Another Child telling Dd she 'can't' go to school?

[medianewbie]

Dd, nearly 18,(upper 6th year). Autistic & Dyslexic. School is very hard for her.
Has1 very close friend. Nice girl (single child, very tightly controlled by Mum)

Dd went down with vomiting 48 hrs ago. Not been sick since Monday afternoon & completely fine now. I called School to advise & they are happy to have her back. This would be good as she has a timed Exam Project in class with only a few hours left before Easter to complete (needed to pass Course no exemption).

Yesterday evening her friend's Mum texted me to say: 'hope Dd better. Please remember the 48 hour rule re sickness. My Dd is looking forward to seeing your Dd at her Important Party at the weekend IF she is feeling better'. It was 10pm:
I had read the message but not opened it. It seemed a bit OTT/ high handed so I was thinking how to reply for the best as I don't want upset for Dd re this as her friend's Important Party is important to her (not to be left out/blamed if others ill)
.
I popped to the loo then I became aware my phone was missing. Dd had squirreled off to the bathroom, opened& read the message from other Mum to me. I had words with her about privacy. This morning she is better enough to consider going in for the 2 important afternoon lessons.
Only she is sitting here in floods 30 mins before so no way will she be able to self regulate enough that quickly to use the two hours for exam work.
It turns out her friend got her Mum to text me as she said it was really important my DD didn't go back to School ('till at least Friday') so she didn't infect her / her other friends before the Party. 'If your Mum is selfish enough to send you in I swear I will make you go home'. DD of course has agreed not to go. Dd has shown me the texts. Pages of them. 'If you don't suceed in persauding your mother I will intervene'. This morning she texts to say: 'I'm worried I went over your head or been too controlling'. Well YES!

Dd will now probably miss this afternoon but cannnot miss the lesson tomorrow. Clearly I will have to help Dd address this. Any thoughts on how to do so in least stressful way for Dd?

It would still be incredibly rude if the mother or child had emetophobia. If the child did, it might be understandable if they stayed home to avoid potentially catching something. It wouldn't make pestering the OP or bullying another child acceptable though.

My daughter was trying to get off secondary school recently on the basis of the 48 hour rule, and the school said they "don't do" the 48 hour rule there!

@Surfshoe Do you think I didn’t read the thread? I did. I have made several other comments. As I have said in some of those other comments, I was an autistic teen girl myself, I understand this very well. Not sure what you think you’re informing me of here. This is my own experience that I remember very well. It still is totally excessive for OP to step in in the way being described. People do not do this for thirteen and fourteen year olds either.

And yes, I also used to take a comfort animal to school.

@OldCottageGreenhouse Some people just cannot stand the idea that a different opinion to theirs is being expressed.

(Even if it’s being shared by someone who is actually autistic!)

It amazes me how little some people know about ND kids.
If OP daughter had gone to school and the 'friend' was to avoid her, she would likely think she has done something wrong and it would cause more upset.
As for all these people saying the 48 hour rule needs to be stuck to, likelihood is the poor girl was contagious before she was sick. She might have even picked it up in school. And if any of these plastics catch it, they will be blaming her anyways.
OP, I'd be inclined to agree that she should turn her focus to work and if unsure about the social situation around the party, I would have advised to avoid it. Most of us spend our lives trying to find that boundary so if your daughter can learn it early, I say its empowering.

FFS! Read the OP's posts. The DD is autistic and has a much younger emotional age.

Honestly, the lack of understanding about neurodiversity from some of the posters on this thread is utterly depressing.

Especially as it was interfering with her work. I am a mum of 3 and religiously abide by 48hr rule, but wouldn't dream of telling someone specifically not to go to school.
My heart hurts for OP daughter, school life is probably tough enough without being bullied and victimised by people over a sickness bug.

@RampantIvy Disagreeing with you is not the same thing as not understanding.

@verysmellyjelly I often read on here that if you have met one autistic person you have met one autistic person.

The OP's DD is not you.

@RampantIvy I never suggested she was. But you seem to be very confident that you can judge what’s appropriate for any autistic person, while speaking over other autistic people and implying we are wrong and somehow dont “understand” if we disagree. Maybe, just maybe, you don’t have the insight you think you do.

Do you also listen just to respond or do you actually listen and understand what is being said just like you seem to read just to respond and not properly observe what has been typed?? There’s a few of you in here the same who seems to have chosen to ignore the first line which was clearly stated the girl is autistic and decided to try make out OP is some helicopter parent in her adult kids business when that’s not the full facts of the story.

The fact that you wouldn’t means you don’t have experience of why it’s advised. It’s more than just spreading of disease there are also immunocompromised people to consider. My little boy is one of them and whenever I hear about people (and schools) blatantly disregarding the advice it makes me so sad. It can and does literally kill people.

just because you don’t need that support doesn’t mean other autistic people don’t. There is nothing to suggest here she didn’t need help from mum. I work alongside a number of autistic 17/8 year olds and many need support such as this. As an autistic adult I would never dream of responding with “well I didn’t need that and the other kid over there doesn’t so your child cannot”. Your approach here suggests a serious issue with empathy that you might need some support with.

Apologies that was meant for @RampantIvy above.

It is possible that both of these are true:
my daughter was last sick Monday afternoon
it was 48hrs to go to the afternoon session of school.

If she was sick between 12-1.30 everything would be above board.

OP my school would want to know about the text exchange, it wouldn’t be an over reaction. Please let them know so they support both girls (getting it wrong is part of growing up and party girl could do with some guidance on perspective and the impact of her words).

You totally misunderstood my point (maybe you need some support with that…?). I am saying that the suggested interventions and interference will likely make things worse. When my parents did try to intervene, that is what happened for me. Also, I am responding to people in this thread who think that constantly infantilising autistic teens is always the best solution. I have every right to share my view that that is not the best approach. Sorry that you don’t like that! But I disagree. It’s not lack of empathy at all, it’s wanting good outcomes for actual, real people who exist, rather than wanting to win an argument.

@Surfshoe (1) Show me where I said all autistic girls are the same? (2) Somehow it’s fine for multiple people to give blanket advice about ND teens but not for me to speak based on actual experience that is very similar…

Classic MN ableism! This is an absolutely typical response. It would be funny if it wasn’t sad.

@Surfshoe Yes, so nasty to use exactly the same phrasing they used to me.

Given how keen schools are on attendance I doubt they would be happy about the message. I wouldn’t say anything to the parent and due to the part at the weekend leave it until Monday to contact the school.

The 48 hr rule is for D&V not just V.

Not at my school it’s not. It D and/or V. Lots of children have both, but some only have D and some only have V. They all have the same bug and are all equally infectious.

Yes, sick Sun night & Mon am, quite 'violent' but also short lived. Over by Lunch.
Therefore 48 hours before Weds pm lessons at 2pm. And School wanted her in.

My main aim was to get Dd back into school today. Second aim was to help her to think about how 'OK' any pressure on her was and how she felt about that.
We talked about boundaries, rules, 'support' vs bullying, privacy (my phone).
She said she felt upset with her friend & 'might not go to the Party now anyway' but I suspect that will fade when she goes back to school.

So, I was literally typing above earlier when I got a very upset call from Dd
I drove to School, found her on the edge of the grounds quite upset.
Party girl and another 'friend' had intercepted her as she went to her ongoing exam lesson (certain number of hours left for practical in exam conditions).
They told her everyone had to avoid her as she was 'contagious'. Party girl said: 'my Mum says I'm not to go near you'. Dd went to the lesson but struggled and left to use the loo where she got upset and punched a wall. She then left school.
We went back into School, I showed Reception her hand and they said 'straight to A&E please'. I said there had been bullying and asked for a call later.
Just back now. Her hand is a mess. Fortunately it isn't broken but A&E said extensive soft tissue damage which will 6-8 weeks to fully heal so sling and painkillers it is. I've just left a message on the School answerphone.