EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

I hope everyone is ok and if anything has happened today it's positive.

New to this thread and taking comfort that I’m not alone. DS (15) was diagnosed with AuDHD last year whilst in year 10. School attendance had never been an issue but the wheels have totally come off in year 11, particularly in the last few weeks where his attendance has dropped off a cliff due to the increasing GCSE pressure. I don’t believe he will go back in this term. He’s dropped 2 GCSEs since year 10 and is still absolutely adamant he’s doing all 8 in the summer. He did mocks in January and got some pretty good grades despite really struggling to motivate himself over the Xmas break to revise. However, it’s left him burned out. He’s really musical (2 grade 8 distinctions) but all that has had to be canned too, including lessons with longstanding teachers. It’s honestly heartbreaking and he’s not open to the idea of support which makes it even more challenging. He’s set on staying at his current school for sixth form to do A-levels which may not be realistic. He’s not willing to consider a contingency plan. The school are trying their best but we’re now left rudderless in the lead up to the Easter holidays. Please send help. And wine!

Welcome! I have not been on the thread for long but it is very supportive and makes me feel less alone too.

DD is only Y8 but objects to support as well. I think they see it as shameful somehow. That's my guess anyway. So you are not alone there either.

@Luddite26 I didn't mean to cast any aspersions at all - I was just thinking how other parents can be so much of the "I just make them go so they go" mentality. But definitely I agree how school staff see us affects their decisions and ultimately the outcome for our children.

@amr78 we had similar adamant thinking around sixth form last year. It is so difficult for this age group to be flexible in their thinking vat all and you pile autism into that and it becomes doubly difficult. From an EHCP perspective there is a strong steer for sixth form on what they want to do. It's very difficult to make a 17 year old do something as big as an A level or turning up to college every day without their buy in. But colleges are 16-19 not 16-18 and if Y12 goes horribly wrong they usually have the option to start over age 17 and spend 2 years doing a new set. In theory anyway!

@amr78 is DS on ADHD medication?

If DS wants to sit exams but is struggling with attending school, would he sit them at home if the school could facilitate that? With other exam access arrangements such as rest breaks?

I would keep trying to get him to drop at least another GCSE or 2/3 to only focus on what is required for next steps.

@2x4greenbrick he does have access arrangements in place - 25% extra time and use of a laptop. He has also been offered a smaller room by school to sit his exams but has declined this. We’ve also discussed with him about the number of exams in June but he’s adamant that he’s going to do all of them and that attending school in the summer term won’t be a problem. DH and I not so sure…. I think he’s stuck in a spiral of avoidance out of a sense of worrying he’s letting people down. His friends are unaware of his diagnosis so he’s been getting messages from them asking why he isn’t in school which is fuelling his anxiety. He’s having weekly online sessions with a neurodivergence coach so we’re hoping that this will help give him some strategies to move forward - we’ve been trying to get these sessions in place for a while but he’s been very resistant to the idea. He’s on Atomoxetine which he only started a couple of weeks ago and will take a few weeks until any benefits are seen - methylphenidate wasn’t really doing much and there was a thought that it might be making his autistic traits worse.

@amr78 does DS also have rest breaks?

If DS isn’t managing to attend school, I would speak to the school about the possibility of DS sitting exams at home. Just in case he doesn’t manage to attend next term but still wants to sit the exams. The more time the school has to prepare, the more likely they are able to arrange for DS to sit the exams at home if necessary.

Do you guys ever wish you could worry about normal things like friends who might be a bad influence or grades or something like that?

I was up at 5 this morning because I couldn't sleep. DH is worried about me but I can't stop the spirals. And all 3 of my DC struggle so all I can think sometimes is that I must be a pretty crap mother to have failed at something so basic. But I know that isn't true because they're polite, kind and think about things intensely.

DS and DD in. That's two for the win. I will take it. I wish I understood more about what is so difficult. They get good marks, they behave well and work hard when they are in school. But something about the whole environment makes them incredibly anxious.

@ISaySteadyOn "Do you guys ever wish you could worry about normal things like friends who might be a bad influence or grades or something like that?"

So much. I wish I could have somehow brought up kids who could do stuff like order a takeaway or cook their own dinner. I thought I was all over it, doing all the right things when they were little. It wasn't that I didn't try or care, yet here we are. How are they going to develop the capacity? I honestly don't know.

Nearly the end of term here - only 2 more days to go.

I remember when DD was home ed I said this year we are going to work on finding your initiative and next year we will start learning how to use it! She still thinks I was saying it as a big joke but it wasn't. Just things like jumping out of the car and posting a letter made her feel proud of herself cos she was in such a tizz with school life and stressful emotional state.we just stripped back to the bare bone trying to build back up. But it easily all got knocked down again if she went anywhere near her old school life. It must be a nightmare with social media now.
And I think other parents probably thought we were weirdos I don't really mix with many people now as I felt many were backstabbers at our lowest points. I find it hard to trust other people but I'm not hiding in the house just don't let my guard down with people.

It comes. DD1 is now able to run to the shops to do errands for me and she babysits and tried to build her new bed by herself. She couldn't do that a little under a year ago and now she gets herself to college and back. I have had a good day today so I am sending as much of that positive energy to all of you and your DC as I can.

Just wondering how everyone is doing? Is it the end of the holidays?
If anyone has exams coming up in their household and they aren't going to go how the usual year 11 path goes. Please remember that the child's mental health is more important. There are other chances or other routes through. It may seem like doors are slamming but there are other doors to go through. Sixteen is the beginning not the end.x

Haven't been on for ages but I echo what the OP just posted. My ds should be y12 but college was a disaster and he dropped out after about a month. He's essentially having a gap year getting himself into a better place ready to restart a different college and course in September. For those coming up to GCSE do remember they can be resat at any time..some kids just aren't ready at 16.

Thank you @RhaenysRocks I'm glad your son had the strength and support to know he needed a different route.

Hi @Luddite26 how are you? Dd starts at MNHES tomorrow which she’s very nervous about. She’s worried she won’t make any friends but that has never been a problem for her. I really am keeping everything crossed that it’s a good experience for her.

She’s only doing half days to start off with, so mornings or afternoons. She’s thrilled about Wednesdays as she has no subjects and just has a thing called ‘Horizons’ in the afternoon where they do crafts or baking or play games. Then Friday afternoon she has forest school.

She’s not been in school at all this year and before that it’s only been the odd day since October half term, so it will be an adjustment for her but hopefully good to have some structure back in her days.

@Leafywool I am so glad it has finally come round. It's very daunting startingafter the holidays with it looming over you for so long. I will be thinking about you both tomorrow. I really hope it goes well right from the start you deserve a break. The hardest part was getting the place and it feels like it is meant to be. Good luck.

@Luddite26 I know I am rubbish at replying but I love reading your beautiful, kind posts.

@Leafywool best of luck to your daughter for tomorrow. It sounds like a really good move. @RhaenysRocks I hope your son has a good week doing whatever he has planned, free of college pressures. My Y12 is nervous about going back, but he's calmer than I have seen in years at the start of a term so hopefully it'll be ok.

Good luck to them all.

How is DD @Leafywool ?

Hi @Piony thanks for your kind reply. I hope your son's day went ok too.

I hope it went ok @Leafywool. I think day 2 is often harder to go in for than day1, but it gets easier after that.

DS is OK thank you @Luddite26. Absolutely shattered after yesterday seems ok in himself.

Thanks both. Unfortunately not great last night/this morning.

I got her in fine yesterday and she came out and said it was ‘ok.’ She told me about her first class and all the other children were mute and she was the only one who could speak out loud, and they played Uno and she kept winning because she was the only person who would say Uno. Which she found quite funny and wondered why the teacher didn’t make adjustments so everyone could win! So I thought it sounded positive since she had told me that funny little anecdote.

But then throughout the afternoon she was winding herself up about the whole thing and the fact she doesn’t know anyone. She found it hard because I think she was expecting a bit more guidance since she’s new but they basically left her to it, and she said after break no one told her where to go so she was late for her English lesson and I know that would have really panicked her. When we were shown round they said they are collected and taken to each class, and I’d have thought on the first day at least someone would be checking up on her but hey ho.

Last night she had a huge meltdown and I couldn’t calm her for at least an hour and a half. We’ve not had this since the start of the year so I am absolutely gutted as she was doing so well. She’s been crying so much this morning that she can’t even get ready to go in. She knows we need to give it a go and give it time, and she genuinely is trying. She feels really guilty and mad at herself for getting upset.

I am really worried as I am starting a new job at the end of the month where I’ll be in the office 3 days then 2 days wfh, and was glad I’d have a couple of weeks to settle her in. If this continues I don’t know if I’ll have to withdraw from the job. I feel like it’s all just a mess and I was so hopeful about it all.

Easter holidays seem to have flown by and am feeling rather stressed about the prospects of the summer term. DS(15) has AuDHD (on Atomoxetine) and has GCSEs in a few weeks. No EBSA until year 11 - the end of the spring term was particularly challenging and his attendance dropped off a cliff. He’s managed to get short bursts of revision done on most days and has been having sessions with a neurodivergence coach, although implementing his suggestions is another matter. Mornings are a nightmare - he requires a lot of scaffolding to get him out of bed. This wouldn’t be sustainable if DH didn’t work from home. We now have signficant worries about whether DS will go back into school next week - he has only 2 weeks left in school before exam leave starts. We have no back up plan in terms of tutors to support learning in his weaker subjects (science and maths) and if he can’t make it into school, then making it in for the exams will be an even bigger ordeal. He’s set on staying at his present school to do A-levels (they don’t offer any other options) - again, no contingency plan in place because DS won’t entertain the idea of a plan B. The whole situation feels very precarious and like we’re constantly living on tenterhooks. Things also really not great between DH and I because of the unrelenting stress. DS (12) is also neurodivergent and unfortunately bares the brunt of a lot of his brother’s very negative behaviour towards him.

@Leafywool I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you been able to communicate to them why she s finding it so hard? Scaffolding into each class sounds like something they should be able to provide, at least to start with. Especially since they have already said they do it.

Perhaps someone could also go through her timetable with her and show her each room in a break time or something, so she sees them when they are quiet and empty to start with.

@amr78 such a stressful time. I don't know if it helps but we know children who were completely unable to go into school for months before exams and mostly they did manage to get in to sit the exams. DD also has a friend who went to all her lessons but did zero revision outside of that, because he was so exhausted, and he got stellar results. It's not necessarily a disaster if your DS is not able to do it all or even get into school. He doesn't need to go to his lessons to sit and pass his exams.

Think about support for attending exams - soft start into school, maybe going to see a favourite teacher, uniform adaptation, obviously lifts in etc. Once exams start they are into the last 4ish weeks of school and hopefully school will bend over backwards. DS sat his exams in his resourced provision and it was all about reducing demands. Plus a strict regime of chocolate bars after every exam - most important! He could consider dropping some subjects if he has too many exams - a full timetable of 20ish exams is ever so tough. DS only did 8 and I reckon his second Eng Lang exam cost 3 weeks of all of our lives. But it's done, and he no longer has to do English.

I can totally relate to the knife edge and complete inability to engage with any plan B. It's a huge load for everyone. Parenting this stuff you really experience the anxiety with them, your own nervous system gets swamped just like theirs does. A really tough time. I hope you have something nice to look forward to after exams.

@piony thank you so much. We’re hoping over the next few days that we can encourage DS to have a think about how we can support a some sort of a return to school, even if it’s on a reduced timetable. I think his fear stems from none of his friends knowing about his diagnosis so he’s worried he’s going to face the Spanish Inquisition as to his whereabouts at the end of last term. He’s dropped a couple of GCSEs since year 10 so is now doing 8 which he feels is manageable. He has reasonable adjustments for the exams but still has the option of sitting the exams in a smaller room which he has so far declined. We do have some nice plans for the summer so hopefully we can all have a much needed reset. Just feels like a massive mountain to climb before then.