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Original poster

Another Child telling Dd she 'can't' go to school?

147 replies

medianewbie · 19/03/2025 13:38

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

OP posts:
WildCherryBlossom · 19/03/2025 13:49

Oh good grief. This child and her mother sound like nightmares! You have followed the 48 hours rule and been told by the school that she can go back so she can go back! Aaargh! You may need to be blunt with so called friend and mother.

Floranan · 19/03/2025 13:53

I would speak to the mother, and make it clear you have the ok from school to send her.

i would also get my daughter to question her friendship with this girl, she doesn’t need someone so controlling in her life

TraumaQuestions · 19/03/2025 13:55

Why do you describe this young person as a 'nice girl' when they're bullying your child?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
Use8535735 · 19/03/2025 13:59

It's very possible the other girl, or her mum, has emetophobia. Anyone who suffers from it or has a child who gets triggered by potentially catching a sickness bug won't find her message strange in the slightest!

The easiest compromise is just to go to school but don't interact with her friend out of safety. Covid has made it socially acceptable to avoid friends and family if they are concerned of catching something. It's nothing to be taken personally at all and should have zero consequences once you're out of the quarantine window.

Coconutter24 · 19/03/2025 13:59

Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Nice girl… really? Sounds like she is in more control of the mum if anything!! If my DD asked me to send that message I’d tell her no.

Frostynoman · 19/03/2025 14:03

Sending threatening messages and reducing someone to sobs is not nice. It’s controlling and bullying. I’d go straight to the school with it frankly, it needs stamping out and your daughters future needs to be secure and not affected by this sort of coercion.

Goldbar · 19/03/2025 14:23

I would send the following message to the mother:

"Thank you for your and your DD's concern for my DD's health, but in future can you please avoid (and encourage your DD to avoid) expressing it in such an invasive and over-the-top way and instead respect my DD's privacy. I can assure you that we observe the relevant guidelines on illness in this house, but in any case it's none of your or your DD's business and maybe you might consider having a word with her about respecting people's personal space and boundaries to avoid causing unnecessary distress."

GuevarasBeret · 19/03/2025 14:28

Goldbar’s reply is very good, and I would struggle to get the right balance between not polite and very very firm.

maybe let her know that you hold her DD personally responsible for the upset and distress she has caused by her entitled behaviour. And that (emetophobia or not) she rapidly needs to get back into her own lane, and to fucking stay there.

Goldbar · 19/03/2025 14:33

I like that and I'm going to save it for people who annoy me in future @GuevarasBeret 😂.

"Get back in your (optional expletive) lane and stay there".

jackstini · 19/03/2025 14:35

I wonder if she knows about her dd’s messages or not…
I would reply

Well aware of the 48 hour rule thanks, had already had approval from School dd can go in this pm as she has not been sick since Monday

Unfortunately dd has been very upset by a number of messages from ‘xxxx’ and is now going to miss her exam time
i wanted to make you aware of this (& send screen shots)

caveat - is your dd saying what she wants to do/wants you to do?

so sorry - this is really shitty for her

thestudio · 19/03/2025 14:43

Goldbar · 19/03/2025 14:23

I would send the following message to the mother:

"Thank you for your and your DD's concern for my DD's health, but in future can you please avoid (and encourage your DD to avoid) expressing it in such an invasive and over-the-top way and instead respect my DD's privacy. I can assure you that we observe the relevant guidelines on illness in this house, but in any case it's none of your or your DD's business and maybe you might consider having a word with her about respecting people's personal space and boundaries to avoid causing unnecessary distress."

I’d also go with something like this(maybe a bit toned down) and add that dd is now scared to go to class for her timed exam work, which could have a significant impact on her options.

verysmellyjelly · 19/03/2025 15:09

Given that DD is nearly eighteen, I wouldn’t be texting her friend’s mum back. It was inappropriate of the other mum to involve herself in the first place, but that doesn’t excuse OP making things worse. Her DD is on the verge of adulthood.

Original poster
medianewbie · 19/03/2025 15:28

Thanks for replies - it's really helpful to get an outside perspective.
I think she is a nice girl in general but she's got a bit wound up about this and made the wrong call. But it was wrong enough to be semi bullying I think as, not only has she said she'd send my Dd home but apparantly she has chatted to the 'friend group' & passed on another's concerns about my Dd 'infecting' them.
However the friendship matters a great deal to Dd and, at 8 weeks before Exams, I 'm keen to keep things on an even keel for Dd.
But I am also keen for her to prioritise her learning and hard work (her own Self)
I am wanting to help her with the handling of it so she can become more independent (she is ASD enough that she is semi verbal under stress & is socially very young) & use this as a good learning opportunity for the future.
She didn't go in today (she was WAY too stressed to manage to work)
She and I have chatted it through. I have suggested she sends a text to the friend later to say that she will be in tomorrow and expects no discussion of that.
If the friend is anything other than kind I will involve school (& text her Mother)

I didn't expect this at their age, but Dd is a bit 'younger' than her years re ASD.

@Goldbar your message is great thank you. I'll use if neeeded x

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/03/2025 16:07

I would ask the school if she could sit the exam alone or at a social distance PURELY to manage her anxiety.

Afterwards I would read the ffing riot act and insist the school also contact said parent. She and her child are totally out of line.

gamerchick · 19/03/2025 16:13

Goldbar · 19/03/2025 14:23

I would send the following message to the mother:

"Thank you for your and your DD's concern for my DD's health, but in future can you please avoid (and encourage your DD to avoid) expressing it in such an invasive and over-the-top way and instead respect my DD's privacy. I can assure you that we observe the relevant guidelines on illness in this house, but in any case it's none of your or your DD's business and maybe you might consider having a word with her about respecting people's personal space and boundaries to avoid causing unnecessary distress."

I wouldn't be that nice.

Emmz1510 · 19/03/2025 16:14

Well strictly speaking, if I’m following you correctly, if she was sick on Monday afternoon then going in today would not have been following the 48 hour rule? Depending when she was sick on Monday. She should of course be perfectly fine to go in tomorrow.

Im afraid I would be addressing this directly with the mother.
’DD has not been sick since Monday afternoon, she is also feeling a lot better so she will be perfectly fine (and it’s in keeping with the 48hour rule) to go in tomorrow. Could you please ask your DD to not keeping texting my daughter about this? There is no need as DD is well, no longer contagious and also looking forward to the party. Thanks’

Croccup · 19/03/2025 16:15

Oh gosh my dd has emetophobia and this is exactly the sort of thing she would do if left unchecked. In this situation though she would be the one avoiding school.
I think you’re doing the right thing with what you’ve suggested.

BlossomOfOrange · 19/03/2025 16:19

I feel for you and your dd, I have a family member who would consider this completely fine behaviour, we are lc.

To keep the relationships on an even keel, perhaps message the mum with a brief message like ‘yes, school policy followed, thanks for checking in, dd will see you Friday as planned’. Equivalent msg from your dd to her overstepping friend.

And as a previous poster suggested, a separate room for exams.

itsgettingweird · 19/03/2025 16:20

TraumaQuestions · 19/03/2025 13:55

Why do you describe this young person as a 'nice girl' when they're bullying your child?

This.

your DD was ok for 48 hours.

and the mother is encouraging the bullying by doing her DDs bidding (unless her friend text it pretending to be her mum?)

Viviennemary · 19/03/2025 16:23

This girl sounds like a self centred bully and her Mum just as bad. You've followed the guide lines and it's none of their business anyway.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/03/2025 16:23

These are not nice people

BexAubs20 · 19/03/2025 16:26

Goldbar · 19/03/2025 14:23

I would send the following message to the mother:

"Thank you for your and your DD's concern for my DD's health, but in future can you please avoid (and encourage your DD to avoid) expressing it in such an invasive and over-the-top way and instead respect my DD's privacy. I can assure you that we observe the relevant guidelines on illness in this house, but in any case it's none of your or your DD's business and maybe you might consider having a word with her about respecting people's personal space and boundaries to avoid causing unnecessary distress."

Yes yes yes!!

loulouljh · 19/03/2025 16:27

Shes 18! Leave her to deal.

5128gap · 19/03/2025 16:37

Clearly both your DD and her friend have anxiety issues. Her friend is overly anxious about the risk to her party, as a 'normal' reaction would be to accept she couldn't control your DDs return. Your DD is clearly overly anxious about her friends opinions, as a 'normal' reaction would be to tell her friend she wasn't in charge of when she attended school. Both girls sound like they struggle and in all honesty probably aren't the most helpful friend for each other because of that. If it were me I'd be encouraging some distance.

Arcticrival · 19/03/2025 16:50

I opened this post thinking it was about primary school children.

These aren't children. They are 18/on the verge of 18. you refer to the other girl as a 'child' Do you think of your DD as a little girl too. My DS is 15 and I would never get involved with his friendships. Part of growing up is learning how to relate and deal with people. Of course, your dd has additional needs , but she's at a mainstream school and doing A levels so obviously pretty bright. Will be good for her to learn how to do this stuff on her own maybe