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EBSA support thread 2

324 replies

Luddite26 · 20/03/2025 06:28

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

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ISaySteadyOn · 06/03/2026 07:31

Yes, I was going to ask that. It sounds like a really difficult situation and I agree that it wouldn't be handled much better if he were in school.

DD went through something similar but she's come out the other side and found that she does ok with a few very good friends that she now knows she can count on. Maybe it will be similar for your DS.

LittlePickleHead · 06/03/2026 08:36

This boy has isolated another boy but he’s now the one he’s pulling away into the secret clique so it’s complicated, I think a lot of the boys are scared of being the next target.

i have told him to step back and ignore him, we’ve arranged for a friend that doesn’t game to come over to our house tomorrow so DS feels a bit better now, he was also talking about joining a server to find other people to game with so he seems a bit more positive. I know we won’t have a huge amount of control over arranging meet ups for him for long, but I think all we can do is keep encouraging it for the moment.

the hardest thing about all of this is the emotional toll it takes - it’s breaking my heart when DS tells me he’s the saddest he’s ever been and I can’t help 😞

Piony · 06/03/2026 10:52

@LittlePickleHead it's so hard to know how to help on this kind of thing. It doesn't help that online genZ relations are a different world to mine and they play by different rules.

Thinking back to friendship group implosions for DD they often came down to one person either saying something someone else found unacceptable, or it being alleged that they did. They don't always get told what it is they allegedly did which makes it very hard to defend. Hopefully he can re-establish links with some of the group, if not straight away. It sounds like you are doing everything you can.

Luddite26 · 06/03/2026 17:44

It's really awful @LittlePickleHead to see our kids going through friendship problems I think on top of the EBSA we feel isolated by it too. I think it's positive for your DS to be pleased about a different friend coming round rather than wanting to shut himself
away in his room and not interact.. I hope you can feel less alone and a little supported from this thread. It's a cruel learning curve really. as some adults can carry on this behaviour in to the workplace.
Hope things improve over the weekend.x

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Luddite26 · 11/03/2026 13:55

Hi @LittlePickleHead how are you doing? How are things with your DS?

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Luddite26 · 11/03/2026 14:09

Hi @Leafywool how are you doing? Has there been any progress for DD's start?

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LittlePickleHead · 11/03/2026 14:49

Luddite26 · 11/03/2026 13:55

Hi @LittlePickleHead how are you doing? How are things with your DS?

Thanks for checking in. He seems a bit happier, had a friend round to paint figures and have pizza on Saturday and that seems to have got him back into d&d figure painting more generally so he’s not been online so much which has meant LS hasn’t been horrible to him!

our EOTAS package request is going to panel at the end of the month so keeping fingers crossed it’s approved and he can get a bit more going on in his days

Luddite26 · 11/03/2026 16:38

Thanks @LittlePickleHead that's good to hear. Small wins. My youngest DD used to do paper crafting I think she still does but it helped in her darkest times. Not too much pressure to it. I really hope DS can keep out of LS's way. Fingers crossed for a smooth run to the end of the month.x

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ISaySteadyOn · 14/03/2026 18:49

Massive setback here. DS was doing really well then had a meltdown in school and now I am back at square one. I have to write and call schools so often and bend over backwards and apologise and be flexible and ask for meetings so I can prove I am a parent who gives a shit. But I have to do it without being irritating to them either. I am so close to just giving up and trying to find money for private tutors and taking school out of the equation entirely.

Leafywool · 14/03/2026 20:33

Luddite26 · 11/03/2026 14:09

Hi @Leafywool how are you doing? Has there been any progress for DD's start?

Thank you for asking. Just after the last time I posted I discovered dd had been self harming, which was such a shock as we honestly thought she was getting better. But she was obviously just coping with things in a different way. I don’t think she’s done it again since we found out a couple of weeks ago. She’s generally ‘ok’ and has been a bit up and down but more up than down. I have a call with a local service who the GP referred us to on Monday and I think they offer different types of therapy so will hopefully be helpful for us.

We got to visit MNHES yesterday and it was really positive. The staff are so lovely. It’s very small and calm. There were a couple of lessons going on when we were being shown round and one had 5 kids and the other had 3 so very small groups. She’s able to wear her own clothes and they call the teachers by first name so it’s a bit less formal which is nice. They start at 9.30 and have 20 minutes where they play some games to settle in then the classes are an hour with 10 minute break in between. They go on walks around the park and do forest school, and have sessions where they do baking and crafts etc.

She’s going to visit again next week to do an assessment so they can see what level she’s at academically then do some settling in sessions before Easter break. They are keen to get her started before half term otherwise it’s a really long wait for her and might cause some anxiety.

From the sound of it I think they are more used to having children who are behind academically - wether that’s down to being out of school for so long or due to learning disabilities - and they were talking about putting the Y7 children with their KS2 primary school age group but they think dd would be better off with the older children which I agree with as she’s very mature for her age. She did so well in her SATS and was in the top set for everything at secondary and she’s so keen to learn so I’m hoping the actual work will be a breeze and very positive for her.

We’re going to ease her in gently and start with core subjects then slowly build up the amount of time she’s spending there. Currently the ‘goal’ of her current school is to have her back, but I honestly can’t imagine her going back to full time mainstream school.

I got notification that her EHCP application had been rejected, but school SENDCO called me and said the comments they made seemed odd and she realised some of the information she had submitted hadn’t gone through on the portal, so she’s spoken to them and they are sending it back to panel with the missing information to be reviewed again in 2 weeks time. I am fully expecting it to be rejected again because that’s the way it goes, but we will see.

Sorry that was long! But generally positive here at the moment.

2x4greenbrick · 15/03/2026 12:19

@Leafywool I’m sorry the LA has refused. I would appeal. If the LA changes their mind at a later date, they can concede the appeal, but putting the wheels in motion now means you don’t lose time.

Luddite26 · 15/03/2026 12:48

@ISaySteadyOn how are you today? How is DS after his meltdown has he come back round has he had chance to rest it out. Has he mentioned going to school.
I think you should not worry about whether you are perceived as 'that' parent. You are trying to advocate for your children where there is no help.
My DD and I still laugh when her high school tutor said to her Why don't you get your mum to write one of her notes!
We laugh about it but it is rubbish at the time.

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Luddite26 · 15/03/2026 12:55

@Leafywool I'm sorry to hear about DDS not coping strategy. It is always the fear that you don't want to think is going to happen.
I hope she can get some support for it. PM me any time if you feel like it.
Hopefully DD will feel better when she joins the MNHES unit the sooner the better. I hope.
Sorry to hear about the EHCP errors. Quite sickening. Fingers crossed for the review. Very annoying because of someone's error.

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Luddite26 · 15/03/2026 12:56

Happy Mother's Day to all you special mums.

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ISaySteadyOn · 15/03/2026 18:32

@Leafywool the new place for your DD sounds lovely. I really hope it works out.

DS hasn't mentioned school but I have written to his Head of Year and asked for yet another meeting. I realised I have gotten quite good at this which is a positive. DH asked why I had to arrange a meeting as what could they do anyway and I explained to him that it's a preemptive social convention. And who knows? They might have ideas. Also, my resting anxiety face tells a useful story too.
Plus I have come up with some plans on how to manage at home which is also positive. I feel better because I have plans and courses of action.

Luddite26 · 15/03/2026 19:59

@ISaySteadyOn that sounds positive. You are better when you can feel like you have options and a way forward to arm yourself with.. good luck.

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Piony · 15/03/2026 22:07

Happy Mothers' Day to you all.

@Leafywool hospital school sounds like a really good option, I do hope it works out. It's always difficult to pick out what makes the difference but I think losing uniform was a much bigger help than he expected. It wouldn't have been possible while still in school because everyone else wearing it meant adjustments were socially difficult so it was catch 22.

@ISaySteadyOn what a rollercoaster - it is so hard to live on tenterhooks. Sounds like you are all over this but just a reminder about DS's right to a full time education under Sec 19, which kicks as soon as it is clear he will miss 15 days or more. It might help get him something and then you can top up if he can cope with that.

It's so frustrating when all their energy gets wasted just going in the door and they have nothing left over to learn with.

@LittlePickleHead best of luck for your EOTAS application.

@Luddite26 love the sound of your notes. I don't know if you've experienced this but I think sometimes we get perceived as wet and ineffective parents by people who "just don't give their children a choice", but the reality is so much more complex.

ISaySteadyOn · 16/03/2026 06:20

@Piony actually, that's the one thing I am not worried about. His school have been absolutely wonderful. They are very supportive. If I can be forgiven a bit of motherly boasting, it probably helps that when he is in, he's quite academic and well behaved. He even won an award in the autumn term. So I think they want him there.

It's just, I think he masks so hard when he is there so I don't know.

Piony · 16/03/2026 08:30

Sorry @ISaySteadyOn that is not what I mean. You mentioned being on the point of giving up and stretching to fund home tutors. If you get to that point, and he is actually out of school, you can invoke Sec19 to pay for and provide some of that tutoring. I was just thinking that might make help financially rather than you having. to pay for it all.

Fingers crossed everyone for a good week.

ISaySteadyOn · 16/03/2026 08:35

Oh! I completely misunderstood. Thank you, that's really helpful information. This is such a supportive thread.

Piony · 16/03/2026 09:43

Reading it back I think I garbled it in trying to cut it down. Never mind, we got there in the end. You don't need to wait until he's missed 15 days, you can invoke it as soon as it's clear that he will miss them. Sometimes it is organised by school though the responsibility is with the LA.

RavenLaw · 16/03/2026 11:10

It's so frustrating when all their energy gets wasted just going in the door and they have nothing left over to learn with.

That's the best way I've ever seen it put.

2x4greenbrick · 16/03/2026 14:38

@ISaySteadyOn it is also worth remembering that the 15 days don’t need to be consecutive. Provision should be arranged once it becomes clear 15 days will be missed and the provision should begin by the sixth day of absence.

ISaySteadyOn · 16/03/2026 14:39

Thanks, that's helpful 🙂.

Luddite26 · 16/03/2026 20:17

@piony I have come across staff making parents feel wet or ineffective but not recently and I was put in the category of a more dominant problem parent. I was a parent/community governor for quite a few years to advocate for kids whose parents didn't. I was always a parent who helped listen to readers or help with trips to the library so I liked to see how staff dynamics were etc.
With my eldest dad I got treated quite shabbily and so did she in nursery and early years because I was a teen mum. Looking back I can see it so clearly now so I would always try and be a bridge for very young mums trying to navigate being a parent. But young mums seem quite rare at school now or since I was last there 2 years ago
I think I was definitely a 'helicopter parent'.

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