Incident at school

[Namechangeagain225]

I am in need of some advise please as I am really upset and am not sure what i should do. My dd is in y2 and they've sat her next to a child who has special needs. I do not know the full extent of his needs, but I know he has a lot of health issues. He is behind in work apparently, he used to always be sat at the table where children needed more help with learning. Since the last term they stopped grouping children according to how well they perform. They've mixed all the children. I found out from a mum that this boy has dropped his trousers and showed his bits to to my daughter. When I queried this from my daughter she seemed to have been traumatised by this, she started crying and almost shivering , thinking she had done something wrong because she saw his bits. She then told me that he was facing her and he dropped his trousers and was looking down. Both my dd and the dd of this mum who told me about this said the teacher witnessed what happened. The teacher just told him to put his trousers back up. I wasn't informed of this by the teacher , and my dd didn't tell me either, until I asked her tonight. During the parent consultation which took place before half term , I had already asked for my dd to be moved as there was an incident where this boy hurt my dd by grabbing something off her, and it caused a deep cut on her finger. When we returned from half term break , they still hadn't moved my dd or him. For context, my dd doesn't have any siblings so hasn't seen boy bits before. I am really annoyed with the school that they are not taking this as seriously as they probably should be. What should I do? Speak to the headteacher? Email the headteacher? Also, this child disrupts my dds learning. He is constatly copying from her and my dd ends up having to teach him. I feel like the class teacher finds it convenient to keep her sat next to him ,so she can do part of the TAs job. I am really annoyed by this all. I dont want children flashing at my dd. What would you do?

ritzy you're making a big assumption about the girl being unaffected until her DM asked about it...how would you know?

And it's not age appropriate behaviour. Yes it happens, but it is not appropriate. He needs guidance and support to not do it. She needs support with how she is feeling.

Yes, the scissor incident should have been logged, but I don't know if it has been. My dd has let the teacher know and she was given a plaster. I didn't receive any notification, so I don't know if it has been logged or not. Without being outing, no, my child hasn't been in school for the past three weeks. The reason ive asked for my dd to be moved is because my dd is being continually disrupted by this child. The child continually copies from dd. Then my dd ends up helping the child. He also messes about a lot, but this is largely ignored by staff. While I agree that it is good for empathy and kindness etc, it's not my dds job to help children with their school work. This is the teachers and TA's job. Also, because she helps this boy then she doesn't get to finish her own work. This by itself wasn't a huge issue, but the scissor incident was the last straw. So then taking all of it into account , I wanted my dd or him moved. And now I've learnt of this flashing issue I am seething. Please don't try and victim blame. The issue is not with me or my dd . The issue here is not that my dd at 7 didnt know what a willy looked like or that we don't talk about Willie's, the issue is that she has been flashed at. Yes, it's true we don't talk about willies in our house, there's no need to. It's not a taboo word, it's just not a topic that I've needed to discuss. You also got to tread carefully, not all cultures talk about certain body parts openly.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. But please find a way of getting your child back into school. It can’t be doing her any good being at home it might actually make matters worse for her. I hope you’re in touch with the school and trying to find a way forward. Your daughter comes first.

In the case that I mentioned in a previous post, a mainstream school was absolutely unable to provide an appropriate education for the child - he was there at the insistence of the parents who stated that they wanted him to socialise with children in mainstream. Other boys did try to socialise with him but there was never any obvious response from him.

His TA accompanied him from his previous school and the EA provided a completely unsuitable computer teaching programme. As I reported to my SLT, his TA was completing all the work for him. Why? Apart from the boy's profound intellectual disability, he was registered blind.

The school did have experience of working with children with varying levels of intellectual disability and some of us had experience of working with pupils who were registered blind but for some reason - no matter how many reports staff at the school wrote - there was zero input from the department which supported sight impaired children: I suspect that they had no idea of how to help him.

The specialist setting that he'd previously been in had done very well by him, and that was where he eventually returned.

It's not about undermining them. The teacher failed to inform me that my dd been flashed at, my trust in her is broken

Why has your DD not been in school for three weeks? It can’t be because of this specific incident because you’ve only just been told about it.

Well, out of 30 children only one is flashing , so no, it's not normal. And maybe you wouldnt mind your child being flashed at, but no, I do not want my child flashed at , no matter what research says. I don't send my child to school to get flashed at.

Retired middle manager.

More than 40 years experience as a teacher; 20+ as a middle manager.

He's pulled his trousers and pants down at the same time.

Debating whether this was a sexual act is a red herring - she was involved in an incident that left her traumatised, and her parents and teachers have a duty of care to prevent future traumatic incidents involving this boy.

Yes, the school may already be on it. The concern, however is that the OP wasn't informed.

Thank you for sharing. This is what I would expect too. There is so much minimising and turning a blind eye going on this school

This is not a third hand account. My dd told me what happened. There is no embellishment , stop trying to minimise this and normalise exposing oneself. I don't know if you have someone known to you who does this and therefore you are trying to defend this kind of behaviour, but no child should have to see their classmates or anybody elses private parts.

As far as you know the only thing the school has done wrong with this incident is not tell you about it - and that is a significant failing on their part that merits following up. Your child has been off school for 3 weeks now, independent of this incident, have you had communication with the school during this time to come up with a plan for your daughter?

It sounds like you’ve been unhappy with the other child being next to your daughter, and the exposure incident has given you something now to hang your hat on, but there’s a much wider issue to be addressed? What was your plan to address that and have your daughter back in school before you were aware of this incident?

Yes, it's true we don't talk about willies in our house, there's no need to. It's not a taboo word, it's just not a topic that I've needed to discuss. You also got to tread carefully, not all cultures talk about certain body parts openly.

Theres no need to talk about penises openly if you as a family choose not to, different cultures and different families have varying levels of comfort and openness about bodies and biology. Your daughter does, however, need to have the language to explain things that worry or upset her, and the skills to talk to a trusted adult and ask for help.

That’s not about different cultures or victim blaming, it’s about her knowing she has a right to be safe and being able to seek help and support. If the other parent hadn’t told you, you would be none the wiser and your daughter would still be carrying her feelings about it. You’d also be talking to the school about your daughters needs without having the full picture.

I’m surprised that this incident happened before half term, your daughter has been off school since and no one at the school has made a link and contacted you about it even to check on her welfare.

Have you decided on a course of action?

I think you might struggle on the seating arrangements . The school will take the approach that the child needs to sit somewhere and if they move for one parent who doesn’t want her child distracted they would need to move for every parent for the same reason which is a slippery slope. You can absolutely ask about the pants incident though and request he is kept an eye on.

Maybe they could place him somewhere on a table close to o the teachers desk? That way if he is being disruptive teacher will notice earlier and can quickly attend to him

How much?

It's not all boys. The worst bully I have come across was a girl in my youngest son's class. She actually physically assaulted other DC and she was twice the size of them. My youngest is very sharp and great at coming up with a witty retort within a split second. He also would smack anyone back who got physical with him. I got called to the school and told to tell my DS to not give it back to her and I refused and told them I was glad my DC could stick up for themselves and he was not allowed to start things, but had my permission to finish them.

As a parent, your DC's wellbeing is largely up to you. The school will often take the road of the least hassle (the least noisiest parent). Don't ever let anyone bully your child. If they do, make sure it is the first and last time by letting that bully and their crap parents know that you are going to make their lives very difficult. Show your child that you stick up for them, and they are important and that no one is allowed to bully them, and show them how to stick up for themselves. I always stick up for my DC because my Dad always went nuclear whenever anyone picked on us.

There is clearly more to this than you are saying, why has your DD been out of school for three weeks? It can’t be because of this incident because you say you have only just learned of it, so there are clearly other things at play here.

You say yourself you were told by another boy’s mother, who was presumably told by their son, so it is a third hand account, and you still don’t have the teacher’s version of events.

Six year olds do not have the capacity to deliberately ‘expose themselves’ in a sexual way in the same way as say a teenager or an adult would, but you do seem absolutely determined that this is what it is, again, without even talking to the staff who were actually there.

Accusing a child of such a serious thing shouldn’t ever be done lightly, and suggesting that you seek out the facts from the adults in the room before you do so is not defending anything, it is carrying out due diligence and acting sensibly. Suggesting I know someone who does this is incredibly childish, you asked for people’s opinions on a public forum and I have only ever been polite to you.

The thing I don't understand is this - why ask for advice, as you do in your initial post - and then berate anyone who offers advice different from what you want to hear? Advice is just that - an opinion, a way you could handle something. You don't have to take it - but you certainly don't need to be so outraged, hostile and rude to the person offering it. You asked!

I’m not victim blaming I am telling you that you need to give your child the vocabulary and the opportunity to tell you things that worry them particularly about things of this nature.
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Absolutely this.

If having additional needs is irrelevant with regards to unacceptable behaviour, does that mean the 11 year old with ADHD and Tourette’s who calls me a cunt and tells me to fuck off if I ask him to finish his Maths should be excluded?

It’s 3rd hand in that you had no idea about this until a patent phoned you 3 weeks after the alleged incident to tell you about it. The parent wasn’t in the classroom so could only have the info from someone else.
Also, your DD was so traumatised by seeing a 6 yr old boys penis that you had no idea anything had happened until the other parent phoned you?
BTW, when I did PE in y2 once, a couple of children took their pants off and their underwear came down with them. It was an accident, no one flashed at anyone else and we all managed to survive.