Another Child telling Dd she 'can't' go to school?

[medianewbie]

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

There’s always one.

if this child is afflicted, then it’s up to her to steer clear of the OP’s DD, not to send threatening messages which leave the DD, who hasn’t done any wrong, to be in such a state of upset.

Sounds like the little cow is more concerned about her precious party. She and the mother are both bitches and I would be steering your DD away from this friendship.

Hmm. In your opening post you said:

“Not been sick since Monday afternoon”

Now someone’s pointed out that wouldn’t be 48hrs if she went in today, and suddenly you say it was Monday morning she was sick…

Ignoring the OTT texts from your DD’s friend, this is part of the problem. So many people don’t follow the 48hr rule properly so illness spreads and people become paranoid - like your DD’s friend (and mum).

The friend’s reaction in not wanting DD to come in until the full 48hrs is past is fine and normal. The barrage of texts and the tone of those texts is the problem. But, having said that, would you not be paranoid? Let’s say you’re about to fly off on hen do holiday with a group of friends, and a friend who’s been sick wants to meet you all for a coffee a couple of days before. You suspect she might still be infectious and you worry about catching the bug yourself and also your friends catching it too. That would ruin your planned ‘hen’ holiday if lots of you got sick, wouldn’t it? You’re an adult so you wouldn’t send such bossy texts, I’m sure, but I can kind of see where this girl is coming from.

So, I’d make sure DD stayed off school the appropriate length of time; give the friend advance notice DD will be returning to school and say DD understands if they would prefer not to get too close to her for the first day or two. I would also call the girl out on the way she approached this and her language, and point out that it upset DD.

Given your DD’s age, getting school involved is a total overreaction. I agree with those who are saying you need to step back. It doesn’t matter if socially she is around 13/14, she is still old enough to manage her own social connections. Your involvement is excessive, OP. I know how hard it can be for autistic teen girls because I was one! But she has to learn. Your stepping in like this and trying to solve the problem for her is modelling an unrealistic approach.

I’m not defending the other girl’s mum as she should never have given in to her DD’s pressure to message you. That was totally wrong. But you can only control your own actions and do what is best for your own DD. It shouldn’t be tit for tat where the other girl’s mother’s bad behaviour is used to justify overstepping on your part.

@Never2many It’s completely inappropriate to use misogynistic slurs just because you disagree with them. Even when the mother was in the wrong.

Except a 13 year old partially verbal child being bullied by an NT 18 year old is a very different matter.

the 18 year old is clearly taking advantage of her disability by behaving like that.

I would definitely get the school involved as well.

Dd3 is ND and 17 ( year 12) and is very concerned about getting ill and people being ill, probably as a result of covid. I would be horrified though if she was sending messages like that to anyone.

@Never2many There’s no evidence the other girl is taking advantage of her disability. For all you know, the other girl may have a disability too (for example, her anxiety). Not all bad behaviour is malicious in such a conscious and considered way. Plus, OP’s DD isn’t a thirteen year old. She is an almost eighteen year old despite her social immaturity.

Friend is being a BirthdayZilla. Make sure your DD really emphasises the fact that school said it was ok to go in today so definitely fine tomorrow.

Given that OP’s Dd is autistic and semi-verbal, and that autistic girls are usually 4-5 years ‘younger’ emotionally than their actual age, app is handing this very appropriately.

I suppose it's not been 48hrs if she last threw up Monday afternoon and you sent her to school this morning. Unfortunately this is exactly how D&V bugs spread and it's really unpleasant to share that with her school friends.

It isn't this mums business to say it, it's the schools and it's very strange they agreed to have a child in before 48hrs has passed. My kids school would say no..but I've know plenty of parents to lie about the last episode as they need the child in so they can go to work

I think the posters criticising the OP should walk in her shoes first.

48 hour rules also often only apply to the younger years (preschool, reception, KS1) in a lot of schools.

The other mum was really out of line here.

Op your dd needs to find some new friends when this is over. I would be encouraging a whole host of new friendships as this group are overstepping, bullying and controlling her. This will lead to bigger problems as they get older.
She might be encouraged to drink, smoke, take drugs etc and unless she is assertive enough to say no - and it doesn’t sound like she is currently - then you have some difficult years coming down the track.

The fact this not so nice girl felt she could even send reams of directions and threats to your dd speaks volumes.

I have seen this all too often in the years we have had teens. The autistic girls are so grateful for friends often, and they are often easily manipulated. I really feel for you. Dd should seek out some genuinely nicer girls op but do so very discreetly.

@RampantIvy People who have been there as an autistic 17 / 18 year old struggling socially are entitled to share an opinion. Having your mother involved absolutely will not help and if anything may make it harder for the DD. Just because the other girl did this, doesn’t make it a good idea! Look at all the stress one mother’s intervention caused…

encourage DD to step back from this friendship. This was not kind behaviour and you can see where she gets it from

I think helping her DD to get over the hurdle of an important test at school was the right thing to do, but I agree that she needs to learn how to negotiate things like this.

That was my thought. I’m emetophobic and unfortunately, I would have done this if it meant avoiding getting sick. We’re not proud of it but avoiding sickness at all costs matters more than anything.

Because norovirus doesn’t spread once you’re over 18?

This nasty piece of work and her mother need to get back in their box.
Your almost adult daughter’s health is none of their business.

Just to be clear Dd didn't go into school today. She was well, School were happy about it (yes, 'on' the 48 hour deadline) but much too upset by friend.
Dd decided to send a text to the friend who replied: 'yea! glad you're ok and MY PARTY will be ok now'. Dd said she is thinking whether she still wants to go.
I have told her that she needs to concentrate on her studies. However,I am pleased that she has talked to me about it and that she is thinking about what behaviour towards her is acceptable to her and what she might want to challenge. Of course I'm here to discuss / support her in that. She is semi verbal, and carries a comfort toy to even be able to go into school. Last year she had paint thrown at her so she is 'grateful' for friends. This girl is normally nice but has clearly had a Party-zilla episode and her Mum is also nice but seemingly happy to get involved in texts to other Mums advising on 'health rules/absence policies which is pretty inappropriate when they're nearly 18 & School is happy.

Really? Would you have been that rude?

No, because older children should know how to wash their hands properly