did it go for dd yesterday?

@Luddite26 Thank you! I feel exactly the same, I can’t make sense of all the terminology etc. I just went back to my emails and realised I have read the dates wrong and we have actually missed the deadline for responding to say if we are happy with the contents of the EHCP, which was meant to be by 3rd June!! They agreed to extend the date which we need to confirm our preference for school consultation choose to the 10th and I read it as the whole thing. DH just said he thought the same too. Aghhh! No one has chased it up - the case worker was actually on annual leave until yesterday so I should probably email and explain the mix up.

It went ok. She likes her classes. She isn't in today but that's ok because we agreed we would play it by ear and ease her back into school gradually.

Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in setting things up to help her @Leafywool . You've achieved an amazing amount already without an EHCP in place.

I found the EHCP process confusing and lonely. There is so much expert advice on MN and through charities and they really do know their stuff, but it felt like they were operating in a different world to my reality, where DD's caseworker stonewalled all communications from me and actively lied to my face. There seemed to be no playbook for the way it worked in my LA, al the advice presumed some sort of conversation was possible or I had some lever that I struggled in practice to pull. I do fear I have now become part of the problem, advising people on here to do xyz to secure the best EHCP when I know the reality of doing that can be difficult. But if nothing else I have some solidarity for where you are. If there is anything I might be able to help with please let me know.

@ISaySteadyOn I hope yesterday went OK for DD. I don't t know how I would cope with more than one child struggling to attend.

@Leafywool It is overwhelming, but you can do this. The LA won’t chase over amendments. Still reply anyway. Under another name I replied to you on the EHCP thread. In case you missed my post about this on there, if you have to appeal and can’t afford independent assessments, you should check if you are eligible for legal aid which can fund independent assessments if necessary, and if you aren’t eligible have a look at charity funding. If there is terminology you don’t understand, it is OK to ask.

@Piony it shouldn’t be the case, but sadly it is normal for LAs to lie to parents. It is why parents should check what they are told. Ultimately, the process doesn’t require the LA to respond to emails, etc. and despite what some LAs think, the law applies to all LAs and it can be enforced in all LAs.

Thank you @Piony that’s very kind of you to say. It can feel relentless at times but this thread has been so good to chat to others who ‘get’ it.

@2x4greenbrick Thank you, I did see your reply! Unfortunately we aren’t eligible (very long story but both DH and I earn a decent wage but we have a very failing hospitality business alongside our day jobs which is financially screwing us 🥴). I feel like I ask really stupid basic questions on that thread so I tend to mostly lurk 😁

I totally panicked this morning but DH has spent the whole day researching and going through the draft EHCP and he’s done an absolutely fantastic job of writing our response. I am so glad as I was struggling to even read it in the first place. There’s a hell of a lot of vague wording in there and we’ve also requested them to arrange for SALT and OT assessments. I am prepared for LA to push back on those but I believe we have a legal right to request it.

I find it absolutely wild that the LA will outright lie and try and break the law. I had no idea until we started this whole process and unfortunately it seems like a very common occurrence.

@Leafywool no such thing as a stupid question. Don’t ever be worried about asking questions.

Even if you aren’t eligible for legal aid, if you have to appeal, it is still worth looking at charity funding because not all are means tested.

DD made a friend! She went in on Friday, met a nice girl and she went in today and now they are friends. I am very happy about this.

@ISaySteadyOn that is such good news. Good for DD. 🩷

Thank you for this thread. Just come across it from another thread.

DS has EBSA. ASD possibly ADHD but that is another wad of paperwork I just can't face right now.

Awaiting a tribunal date for a named specialist provision for social communication and interaction needs, but worried that even after all this fighting to get him into a specialist placement he will still have school based anxiety.

We've had a few weeks where he has gone to school and not been late, but this is not the norm. Last year I could count on both hands the amount of full days he spent in school and he probably went in on a part time time table even less.

Significant speech delay so can't tell me anything about school, and school say once he is in he has a whale of a time, he just can't access the curriculum and his day is filled up with so many different interventions and therapies suggested by the professionals involved in his needs assessment that he wouldn't have time to even if he could sit at a desk.

Feeling a bit deflated but we've had a text from HMCTS sendist tribunal today to say we've sent everything in for an appeal to take place and it may take up to 20 working days to register the case from today.

It's getting into the sticky end of the school year. Everyone's tired.

Welcome @Jimmyneutronsforehead . Sounds like specialist provision could simplify your son's day and make school feel much less stressful. It was absolutely key for my son and has improved his self esteem no end. He's now managing A levels in a mainstream college. Speech therapy takes a lot of the credit I think, and some fantastic "emotionally attuned" LSAs, TAs and teachers. I think his less SEN-informed previous schools thought they were doing everything they could, but just didn't know what they didn't know IYSWIM. They didn't see how much they were missing.

It might be worth looking up the grounds for expediting appeals, in case he meets the criterion of not accessing enough education. Just lodging the appeal can help - we lodged one in May and had a new school place by Sept even though the hearing date was still months off. A lot of specialist places in my county get awarded literally in the last 2 days of summer term, so you may be just in time.

I am also parking ADHD paperwork at the moment. It's all a lot to handle.

Our mediation advisor actually told us to ask for an earlier appeal date.

I looked at the SEND7 form and it says put my appeal date in, which we've obviously not got yet, and I don't know if I can send the form off without it. It's really confusing me.

Basically he's in reception for a third year, and come september it will be a 4th year. Obviously being 3-4 years older than the other kids in that class is not ideal, plus no education.

He can't move up into year 1 because it's significantly more structured which he can't access that structure.

School feel keeping him in reception will reduce his EBSA but it's just attendance politics. The school really don't care if he's there or not because he can't learn there despite being a really sharp, witty little boy with a natural affinity to learning through play.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead since you have already submitted your appeal, wait until it is registered before requested an expedited hearing on the basis DS isn’t attending school full-time. Don’t forget you will need to seek the LA’s views first. It isn’t guaranteed and hearing back from the SEND7 is taking time at the moment because SENDIST is inundated but is certainly worth asking.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead welcome to the thread. Honestly, I think this is one of the most supportive places on MN. We're all dealing with varying levels of EBSA and ND and supporting each other.

I don't know much about appeals but I hope everything goes well for you and that your DS gets what he needs. He sounds lovely.

And on a different note, does anyone ever wake up and just know that school isn't going to happen today? And hate that you know that? That's this morning for me a bit.

Good news is I was completely wrong! All of them in!

Which means today that didn't work out at all. One step forward, two steps back.

Had a parents evening at DS' school recently. It was very frustrating because it is clear to me and DS' teachers that he is a very bright boy and if he just took the help that was offered and applied himself, he would do absolutely brilliantly. One of his teachers is especially frustrated because he is a good teacher and has noticed that on the rare occasions DS asks a question or volunteers information, it is always spot on or a really good question. So he sees how well DS could do if only he would accept support. Which he won't because he is a perfectionist. And then I start to feel angry with DS which I know is unfair but the education he is getting, he is very lucky to have and he hasn't yet realised how to make the most of it.

And of course, his sisters finish before he does so that's not going to make life difficult for me at all

Sorry, you guys are the only safe people besides DH to rant to about this.

How is everyone doing?

We’ve unfortunately gone backwards and things are as bad as when dd first started at MNHES. This is through no fault of her own and I am fuming with the school. We got an email out of the blue last week from someone we have never heard of saying ‘I will now be dd’s tutor from 29th June and she’s now in a different group, attached is her new timetable’ with absolutely no context whatsoever. I replied querying it and saying how detrimental a sudden change is going to be for her, and the head of KS3 replied to me basically saying they do this every year as a transition into the next school year. That is fine but they have given no indication of this happening at all so it’s come completely out of the blue. Even some context in the first email would have been nice! This along with how they handled her starting there (which I gave them the benefit of the doubt about) has made me so frustrated. Dd has refused to go back at all because she’s so anxious, and she’s so upset. She told me last night she was finally getting into the new routine and feeling confident about contributing in her classes. I am so sad for her because she truly has been trying so hard and if they had taken her needs into consideration this wouldn’t have happened. Even a few weeks notice to tell us this was coming up and what to expect would have been adequate.

I honestly don’t know how to move forwards now. We have just gone back to square 1 with it all ☹️