EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

@amr78 fingers crossed for DS. You must have felt such relief that he was feeling upbeat. Small wins.

@amr78 that sounds really positive! Fingers crossed for the same tomorrow 🤞

@Piony Yes I definitely feel like I’m on the Big Dipper at the minute!! I totally get that when it’s hard to see what has triggered them. It happens a lot with dd and it can be frustrating but I genuinely have the patience of a saint, and if she’s not feeling something then I don’t force it.

Today went super well. She was really anxious last night and this morning as she’s not been to maths before but I got her in relatively smoothly. The first thing she said to me when she came out was ‘I really like my maths class.’ I can’t ask for better than that. She loved the teacher and said her group were more chatty in maths, where in English they are all pretty much mute - so she said she got a chance to get to know them a little better. Our next hurdle is Tuesday where she has both lessons with the break in between but she’s going to take a book in to read, and I’ve emailed her tutor to ask if someone can show her where the break time quiet room is and if they can just check on her for that first time.

She’s been in such a great mood today after her lesson which has been absolutely lovely.

@Luddite26 thank you. Unfortunately he didn’t make it in yesterday but has gone in today as they’re doing a debrief for those using a laptop for GCSEs. He is doing the whole day today - just hope it doesn’t wipe him out too much that he’s unable to do any revision over the weekend as its only 2.5 weeks until his first exam.
@Leafywool sounds like your DS had a really positive day yesterday. That’s fantastic. Hope she’s still feeling upbeat today.

You have to admire the character of these young people don't you? Well done @amr78 son & @Leafywool 's daughter, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

@amr78 it is so nerve racking but if doing zero revision over the weekend would bring him to Monday morning calmer and with more capacity, it might set him up for more revision over the week as a whole. So try not to panic. It's all just a big unknown though isn't it, which is so difficult. The exam period is a long old haul.

All in all the low points have been very deep but the higher points have been largely unexpected and very welcome. I hope everyone can have some time to reset over the weekend.

How is this week going so far?

Things are pretty calm here day to day, though worrying about the longer term keeps me awake at night now and then. Y13 is coming up on us quickly.

@Piony not good! Only 1 day in school last week and nothing this week. Realistically I don't think my DD will go back to school. I rang them this morning to tell them so. Hoping someone will get back to me.
I hope she will sit her GCSEs but I think it's unlikely.
Sounds like everyone had a bit of a mixed bag last week, with both highs and lows.

I'm sorry @IAmNotALoon , so hard on you all. It's exhausting.

@Piony thank you! We are OK. I was a bit despairing this morning but at least DD got up to do some of her vocational subject. I know what's it like to be awake at night worrying.

I hope your DS can make it in for the exams, @amr78, as it sounds as though he has managed to keep on top of his subjects. I know you said he doesn't want to consider a contingency plan at the moment if he can't ( as he wants to stay in his current school for sixth form) but probably wise to have something up your sleeve to suggest if things don't go according to plan. I must admit I haven't worked out anything for my DD yet. DH says I can't suggest anything or she will think I'm giving up on her ( I think this is PDA?). She's at a very different school, she only needs to pass her vocational subject to get to the next step, even if she doesn't sit GCSEs this year. Trouble is, I don't think she will do this.

@Leafywool how has your DD been this week? I hope she had some more positive experiences at school.

@IAmNotALoon it’s so hard isn’t it? I did broach the idea of a contingency plan in the form of T-levels at college over the Easter holidays but DS wouldn’t entertain the idea. DH wasn’t really on board with it either and is of the opinion all will be fine - it may well be, but there’s sufficient evidence to suggest it might not be and we could well be left high and dry without a plan B. It’s DS’s 16th birthday today and he’s also made it in for half a day of school. He’s done 2 days in total since term started last Tuesday but says he feels like he gets more revision done in school than home. Trying to arrange another meeting with the SEND lead to cover off the various ‘what if?’ scenarios.

What is your DD hoping to do following her vocational course and GCSEs? Keeping my fingers crossed for you all.

Happy birthday to your DS @amr78. Not his favourite one I'm sure. Great that he is managing some revision. I'm super proud of how DS is managing this year but we are still a long way from that.

@amr I think when we broach the subject of contingency plans our young ones think we are saying that they are going to fail but we are only trying to keep the pressure off them and let them know that they have alternatives and that we think their mental health and wellbeing is more important than exams. I suppose it's best to think of plans Bs but keep them to ourselves for now. I hope your DS had a good 16th birthday!
My DD is hoping to do Games Design next year. She did not make it into school at all last week but did a bit of work on her project. She is talking of taking her exams and even mentioned the intention of doing some revision.

I have read everyone's posts and send supportive hugs to all. I am someone who likes a contingency plan so it is hard to hold back. And it's hard to tiptoe round teens and ND teens. and not saying the wrong thing. So well done for walking the tightrope..
I haven't got any advice whatsoever because it is just all in the air really and I do feel like @Piony found out last year things can miraculously fall into place. It might not be the exact place but a place is good enough.
I was also thinking as I'm a dinosaur and remember kids leaving school at Easter if they were old enough and left to their own revision plans and kids who turned 16 after Easter having to stay on till the end of May probably having smaller groups to cross the ts and fit the is. So much pressure these days on the kids and how much is to just make the school look successful. I was in the year group who were the first to take GCSEs supposedly to make everything better and it hasn't once done that. I remember when mine were taking them it seemed like a culture where anything less than 15 A*s was failing. It really is a sad state we have got to.
I know my thoughts are of no practical help. Just try to keep going and the weeks will pass.

@IAmNotALoon yes we’ve parked the idea of contingency plans as far as mentioning it to DS goes, but did have a meeting with the SEND lead on Friday to talk through the various ‘what ifs’ scenarios. Was good to know that if DS struggles to make it in for the exam start (such a nightmare getting him up in the morning) then he can go into the exam late and still have the full time, as long as he’s in before the paper is officially finished. Having a difficult day with DS today - he chose not to revise yesterday which of course is fine but now angry at DH and I for not waking him up today. DH took him in coffee this morning before we both went out separately to do some exercise - he wasn’t up when I got back and is now blaming us that he’s not in the mood for revising today either. He has a Lumie alarm clock and a mobile but will never set them. Trying to just keep myself very busy and distracted in the lead up to the exams starting - the house has never been so clean or my gym attendance been so high!
Glad DD was able to so some of her project work last week. Hope she has a positive week this week.

@Luddite26 thank you for your thoughts. Am so appreciative of the support on here. We’re very much walking the tightrope here at the moment. As a neurodivergence coach explained to us, there will be landmines you will inadvertently step on even when being super careful! Innocent comments from teachers such as ‘it’s good to see you’ can be incredibly triggering for DS in his current highly demand avoidant state. It’s got to the point where spontaneous conversations with DS are almost no longer possible - I have to scrutinise everything I plan to say before it leaves my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing. As you say, there is so much pressure on kids. I think I sat GCSEs just after the A* was introduced. Nowadays, it’s no longer a question of how many As but how super duper the A equivalents are.

@amr78 you are giving me flashbacks! Really tough times. Exams themselves are hard but once they start at least they are a concrete step closer to it all being over. This fallow waiting time is a strange "time between times"

The A star thing has only ever been a relatively small group of society. Small comfort when your friends regard the idea of a 7 with horror, I know, but there is a big world out there that doesn't.

DS has, completely understandably, declined to go to a careers fair with me so I'm going to go alone and see if I can drum up any ideas.

Hi thinking about how everyone is doing and sending out hugs.

Yes best wishes to you all, and best of luck in particular to those heading into the exam period. Luckily no exams for DS this summer. I'm trying to live in the moment and not worry too much about the future. He is doing well.

I am going to ramble a bit here.

I am off to talk to the SENCO at the school we found for DD. Wish me luck. I really like the school and I think DD will thrive there but I don't want to be too optimistic.

And two other thoughts in my brain. What do you all do about homework? I let it slide a bit because it's so hard just to get them in. The other is that since all of mine struggle with school attendance, I keep thinking I must have fucked up somewhere and now I don't know how to fix what it is I did wrong if I can even figure that out. Do you ever feel like that?

That's super positive to say that out loud @Piony and great to know.
That's all we want isn't it to feel positive that the kids are doing ok.

I have felt like that @ISaySteadyOn
Why was it my kids?
Accusations of being too soft always.
But I remember not wanting to go, not being able to face it and if I had been forced I would have wandered the streets. It's harder now with such a compulsion to attend.
I used to have constant period pain to get out of going. Teachers didn't question that!

I would let homework slide too if difficult to attend home is their safe space. But when mine were refusers/non-attenders I would try to implement home ed things or get them to help to try to get them out of bed. But that was 23 and 13 years agoish I don't know whether it was best. I just felt like they needed a sense of purpose! So one DD had to come to work with me house cleaning and i would get her to do skirting boards because I felt she was no good in bed. But she did have a period where she couldn't get out of bed so it was the stage where I was enticing her out for the sake of it.

I should have put a rambling warning !
Good luck with the SENCO chat.

I hope it went well with the SENCo @ISaySteadyOn .

My son doesn't do homework. He has never been able to do any schoolwork at home since COVID. I do feel like we have failed on that tbh so I am not best placed to advise. In his unit it's all very individual - some are supported to do their homework, others are supported in not having to. DS has been in both camps.

I think it depends on the homework as well as the student. Some is genuine productive, some is busywork, some is overlearning. The last is important in class teaching, but may be pointless or actively counterproductive to a super bright autistic kid with a knack for memorising. Hopefully at the right setting they are setting meaningful work which helps, but it must be hard to do that while also making sure those who "can't, not won't" tackle it are not disadvantaged in class. Teachers seem to vary a lot in how much they rely on, and expect of, homework. I believe the right teacher can teach to decent GCSE grades with no homework, but a student's sheer ability to do it is a learned skill that opens up a lot of options for the future. But they can only do what they can do, right? Some balls are going to get dropped in a crisis.

I wish DS could do homework. I worry that he can't. But also, pushing it would risk undoing years of careful work getting him back into learning. He says he is exhausted after a couple of hours of lessons, and we make more progress by believing him than by telling him no you're fine, crack on.

The meeting with the SENCO was great. She was so understanding and prepared to be sympathetic to DD. She's going to begin after the half term and start gradually just to ease her back in to the routine of school.

Eldest DD pushed herself to go to college yesterday and, as a result, got to hang out with her friends who were clearly pleased to see her and DS hasn't been in at all this week, a combination of a rotten cold and anxiety. The way he talks though indicates that he does want to do something. He's talking about GCSEs and that he wants to do better with attendance next year. My difficulty with him and homework is that he, unfortunately, has a tendency to lie to me about whether he has done it and then he doesn't want to go to school because he hasn't done it and doesn't want to get in trouble. The thing is the way his school sanctions you for not doing your homework is by making you do your homework after school at their version of homework club and since plenty of kids go to hw club anyway, there is no way to tell who is there because they didn't do it and who is there because they want to be. And afaic, that's a pretty gentle sanction.

Progress is happening but it can feel so painfully slow.

Sometimes I get very tired of having to be endlessly patient and understanding and never get angry or irritated or if I do to not show it. With DS it sometimes feels as if he won't go to spite me. I don't think that is really the case but it feels like it.

And I feel that I have to be like this because it is somehow my fault. That I didn't engage enough obedience in them when they were small, but I was trying so hard to be a good mum and not abusive or anything but with hindsight, given all 3 are autistic, I should have laid down more rules. It would have helped them. Of course, also being that way myself, I was trying to follow the rules as laid out by the parenting books I was reading which was foolish of me.

I am just so tired.

@ISaySteadyOn we can always wonder what we should have done better but you can never really be sure of cause and effect. I was quite a strict parent of pretty compliant children and I equally wonder whether that contributed to the breakdown.

Sounds like school is being decent. Presumably DS is not up for proactively going to homework club to get it out of the way? It's great that school offers this, but I'm sure not everyone feels able to do it straight after a full day at school.

No, he isn't. The irony being that he isn't because when he goes he is an extremely active participant in many other after school clubs.