How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Surely it is enough to know that he is 17 and your son?

I agree with the "levelling up" approach. He's sorted for holidays. He can't have everything, and everything can't be all about him. That's an important lesson to learn.
From what you have shared, it sounds like big sis will ensure he has a good week whilst you are all away. Be firm and don't feel guilty OP.

You have an incredibly complex family situation here. Nobody on mumsnet can advise you on what’s best.

This. A lot of drip feeding as well about SN, gp duties and such. I understand why, but nobody can advise well, I think.

No. Domt tell someone to ignore something that’s true. It’s not nonsense. You can’t rope an adult child in to help you with children you chose to have and to keep you company because you have no friends. That behaviour is absolutely not something to be ignoring about yourself. Just because the truth is uncomfortable doesn’t make it a lie, we can’t just all ignore things because we don’t like to hear them. Families woek in all sorts of ways. Done at mean those ways aren’t toxic.

Yup. I totally agree.

Couldn't you wait a year? Excluding a child from a family holiday with siblings seems like a very harsh situation. It will be different when he's 18.

I understand you want a break, but I really wouldn't do this.

I can't imagine any scenario when I would leave one of my children out of a family holiday - it doesn't matter how difficult they are. But then I didn't have six children and expect some to help with caring/looking after the others.

Six children and also looking after grandchildren. Why do people do this to themselves is beyond me.

OP, are you dead against going away on your own? The reason I ask is that you obviously desperately need a break, and going away on your own would solve your problem about who to take/not take - and, probably, be more restful and more of a total break from home and family.

I speak as someone who cares for a family member in my home, I go away for a week by myself every year and it's so restful not to have to think of anyone but myself for a week. However, I do realise not everyone would want to holiday alone.

deleted last sentence as just saw OP says she doesn't have friends

I understand.

I think you need to abandon or hide this thread. A lot of people are failing to comprehend your situation.

Just go, with the younger ones and your adult son. No need for long explanations to the one you're not taking. Tell him that as he's having other holidays, he's not going on this one.

And stop feeling guilty. You need to balance the needs of all your children, not to mention your own needs.

Then that’s your answer. None of the things here will work if he wants to come. You’ll either have to tell him he’s not invited, or include him, and have eldest DS look after him some of the time so you get a break?

There’s no way to change how he feels. I can absolutely appreciate how you need a break, and it’s really unfortunate that you can’t time this when he’s already away so that he can’t come and you can have that time, but that being the case… I think it’s either get everything ready now so you can book something the next time he goes away, or accept taking him this time.

Then you haven't read the OP's posts properly.

Regardless of the holiday, you need friends. You really do.

Your dc is not yet an adult so of course he goes on holiday with you.

Well that's not helpful, is it?

Not if he spoils it for everyone else!

And you seem to be missing the bloody point! It is not about having been abroad or not. The purpose of going on holiday with the family is not to tick off the box of being abroad at lest once for that given year. It is the opportunity of having quality time together regardless of the geolocation! If you leave him out you are severing the relationship for good, do you understand ?

And if he goes it won't be " quality time". Op has said as much, especially for the 14 year old DD. She really is between a rock and a hard place

HRTFT but I'd book it for the same time he's away if I really couldn't cope with him.

I don’t think OP has found anything people have said on this thread helpful.

Can you just take the 3 youngest away somewhere? Look specifically at single parent breaks. I think it will be much easier to explain.

Absolute mob mentality. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves (except you won’t will you, because this is what you enjoy doing and come to Mumsnet specifically to do).

Have a lovely holiday @Youagain2025
Apply for your passports, get it booked so you know it’s happening and then bright breezy firm and factual. Younger kids needs a holiday, you need a hand taking them and that’s all there is to it. No, he’s not coming this time, he’s had two holidays.

If he wants to come then there is absolutely no way you can go without him. That would be exceptionally cruel. If you feel that your younger kids are missing out can you have a word with their dad about whether he’s planning on taking them away? And if so, could you do some things on your own whilst your youngest are away?

Going on holiday without him also doesn’t sound like a long term solution. Could you perhaps look at getting your 17 yr old into some holiday activities, volunteering or specialist residential activities and take the younger ones for a trip to the beach or other days out? It’s difficult to know what’s possible but if he’s about to turn 18 what’s the longer term plan? Is he likely to qualify for supported living or something like that?

I also think booking for when he’s away is a good idea, you might need to put the dog in kennels or something.