EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

Oh no! I am sorry. That's absolutely rubbish; lack of warning is so unhelpful.

I don't have any useful advice but lots of sympathy here.

I'm so sorry to read your post @Leafywool. It seems very sketchily run considering the effect sudden change has on the very kids who attend the setting. How is DD? Has any of her peers contacted her? How are you all today.💐

Finally checking out! (Was on earlier thread, early on) Finished school. (Almost) Shockingly, kiddo is off to uni. (Given he lost a day a week at least of education for a couple of years and wouldn't do homework for most of his school career)

It's exhausting. Didn't think I would survive it.

@ISaySteadyOn please take this as kindly as it is meant. I think DS's teacher is being unfair to you both there. If only DS could let himself access everything that is on offer he wouldn't need it in the first place. No matter how supportive or helpful teacher is trying to be expectations like that are of no use whatsoever. In fact quite the opposite. It's also putting pressure on you to think it's DS's fault.
I know anyone if us has a right to think why us or why my child but it's just how it it goes.
I would also be feeling that an attitude like that teachers is particularly unhelpful because it's saying we are ticking all our boxes here and it's DS who is not playing ball. No concept of why not. He's like a wolf in sheep's clothing.with his kindness.
I know it would be so much better if our kids could just get on with it. We all know that. Next time he might be more use slapping you round the face with a wet fish.
Sending love and solidarity.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I am so sorry to read your posts. I can't believe that your poor DS has been held in Reception for all that time.
No way will it be any good for him to be kept there once again in September.
Hopefully as @Piony said there may be a chance of the offer of a specialist place being offered by the end of July.
I am not sure of any legal route but if you have the funds ( or should be legal aid because it's for your son?) I would be speaking to a solicitor about your situation. Even if it's just a quick question it can't possibly be ok not to move him up. They aren't educating him they are ticking attendance boxes as you say.

That is fantastic news @BlackeyedSusan. And great for everyone on here too. May the good times roll! Thankyou for sharing.

I expect it's been an extra tricky week for a lot our children and young people, with the heat & school closures.

@ISaySteadyOn the rollercoaster continues. Poor DS and you. Perhaps this teacher's idea of support is not what DS actually need to keep him in the room. We had some awful experiences with teachers who professed to be knowledgeable about additional needs and some great ones with less experienced staff who listened to and connected with him. Does next year bring a new teacher? that can be a good thing.

@Leafywool oh no. 20/20 hindsight 'n' all but I guess changing classes at end of year is so normal in so many schools. Might it help DD to try to think of it not as a new, late dropping change but actually a normal thing woven into "business as usual". Many schools rearrange classes every year - at our 3 form entry it was done every year without fail - so why not this one? Frame it that you'd just not thought about it happening because you'd been focussed on transition, but actually on reflection why wouldn't they do just the same as happens at her school or her friend s school? Sometimes finding a known and understood framework around a surprise can make it make sense, switch the anxiety off or at least squash it into a small enough pigeonhole that you can move forward. That said it seems really poor planning when she has been there less than a term, and when they know she is so anxious.

@BlackeyedSusan congratulations on your collective graduation from the club! Well done to you and to DS and best wishes for his time at uni. Exciting stuff. Thanks so much for updating x

I really appreciate all the support and take everything you say as such. But I think I might have given you the wrong impression about DS' teachers. Thing is they all really like him. They think he is great and the frustration is not with him as such, it's that they all really really want to help him and don't quite know how. So it's more with themselves than him or me. His school is really pretty caring enough to tell them to not bother with ties and blazers this week and that they could wear pe kit if they felt like it.

DD's school tried to keep going and then shut at lunch on Wednesday. So DD and new friend went for bubble tea and then I took her home.

Nearly to summer holidays and I can relax.

Thanks @ISaySteadyOn . It's the general sense of loss we all feel when the lives we hoped they would live, that are really quite ordinary, just don't go that way. It is sad. Onward and upwards always.💐

Sorry @ISaySteadyOn that I got the wrong end of the stick. I am probably too inclined to interpret other people's experiences as aligning to ours. DS's teachers always really liked him too, he was super compliant, but we had a lot of "if he could just use his red card" and putting him in top set even when he was saying he didn't understand the work. What you said about him being a perfectionist and not accepting help chimed a lot with our experience. My apologies.

No apologies necessary. I was just telling DH how nice it is to be on a thread like this with such supportive people.

I do know the sort of teacher you mean though. DD2 had a couple like that at her old school.

They all have varying accommodations only a few of which they feel ok to use. I completely get that one.

We are really lucky with DS' school because they really care. He's not a tick box to them. And he has a club that he loves so much he will never miss that day.

For appeals to SENDIST, the appeal is brought in the parent’s name, so legal aid is only possible if the parent is eligible for legal aid. Appeals aren’t like JR proceedings, where JR proceedings themselves (rather than a pre-action letter) are in the child’s name so DC can be eligible for legal aid in their own right.

Thankyou @2x4greenbrick.

Thank you @ISaySteadyOn@Piony@Luddite26 - she’s still not been in. The change is ‘official’ from today and we’ve had no contact from the school at all. I did email to ask if her teachers would remain the same (she’s only doing maths and English at the moment but they only offer core subjects anyway so don’t have loads of teachers) but got no reply. She’s not been for 2 solid weeks now and it’s unlikely she will go this week either. I am worried as school ends in 3 weeks and if she doesn’t go at all it’s going to make things even worse after the summer holidays.

It does sound stupid but change of class honestly wasn’t on my radar at all despite it being the end of year. But I’d probably have assumed it wouldn’t be such a sudden change with no warning at all. At all the secondaries around here you just move up the years with your existing group so I naively expected the same to happen here too.

I am just so frustrated and exhausted with it all. I can see poor dd is struggling again as she seems constantly anxious and upset, and we had made such good progress over the past couple of months ☹️

It's funny, isn't it? You constantly get told that children need boundaries and routine so you do your best to follow that. And you find that actually yes, routine is really helpful and your DC start to relax because they know what to expect. And then schools go 'Ha, eff you, we are changing the routine right now today so suck it up!' So you are back at square one.

It isn't quite the same but DD's school closed due to the heat last week which meant disruption to the routine so now I am struggling to get her in today. I empathise.

@Leafywool I wasn't saying you were stupid at all! Just that giving it a bigger framework might help her process it, might help it feels like less of a threat. I wouldn't have seen it coming in a tiny school either.

Heartbreaking when so much energy has gone in by her, you, and school. The phrase "psychologically safe" comes back to me over and over. How to make school feel psychologically safe.

@ISaySteadyOn 100% on the routine. Closure for the heatwave was no one's fault but we pile energy into making things as smooth as possible most of the time , so they have the headroom to cope with inevitable unavoidable changes. It's so frustrating @Leafywool when there are avoidable changes that use up resources DD does not have to spare. How are you managing with your new job?

@Leafywool if the current s19 provision isn’t suitable for DD, and if she can’t attend it isn’t, go back to the LA.

I don't think it sounds stupid it wouldn't be under your radar quite yet. They could have mentioned it sooner.
If I was in your shoes @Leafywool I would sit DD down and be frank asking if she thinks she's just going to try before the holidays because she will feel worse if she doesn't and it might be ok.
It might not.
The other thought is to tell her she doesn't have to go and let school or the LA come back to you with whatever they gave to say. But it would maybe take the pressure off.
I know how hard it is going through this groundhog day life but it's just a thought to take the demand away. Once she thinks she's not going she may decide she wants to. Or she may stop feeling so anxious.
If she's not going I would gently suggest she reads some books/sets herself a book challenge/ poetry and writes some book reviews or do some sort of crafting that she might be interested in doing maybe a bath bomb kit or card making?💐

Thanks all, I really appreciate the responses. Also @Pionynot at all!! It was me calling myself stupid really for not considering it. I am kicking myself for not thinking about it and preparing dd sooner that it might happen.

Job is going ok, I did have a period a couple of weeks ago where I was so burnt out and felt unwell but I seem to have pushed through and feel ok now. I am thankful that DH is wfh all week otherwise I don’t know how we would manage. I always think about those who are working full time outside of the house and wonder how on earth they manage it all! It must be so so tough. I’ve seen a few on one of the EBSA groups on fb who have said they’ve had to give up work.

@Luddite26 I had this exact conversation with her last night saying I was worried about her not going in at all before school ends and how it will make things harder down the line. She is super switched on and recognises herself that the more she goes and gets into that routine, the easier it is for her. But unfortunately that’s not enough for her to overcome her anxiety. She started 1-1 therapy through Youth in Mind a few weeks ago and the therapist said she had another girl last year who had a similar experience at MNHES and she’d hoped they had improved their communication since then.

But you’re right, it’s really hard to know what to do for the best. I am more than happy to fully take the pressure off but we saw such an improvement in her overall mood having some structure to her week and getting out of the house for a few hours. She’s not willing to engage in any sort of clubs or social groups beyond her autism group on a Friday evening, otherwise I’d be looking for something else for her to ‘do.’ I’ll definitely suggest some activities to do at home but she’s usually not very receptive to it unless she’s in the mood (which isn’t very often). But it’s very easy for her to get stuck in a loop of not leaving her room and being on her iPad all day. We are trying to get her investigated for possible hypermobility and PoTS too so she’s got a bit of health stuff to contend with too, which is making it more difficult to get her out and about.

Sorry that was super long. Really appreciate everyone giving advice 🙏🏻

@Leafywool I hope I didn't come across like I was trying to teach you to suck eggs. I'm glad somebody has said they have experienced same lack of communication at least you feel less isolated.
Hopefully DD may just feel like going. It's so hard with little support.
There is a website called IXL which is pretty self directed maths and English DD might be happy pootling about on something like that just to keep her hand in?

PS not that I'm saying DD has to be doing anything at home but I have found that it can be more positive for mh if they feel they have some structure and self directed learning is good for post 16.
I think on this thread we just wish we all had magic wands don't we.

Thank you @Luddite26 all suggestions greatly appreciated!! I’ve not heard of IXL before so will definitely check that out. She definitely thrives off some structure and does spiral a bit if she’s not ‘doing’ anything so will keep gently suggesting things and maybe she will agree to something 🙂

My DD set IXL up for the home ed! I think you can have a few accounts multiple ages. I found it a good thing to put them on when you had something to do. I know you have said DD is really bright so it could suit her. And maybe a bit of reasonably priced practice in case the future is online learning.

How is this week going for everyone?
July at last!❤️

DD last day at her new school. It's a short one and she wants to come home on her own so she can hang out with her friend for longer. I said yes, go ahead.