How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

Ok and if I had said he's coming to enjoy the holiday I would be wrong there to ? And yes I did say also to keep me company is that not automatic on a holiday several people go =company ie not on your own ds is 22 he's not being forced

So you have so many children you can’t look after them without the help of other of your children, when posters mention parentification you don’t know what they’re talking about. You seem oblivious too to all the suggestions of workarounds to give you a well-needed break without so obviously excluding one son. So despite this you still think the best idea is to ditch one son to go on holiday without him and insist another son accompanies you.

Every family is different. I think it's great that you have a person who is able to look after your son at home. Your other kids need that time away too.

• It would be worth applying for the passport/s right away, to give yourself options and allow for any unexpected delays. Is it yours or adult DS 1st passports (kids 1st, and adult renewals/replacements can be paid to be fast tracked if necessary - that's the case for UK anyway).

• Has your adult DS already ruled out May with regard to work leave? If there's any way he could swing that, then having someone look after your dog or kennels would certainly be the kindest/diplomatic way to go about this.

I wish you could actually get away yourself with a friend becuse you need it - that’s a lot you’ve had to cope with and it sounds like it’s been a lot for a long time so regardless of anything else, you really need a bloody break, there’s no one who could be in your shoes and NOT need a break!

I would not tell him that. I agree with the rest though.

Can your older daughter say how much fun it will be to not go on the holiday and what they can do instead? You really do need a break and so do your other children. People on this thread don't seem to understand how much of a toll it can take on the entire family when one child is so difficult/needs more care.

Hope you can work around it and have a great holiday.

Very well put. This is the sort of vibe I was aiming for with my much clumsier attempt earlier.

People who asked if I would really say what I suggested - no, not exactly that, it was more of a starting point. As others have said, he is aware of how his behaviour affects the rest of his family so a holiday involving respite for them is certainly fair. I say this as having been part of a similar family.

Will he, though? It sounds like he’s going as a favour to his mum - which is obviously very kind, but will he genuinely be “really disappointed” that he doesn’t get to do it?

Correct me if I’m wrong @Youagain2025. So from what I’ve understood from your post, it looks like you have a 27 year old daughter who is willing to take care of your 17 year old son. This 17 year old might be diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he’s 18. I’m not sure how he has managed to go on so many holidays. Were they all paid for by you or does he have his own money/allowance? Does he have a different dad who is willing to pay for those holidays? Or did he just travel with your 27 year old daughter? I’m not sure why or how he managed to have at least 50 holidays and you haven’t been able to go for a good long while. Why weren’t you able to accompany him?

And you’ve mentioned something about taking care of your daughter’s children. And your 22 year old son is going to be helping you with the younger children, your 14 year old daughter has been struggling mentally and your 8 year old child is also special needs. It does sound very exhausting.

I don’t know if it’s fair to leave out 2 of your children for a family holiday. It might cause potential rifts if they feel left out. But it’s clear that you do need a break.

I don't have friends. But I just didn't think it would be that complicated to take the 3 youngest and adult ds to come. considering ds17 had already bedn away and also going twice more . Alot of people are taking about ds and how he will feel I get that hence I feel guilty as fuck. But there seems to be little thought for dd 14 who's also been through alot.

It’s not your child’s responsibility to look after children just because you’ve chosen to have so many. Especially continuing to have more children when you have children with caring needs/ special needs.

You could potentially avoid your DS feeing left out if you were just taking the youngest 3, but it complicates it that you’re taking an older child as “company” and to help out.

How on earth has your 17 yr old DS gone on so many hols?
Is their dad able to help at all? Assume not.

Only you know your children and your family. You don't need to explain to anyone. Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Ignore the parentification nonsense, families help each other out it's how it works❤

I get you need a break (and your DD does) but if you do this you have to accept it’ll be to the detriment of your DS and he may not forgive you.

At the least I’d arrange something else for him to do - go away with another family member or stay with a friend so he at least feels like he’s getting something.

😭 I don't know what to say anymore..💐

So adult DD is not going because she doesn’t live there. Not that she is being excluded like DS who still lives at home.

you sound extremely cruel no matter which way you try and justify this.

It’s not right to exclude one child. I know you will repeat that you “need a break,” but that doesn’t justify excluding your son. If his needs are so high that he requires a carer, I don’t understand how he could be left with his sister in any case. I assume she isn’t trained to be his carer.

I also don’t understand how a 17-year-old with profound additional needs can pay for his own holiday. Does he work?

I agree with PPs that changing the holidays to the time your DS is away could work. Or as someone else said, do a “little kids” holiday with the younger two and a second trip with your 14-year-old. I don’t know if that would fully avoid the emotional impact on your son to know he is unwanted. But it might make the situation more palatable for him.

terrible - so you've basically picked your favourite child to take on holiday & keep you company. Have you no friends to go with?

@Youagain2025 sort the passports and book it. Don't keep your son informed or bring it up at all. No info means he has no expectation.

If it gets out, you tell him that this is a holiday for the kids not for the adults.

He can have a meltdown but you be clear that he is not coming on this trip and that sometimes we dont get what we want.

It's time he learns the world won't revolve around him. He's in for a shock once he turns 18 otherwise.

You do you. You've earned it.

I’m genuinley not trying to have a go. I’ve already also posted that you seem like you’re at absolute braking point. I would have broken a long time ago in your position, trust me. Everyone would have, you’re coping with too much for too long. I’m genuinely just pointing out aomethng you might have a blind spot to. That’s all. I wish we could watch your kids right now for you so you could get a bloody break and a regular break because you’re badly burnt out, as every single one of us would be trying to do what you’ve been doing. X

@Youagain2025 Could you possibly do a family outing as a family, including all the children? It could be a museum trip, picnic, some sort of group activity etc.? That way he is included as well as your adult children. Instead of calling it a family holiday which would then imply that two of your children are not included. You could just say that it’s a short break because he’s also traveling with your eldest so he is still having a break but on a different day/time.

Probably because you didn't mention her for well over half the thread, where all your posts were about YOU needing a break.

You do need to tell him that though. If you don't point it out to him that his behaviour impacts others, how will he learn then? It is your job as a parent to prepare him for life and being around others. You will not be doing him any favours by molly codling him and tip toeing around him. Is he able to regulate his emotions outside with other people and acts only like this at home?

I think this is the best way to frame it...perhaps also that it would be good for his sister to have some help dog/house sitting. Could you offer him some money towards his other holidays in payment for dog/house sitting along with his sister?