How can I tell ds he can't come on holiday.

[Youagain2025]

I'm not 100% it will happen. But im trying to sort out a holiday for me my 3 youngest and adult ds. I want adult ds to come so that I have some company.

The reason I don't want my other ds to come is he's hard work he really drains me and in all honesty I Need a break . This would be my first holiday since I was around 15 years old. Also ds has been on holiday with his sister. He's going again in may . Then again next year .

He's coming up 18 . He is able to pay for himself. But that's not what it's about . Obviously I can't tell him that he's hard work etc.

I hope you're not in the habit of giving out advice like that, it’s horrible. Thankfully OP is not entertaining it.

She's 27

It means that your other son is being used as a carer/additional parent and therefore isn’t really being treated to a holiday or getting a ‘break’. However it depends on your son’s circumstances, does he live at home and is expected to be part of your children’s care routine regularly or is this a one off?

I think the best option is to focus on the fact that the others have missed out due to you wanting (not being forced!) to give him a lot of attention over the last few years (or whatever).

The problem is is that if he's emotionally reactive/immature he will think ' i didn't ask you to give me attention' and 'how come they're getting attention in a place with a pool/beach and I didn't?'

But I guess then you could say 'well they've also missed out on going abroad too so I'm killing two birds with one stone and then everyone will be even.'

Could DD14 stay with DD27 while you take just the youngest two away while adult DS stays with DS17?
It means you don't get adult company and help on holiday - can you manage the youngest two by yourself? Is there a friend or another family member who would come?

Then you could separately take the DD14 away, and maybe also invite DD27, as a 'girls' trip.

It is going to be difficult to take the youngest three, including DD14, whilst excluding DS17 (nearly 18). However, if that is the only option, then you just need to tell DS17 that he is not coming because he is now one of the 'older' ones and DD14 is still 3 or 4 years younger than him.
Make it primarily about their ages, and maybe about who has already had holiday and who hasn't. Don't say anything about needing a break from DS17 - that would be unkind and damaging.

Best option, I think.

I would think the only solution would be to exclude the adult DS too, that way you can say you are only bringing the younger ones. Adult ds would be really disappointed though

You’d tell your child that you want a break from them and that’s why you are taking your other children abroad but not him. Wow.

This is a good idea.

The only other option I can think of is planning something for DS to go to for the same time, like some event or something, and using that as the reason he can't go - that way you've also spent the same amount of money on him as the other kids and he also has something to look forward to.

Why can’t you be honest with him? Ultimately if this is the reason, it’s the reason. It’s a natural consequence to his actions and unless he’s incapacitated to the point of having no capacity at all (which doesn’t sound like the case if he’s holding down a job etc) then maybe a bit of accountability wouldn’t be a bad thing

I really feel for you OP. The sticking point seems to be the adult DS going with you. You indicate that DS17 might accept the fairness reason - that your younger kids should get a holiday too, and the only way to even it out and make it fair is to take them and not him. So you either need to:

-Not tell him that adult DS is going. He doesn't need to know.
-Don't go with adult DS.
-Go in May when DS17 is away. Pay for kennels.

He lives on his own. He can help and enjoy the holiday. And example of helping would be if the 9 year old can't cope with say a slide . Adult ds can either wait with ds 9 or take ds8 on the slide. Whilst I wait with ds 9. There will be lots of time to enjoy the holiday im not going to stick him in a cupboard and take him out when I need him 😁

It feels like you’ve categorised your children in to 2 camps.

The eldest 2 as helpers
The youngest 4 as burdens that you need the older 2 to help you with.

Where are the fathers of all these children? I understand you’re burnt out but segregating your children and damaging your relationships with them isn’t the solution to your problem.

Which suggestion do you think is going to work for you?

That information was added after I had posted along with additional child caring responsibilities that the OP has for grandchildren. I really hope you can work out a solution OP as you really could do with a break.

So you're excluding him, but won't even give him the common courtesy of telling him why?

That's not very nice.

If you leave out 1 DC for whatever reason they will look at you differently afterwards. If you're ok with that, go ahead. If my sisters had been taken away by my Mum and I was excluded I wouldn't really think of her in the same way again.

That's true we don't know what he earns but realistically what is a 17 year old earning.. hence the point the poster made.

Can you enlist the help of your DD and you tell him together. They clearly get on. Perhaps, there could be a budget for an outing/activity or a couple of takeaways etc. You mentioned she would probably plan BBQ whilst you were away. I think you need to sell it as an opportunity to hang out with his grown sister without mum & siblings getting on his nerves. Your DD will be ideal for that.

If he is wavering then you can say, you have had 3 holidays etc., and this will be the younger children's first holiday.

Good luck OP.

I totally understand why you don't want a holiday with a difficult child, I had a difficult son who was angry, aggressive, incredibly impatient and had mood swings. But you can't exclude them.

All you can do is say you aren't sure yet but you were wondering about a family holiday and do lots of kiddy stuff with the younger kids, his older brother is going to help with the kids. And see what he says. If he says he wants to come, and you can't face it, you can't do the holiday, end of.

But he may say that he doesn't want to go and in that case plan nice things for him while you are away - leave him money to get takeaways and have a day out or something. Send him a pic from the holiday with him photoshopped in saying you all miss him etc

I actually spoke to dd this morning. Her words were literally . Well he has to get over it he's already paying for 2 holidays.

I would pick a calm moment when him and dd and you are together and say “As you two are off on a holiday together this year I might treat the other kids to one so we have all managed to get a break this year”. Hoping you guys will house sit and I’ll bring you back a stick of rock.

If he brings up why not him state but he is already going away and the other kids deserve a holiday too. It’s not personal as you are not taking dd either.

I would simply frame it as I am going to take the three youngest away during the school holidays. A month or two after your holiday with DD. She's suggested it and offered to come and keep you company and dog sit. I imagine she's planning a party too.

You want to come? That's lovely darling but I'm only taking 3 as it's a holiday for me too and I don't want to spend it all cooking and looking after the same numbers as I would have at home. That's not a holiday for me and you will have had two holidays by then.
Your older brother is thinking about coming to give me a hand with DS but he'll be off doing his own thing too.

If he's difficult he is presumably aware of this to some extent? Is he aware of how he is impacting his sister? If so, he's 18. He is an adult and if he is bi-polar he is going to have to come to terms with not just his own condition but the impact it can have on others around him especially if he is not medicated. It's perfectly reasonable to say that your sister needs a break from you, it would be good for both of you. I'm exhausted looking after you all and adult DS has kindly offered to use some of his holiday time to give me a hand.

You don’t use your adult children to take the place of a spouse of friend to provide you with company or childcare help. Your first thought should be would this person enjoy the holiday, especially if it’s your child, not - they’re coming to proved ME with company. That’s not your child’s job. Look up parentification, just saying it to you because you’ve mentioned quite a few time that he’s coming to provide you with company. I’m truly and genuinely not trying to be mean, it’s just something to look at and obviously you don’t have to justify anything to me or anyone else, it’s just a genuine observation on my part.

Your daughter is right, he does need to get over it. I get that he has emotional disregulation but he needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him and his behaviour does have an impact on others. You are not only looking after your two children with special needs but also grandchildren as well. You need a break and so do your younger children. If he reacts badly then point it out to him that this is excatly why he cannot come. Simple. You need tough love some times.