Another Child telling Dd she 'can't' go to school?

[medianewbie]

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

Omg your poor DD. Well, that settles it. No question of the other girl being her friend now. How awful and unfair.

1. your daughter is 18 and acting like she's 5
2. you tell the mother that a) it's none of her fucking business and b) your daughter is acting within the school guidelines and they are fully aware of the situation and if she has a problem with that to contact the school instead of sending intimidating messages
3. you tell the school that another parent has been sending unsolicited messages of this nature and it's well out of order in order to ensure they are fully aware of jumped up dipshit of a mother.

Then you ignore. The end.

They sound like primary aged children not sixth formers albeit with special needs. I hope the school cracks down on her 'friend'. Are they hoping to go onto to university this year?

Show your daughter the school policy. I am sure you can find similar rules to the 48 hours in the NHS websites.
Tell the school to watch for friction between them.
Really, they are not the nicest of people, are they? The daughter can learn to be less selfish, but if the mother has anything to do with this, then hope is zero.
I would not send my DD to that party, by the way. You may think it is too much and like a punishment for your DD. But there is always someone who gets sick. And I would not want to deal with the outcome, after all this just for the distant possibility.....

And you have missed my point. Which is that not all people are like you. What worked for you is what works for people like you. For people not like you a different approach is needed.

I had missed that they are nearly 18!
I thought they were 8-10!

I’m sorry that happened and what hideous timing with the hand.

Take the texts to the principal. The 'friend' and her mother are bullies.

Your poor daughter.
This is such serious bullying.
Hold nothing back.
Show the school everything.

In light of your post of 11:57, you absolutely need to go in person to talk to the principal about the bullying.

This is outrageous.

Your poor daughter.

School just called. They'd like Dd to 'have ownership of any consequences'.
I said I agree: she will have a quiet evening and then come in tomorrow to speak to someone. 'No one available tomorrow. Perhaps after the party they will make up again'. I said I thought that it was not behaviour that the School would be proud of (one of these kids is a Prefect) and that I felt that, given her hand will be affected for many weeks that School would want to be fully aware. Angry now

@RedToothBrush my Dd is 17 and Autistic (semi verbal) Party girl is 18 (NT) & a prefect. Other girl is also 18 & NT. Those two are off to Uni. My Dd won't manage Uni but is going for a place at the local College if she doesn't fail the 2, much-worked-for Exam courses/practicals shes supposed to be doing IN school.

Report your DD's " bullying little 'not a friend at all' " to the school for bullying coercive behaviour, and tell the mum she's an ignorant excuse for a mother.....

18 and autistic did you bother to read the post?

OP I would send copies of the messages to the school so they can send a general communication about the ‘rules’. The ‘friend’ also needs to be spoken to about her controlling and bullying behaviour.

Thry no 48hr rule they are just being selfish as they don’t want their party to be a wash out. Remind her your dd caught the bug from someone else.

People on here failing to realise girls with asd present and often behave much younger than they are.

Maybe hold back on the "she's nearly 18!" Comments. I'm sure OP is acutely aware of the expectations that being 18 brings but its very different for girls on the spectrum!

It’s a shame the other mother doesn’t sound like the type to stand up to her daughter. An appropriate consequence would seem to be the cancellation of the party if the parents are facilitating it in any way (or at least parents refusing to do anything they were going to do - aware you can’t actually say to an 18 year old THEY can’t do something)

Agree with others, amazing this isn’t about primary aged kids.
Tbh OP, you sound very caring but reading your posts, it’s no wonder your DD is emotionally immature. ND or not.
And sending an 18yo to school with a comforter is just sticking a target on them.

Even with autism that's still off.

Emotionally she's not 14. 14 year olds don't take teddies to school. You've not been fostering independence where she can and should have it.

I know plenty of autistic kids, including ones who are partly verbal.

They still have to be able to learn to cope with certain things, without Mum swooping in to the rescue all the time otherwise that encourages dependency long term.

I get that you want to protect and help, but you also need to be aware that enabling creates its own problems.

'Being grateful' for friends isn't a healthy dynamic for her to learn. It makes her exceptionally vulnerable. You should be teaching to spot red flags in behaviour and knowing it's ok to not put yourself into a situation just because no one else wants to be friends.

These girls are not friends.

Oh! Your poor daughter. My heart really goes out to you both. Hope the school come down on these vile bullies like a ton of bricks.

If no one is an available, then I’d be emailing the governors. Teenage girls should not be deciding who goes in to school or not and if that is happening, then that says a lot about the poor management of the school.

For those who criticised re the 48 hour rule I kept to it (just) & School happy.
For those who think I am 'not fostering independence' in my autistic young person (because they know other autistic kids...). You have NO idea. She has made huge progress, despite having to try to manage in a large mainstream school. Her 'comforter' is in her bag & stays there. Her other friends all have jellycat bag toys clipped to their bags so little real difference. Yes, she is a bit delayed as she has Autism, Dyslexia and Dyspraxia. I had good relations with her diagnostic professionals and with her Autism support worker at School.
I'm supporting her progress in social relations and how to stand up for herself. I encouraged her to apply for job mentoring and am supporting her application to College. She's needed support (none of this came via school). Kids who are different are bullied. She finally found what seemed to be a friend group but they've been happy to be horrible to her recently. Have I 'intervened'? Yes, when paint was repeatedly thrown at her (& school did nothing). Yes, when she's been told she's infectious & disgusting and will be 'sent home' by an older Prefect 'friend' if she attends class (plus winding up the 'friend group' about Dd) The real issue is with the so called friend, possibly the parent (who has texted me again tonight) & possibly the School who like to think bullying doesn't happen there. It happens everywhere. I'll leave this thread now. Thanks for the contributions.

Oh op I’m so sorry to read your latest update. Some posters really lack empathy and it seems as if the school just want to sweep this under the carpet. The “friend” and her mum sound absolutely unhinged. Hope your dd is ok now and can have a quiet and chilled weekend xx

And that would be your perrogative, to protect your child. I however do not need to create bad feeling by telling others what to do.
I abide by 48hr rule so am not spreading it but why would I expend energy on something I cannot control. If you choose to then go ahead.