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Original poster

Another Child telling Dd she 'can't' go to school?

147 replies

medianewbie · 19/03/2025 13:38

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

OP posts:
kellygoeswest · 19/03/2025 16:52

loulouljh · 19/03/2025 16:27

Shes 18! Leave her to deal.

I have to say... I had to go back and reread the post. The girls involved are 18, but the title (and meddling mothers) suggested to me they were at primary school or something!

Original poster
medianewbie · 19/03/2025 16:58

Emmz1510 · 19/03/2025 16:14

Well strictly speaking, if I’m following you correctly, if she was sick on Monday afternoon then going in today would not have been following the 48 hour rule? Depending when she was sick on Monday. She should of course be perfectly fine to go in tomorrow.

Im afraid I would be addressing this directly with the mother.
’DD has not been sick since Monday afternoon, she is also feeling a lot better so she will be perfectly fine (and it’s in keeping with the 48hour rule) to go in tomorrow. Could you please ask your DD to not keeping texting my daughter about this? There is no need as DD is well, no longer contagious and also looking forward to the party. Thanks’

Yes sick Mon am. That's why I called School to check as aware this afternoon only just observing the 48 hours. I also said to Dd she should sleep in, have a shower and a hot breakfast and then we would see how she felt (re tiredness) and then make the decision (that's when she started to cry) I'm going to sit with her to send the text (so I can be sure it's nice and clear but she gets a sense of ownership over it). Then we will see. I don't want her being blamed if anyone else gets sick (apparantly school said about 20% of them are off atm, kids and staff) or banned from Party. Equally I want to model her standing up for herself.
I'd say she's only around 13-14 socially? so she needs a bit of scaffolding.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 19/03/2025 16:59

Leave them to it. If they are able to text each other themselves, they do not need their mothers arranging things. This is madness.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education
RampantIvy · 19/03/2025 16:59

loulouljh · 19/03/2025 16:27

Shes 18! Leave her to deal.

Not all 18 year olds are emotionally mature, and the OP's DD is particularly vulnerable. If you had bothered to read the OP's updates you would have realised this and not posted such an unhelpful response Hmm

Original poster
medianewbie · 19/03/2025 16:59

kellygoeswest · 19/03/2025 16:52

I have to say... I had to go back and reread the post. The girls involved are 18, but the title (and meddling mothers) suggested to me they were at primary school or something!

Show quote history

Yes, it sounds a bit absurd I agree but Dd is autistic and semi-verbal.

OP posts:
AtIusvue · 19/03/2025 17:00

Do not waste any time on the mother or the friend right now.

Focus solely on getting your daughter’s energy levels back, revise anything she needs for the two hour assessment. There’s to be not contact with the friend until AFTER she has completed the class.

Once that’s over, you contact the friends mother and explain that her actions were not only inappropriate, they also set off a chain of events that you’ve had to try your best and manage before your daughter sits an important assessment. You then explain that her daughter has crossed the line in the way she has behaved towards your daughter. You explain that her daughters behaviour was coercive and controlling. That the behaviour had a direct and negative impact on your daughter’s schooling; therefore, this is a school matter. Set out that you will be informing the school of the challenges your daughter has had to deal with re the friend /mother and how that should be taken into consideration for her assessment. Tell her your daughter will not be attending any party.

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2025 17:01

I'd say she's only around 13-14 socially? so she needs a bit of scaffolding

I still wouldn't be getting involved with someone who's asking your 18 year old to observe the 48 hiur sickness rule.

This is for toddlers.

13 and 14 year olds arrange their own meets ups.

Cerealkiller9000 · 19/03/2025 17:02

medianewbie · 19/03/2025 13:38

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

Holy shit. I would get the school involved. I think that’s horrific!

RampantIvy · 19/03/2025 17:08

I agree that the school should be informed, not the mother. If you engage with her it could escalate.

@Notimeforaname The OP's DD is autistic.She absolutely does need a little extra support. Are you always lacking in empathy?

Blueblell · 19/03/2025 17:12

It sounds like the friend has some anxiety issues and is scared her party will be ruined by lots of sick cancellations. However what her mum has done by texting you is quite outrageous. If the friendship is important I would not fallout over it but I would talk to the mum and explain that your DD can’t handle the type of pressure she was put under and reiterate that you were complying with the rules around this type of illness.

NeedToChangeName · 19/03/2025 17:13

If she was sick at eg 3pm on Monday afternoon, then the 48 hours didn't expire until 3pm today

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2025 17:13

kellygoeswest · 19/03/2025 16:52

I have to say... I had to go back and reread the post. The girls involved are 18, but the title (and meddling mothers) suggested to me they were at primary school or something!

Show quote history

You did read that she's autistic, yes? So not like NT girls socially?

fruitbrewhaha · 19/03/2025 17:15

I too think you need to speak to the school. Maybe the senco or the teacher of the class she has this exam.

It’s really not on for her friend or the mother to be trying to persuade your dd to miss an important exam. I’d be fucking cross.

Hopefully the school can talk to her and see it important to attend.

Arcticrival · 19/03/2025 17:16

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2025 17:13

You did read that she's autistic, yes? So not like NT girls socially?

Show quote history

I don't thin anyone is denying that OP daughter needs extra support. It's the whole tone of the OP post though. OP refers to the other girl as a 'child' She has her 18th birthday this weekend. These are not little children. She's infantalising (sp?) the other girl, prob does the same with her daughter ?

Even in OP update - it's not for the OP to decide who her 18 year old daughter is friends with and contact the other girl's mother to intervene. Imo it's utter madness. No wonder so many children are so anxious if they are babied and mothers of 18 year olds contact the mothers of other 18 year olds to 'sort out friendships' Do they arrnage playdates too?

AmyDudley · 19/03/2025 17:16

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2025 17:01

I'd say she's only around 13-14 socially? so she needs a bit of scaffolding

I still wouldn't be getting involved with someone who's asking your 18 year old to observe the 48 hiur sickness rule.

This is for toddlers.

13 and 14 year olds arrange their own meets ups.

13 and 14 year olds arrange their own meet ups with other 13 and 14 year olds not with kids who are socially 4 - 5 years older than them. So its an even playing field.
This is not the case for OPs DD. She is vulnerable because she has ASD and is therefore socially less mature than her peers., but still has to interact and negotiate relationhips with them. It is absolutely appropriate that she is supported by her Mum while she learns more independence.

I mean seriously does it have to be spelt out? Are you really that obtuse?

TheGander · 19/03/2025 17:18

You sound like a great mum. The other one on the other hand…. 18 year olds and she’s trying to regulate school attendance and social lives. Weird. If her DD got D&V now it might even be doing her a favour, she’d be less likely to get it at exam time.

caringcarer · 19/03/2025 17:20

Could you contact school and ask if DD can sit exam work in a separate room? Just to keep her stress down.

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2025 17:20

Arcticrival · 19/03/2025 17:16

I don't thin anyone is denying that OP daughter needs extra support. It's the whole tone of the OP post though. OP refers to the other girl as a 'child' She has her 18th birthday this weekend. These are not little children. She's infantalising (sp?) the other girl, prob does the same with her daughter ?

Even in OP update - it's not for the OP to decide who her 18 year old daughter is friends with and contact the other girl's mother to intervene. Imo it's utter madness. No wonder so many children are so anxious if they are babied and mothers of 18 year olds contact the mothers of other 18 year olds to 'sort out friendships' Do they arrnage playdates too?

Edited
Show quote history

The other mother and the (I assume) NT girl were the ones in touch and interfering first...

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 19/03/2025 17:21

How did the messaging get to this stage? Thought the other girl's mother messaged you not your daughter.

Mumofferal3 · 19/03/2025 17:23

medianewbie · 19/03/2025 15:28

Thanks for replies - it's really helpful to get an outside perspective.
I think she is a nice girl in general but she's got a bit wound up about this and made the wrong call. But it was wrong enough to be semi bullying I think as, not only has she said she'd send my Dd home but apparantly she has chatted to the 'friend group' & passed on another's concerns about my Dd 'infecting' them.
However the friendship matters a great deal to Dd and, at 8 weeks before Exams, I 'm keen to keep things on an even keel for Dd.
But I am also keen for her to prioritise her learning and hard work (her own Self)
I am wanting to help her with the handling of it so she can become more independent (she is ASD enough that she is semi verbal under stress & is socially very young) & use this as a good learning opportunity for the future.
She didn't go in today (she was WAY too stressed to manage to work)
She and I have chatted it through. I have suggested she sends a text to the friend later to say that she will be in tomorrow and expects no discussion of that.
If the friend is anything other than kind I will involve school (& text her Mother)

I didn't expect this at their age, but Dd is a bit 'younger' than her years re ASD.

@Goldbar your message is great thank you. I'll use if neeeded x

I feel for your daughter as this has been blown out of proportion and people with autism can take things so literal that this will be a really big deal when ideally you'd want it played down. She has probably been dysregulated by being ill, let alone everything else.
If the girl was a good friend, she could have approached this in a totally different way. I get the feeling that the friend probably is feeding off mums feelings.
I hope your daughter gets the chance to do the work required. Totally unfair for them to be so concerned about their party that they cause a knock on effect on your daughters education.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2025 17:28

AmyDudley · 19/03/2025 17:16

13 and 14 year olds arrange their own meet ups with other 13 and 14 year olds not with kids who are socially 4 - 5 years older than them. So its an even playing field.
This is not the case for OPs DD. She is vulnerable because she has ASD and is therefore socially less mature than her peers., but still has to interact and negotiate relationhips with them. It is absolutely appropriate that she is supported by her Mum while she learns more independence.

I mean seriously does it have to be spelt out? Are you really that obtuse?

Show quote history

Well said @AmyDudley
I think some of the harsher posts on this thread are from posters who just don't "get" it.

FunWithFlagz · 19/03/2025 17:34

If she last vomited on Monday afternoon then her 48 hours wasn’t up until this afternoon. Are you counting 48 hours to the second? But the girl and her mum were being nuts by getting involved.

godmum56 · 19/03/2025 17:35

Use8535735 · 19/03/2025 13:59

It's very possible the other girl, or her mum, has emetophobia. Anyone who suffers from it or has a child who gets triggered by potentially catching a sickness bug won't find her message strange in the slightest!

The easiest compromise is just to go to school but don't interact with her friend out of safety. Covid has made it socially acceptable to avoid friends and family if they are concerned of catching something. It's nothing to be taken personally at all and should have zero consequences once you're out of the quarantine window.

Edited

so folk with emetophobia can go around telling others what to do and threatening them?

DDDSSF223 · 19/03/2025 17:41

Use8535735 · 19/03/2025 13:59

It's very possible the other girl, or her mum, has emetophobia. Anyone who suffers from it or has a child who gets triggered by potentially catching a sickness bug won't find her message strange in the slightest!

The easiest compromise is just to go to school but don't interact with her friend out of safety. Covid has made it socially acceptable to avoid friends and family if they are concerned of catching something. It's nothing to be taken personally at all and should have zero consequences once you're out of the quarantine window.

Edited

I didnt realise one of the symptoms of emetophobia but "bloody patronising and rude"

Lokens · 19/03/2025 17:42

I agree that the actions of both mother and daughter are shocking.
I would absolutely be giving the school the heads up.

Your daughter was very wrong to take your phone.
Completely unacceptable.

I think the school needs to see the texts that she received from that girl.
Completely inappropriate.
Hope it works out.