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Incident at school

239 replies

Namechangeagain225 · 13/03/2025 23:01

I am in need of some advise please as I am really upset and am not sure what i should do. My dd is in y2 and they've sat her next to a child who has special needs. I do not know the full extent of his needs, but I know he has a lot of health issues. He is behind in work apparently, he used to always be sat at the table where children needed more help with learning. Since the last term they stopped grouping children according to how well they perform. They've mixed all the children. I found out from a mum that this boy has dropped his trousers and showed his bits to to my daughter. When I queried this from my daughter she seemed to have been traumatised by this, she started crying and almost shivering , thinking she had done something wrong because she saw his bits. She then told me that he was facing her and he dropped his trousers and was looking down. Both my dd and the dd of this mum who told me about this said the teacher witnessed what happened. The teacher just told him to put his trousers back up. I wasn't informed of this by the teacher , and my dd didn't tell me either, until I asked her tonight. During the parent consultation which took place before half term , I had already asked for my dd to be moved as there was an incident where this boy hurt my dd by grabbing something off her, and it caused a deep cut on her finger. When we returned from half term break , they still hadn't moved my dd or him. For context, my dd doesn't have any siblings so hasn't seen boy bits before. I am really annoyed with the school that they are not taking this as seriously as they probably should be. What should I do? Speak to the headteacher? Email the headteacher? Also, this child disrupts my dds learning. He is constatly copying from her and my dd ends up having to teach him. I feel like the class teacher finds it convenient to keep her sat next to him ,so she can do part of the TAs job. I am really annoyed by this all. I dont want children flashing at my dd. What would you do?

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 14/03/2025 02:04

I think there is a similar thread on here very recently i think maybe they could help

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:10

1SillySossij · 13/03/2025 23:43

I would definitely speak to the teacher about the flashing incident, but you don't get to dictate where your child sits and who she sits with.

I'm a retired school middle manager.

This is a safeguarding matter. The OP needs to ask the school what they're doing to stop a repetition of this assault on her daughter. A risk assessment needs to be put in place.

In my view, this should include ensuring that the OP's daughter does not have to sit next to this boy. He may be neurodivergent. That is not the OP's problem.

I would also be asking what steps the school has taken to help your daughter deal with her trauma.

Put this in writing.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:12

Namechangeagain225 · 13/03/2025 23:37

Thank you for your reply. I don't really mind the general disruptivensss. What I do not want is my dd being hurt by other pupils or for the teachers or pupils to think this is acceptable . So once he hurt her I told the teacher that he needs to be watched or she needs to be moved. Neither is happening. I dont really care about the extent of his needs as far as the flashing is concerned. I will not tolerate this, and the teachers perspective is irrelevant imo. He dropped his trousers and showed his willy, end of. What's in his EHCP (if he has one) is not my or my dds problem. My dd has confirmed that he flashed at her. There is no dispute about it.

Agreed, OP. I've given my measured retired middle manager reply above.

My reply as a grandmother is: fuck this for a game of soldiers. If this had happened to my granddaughter, I wouldn't have had to go to the school - my late husband would have beaten me to it.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:14

FabLollies · 13/03/2025 23:56

Speak to the teacher first, and explain that you are concerned nothing is being done, and ask what is being put in place to stop the flashing happening. One child at our primary wears a belt for example so it takes longer and staff are alerted. Not ideal, but it is something.

If you are not satisfied with the response, then speak to the Headteacher.

The OP needs to put this in writing and to copy it to the HT. She needs to focus on what is being done to safeguard her daughter.

As she has said, she cannot discuss any possible learning difficulties or neurodivergence pertaining to the boy. Her concern is her daughter.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:15

Franjipanl8r · 14/03/2025 01:10

You clearly don’t have kids. Go and find another random forum to put unhelpful comments on.

The username is clearly deliberate.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:18

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 02:03

The incident happened before half-term. I only found out this evening (13th evening)

Edited

When you contact the school, be sure to ask why you were not made aware of the incident.

Even if turns out that there's some kind of innocent explanation - by that, I mean a wardrobe fail - you should absolutely have been made aware.

Given the obvious impact on your daughter, the school seems to have failed her.

m00rfarm · 14/03/2025 02:20

1SillySossij · 14/03/2025 00:15

Ha ha!! you don't get to dictate anything! How entitled are you!! The teacher runs the class not you, the headteacher runs the school not you. You don't like it, you find another school!

What a ridiculous response. There have been two incidents with the same child, and you think it is funny. Do you think your comment is clever or insightful, or even helpful?

Bluesteps · 14/03/2025 02:25

Speak to the teacher, then when you get home write a email starting with 'following our conversation ' and cc the school principal. Insist your child is moved, kids that are quiet or well behaved are put beside chatty/mis behaved kids in school on purpose. In my kids school ,seats are changed on the first of every month. So kids get to sit someone new each month. I would not ignore the flashing incident,

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 02:29

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 02:10

I'm a retired school middle manager.

This is a safeguarding matter. The OP needs to ask the school what they're doing to stop a repetition of this assault on her daughter. A risk assessment needs to be put in place.

In my view, this should include ensuring that the OP's daughter does not have to sit next to this boy. He may be neurodivergent. That is not the OP's problem.

I would also be asking what steps the school has taken to help your daughter deal with her trauma.

Put this in writing.

Thank you very much for this. I will definitely do this. I am going to email the head and the class teacher.

OP posts:
Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 02:34

Bluesteps · 14/03/2025 02:25

Speak to the teacher, then when you get home write a email starting with 'following our conversation ' and cc the school principal. Insist your child is moved, kids that are quiet or well behaved are put beside chatty/mis behaved kids in school on purpose. In my kids school ,seats are changed on the first of every month. So kids get to sit someone new each month. I would not ignore the flashing incident,

I feel like if I speak to the teacher, she will just fob me off and that'll make my email harder to write, if that makes sense. She can turn around and say I told you this, I told you that when we spoke the other day. She hasn't mentioned a word to me about it as of yet and that will be one of my main issues that I raise when I email. I don't want it to be minimised

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 14/03/2025 02:48

OP do not be fobbed off about this. Formalise this ln writing to the teacher and request your child is separated from this one.

If you continue to be ignored escalate it to a complaint. A complaint can not be ignored. Your child is entitled to a safe learning environment. Both the exposure and general behaviour are preventing that. It is a Safeguarding issue and frame it as such. People get very confused on what is acceptable behaviour. Sen needs of the other child are irrelevant to yours.

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 02:57

Marchitectmummy · 14/03/2025 02:48

OP do not be fobbed off about this. Formalise this ln writing to the teacher and request your child is separated from this one.

If you continue to be ignored escalate it to a complaint. A complaint can not be ignored. Your child is entitled to a safe learning environment. Both the exposure and general behaviour are preventing that. It is a Safeguarding issue and frame it as such. People get very confused on what is acceptable behaviour. Sen needs of the other child are irrelevant to yours.

Thank you for replying. It is definitely a safeguarding issue

OP posts:
NiftyKoala · 14/03/2025 02:57

Namechangeagain225 · 13/03/2025 23:49

@1SillySossij also, if he hurts my daughter, then yes I do get to dictate who she doesnt sit next to ,if the teachers can't make sure it doesn't happen again

Special Needs or not absolutely you can say you do not want him sitting next to him. Your daughter has the right to feel safe regardless of this child's needs.

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 03:01

honeyrider · 14/03/2025 00:47

At the very least the teacher should have informed you about him exposing himself. That's a safeguarding issue and she just seems to have minimised it. I wouldn't feel confident in how she's dealt with it.

I'd bring it to her attention and want an explanation why she's minimised it and not informed you. I'd also let the teacher know that you intend to inform social services about it so they can investigate it. That's what I've learnt what I am obliged to do as a mandated person on my child protection course this week.

Is this something that can be reported to SS?

OP posts:
Wanttobefree2 · 14/03/2025 03:06

Complain, complain and complain again, it’s your job to advocate for your daughter. If you make a fuss they will likely do what you ask to shut you up. Completely unacceptable for your daughter to have to deal with a kid dropping his trousers but he’s likely been seated next to your daughter as she will help him. I don’t know why people are saying you don’t get to dictate what happens in the classroom, so we encourage our daughters to keep quiet about males poor behaviour!

honeyrider · 14/03/2025 03:15

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 03:01

Is this something that can be reported to SS?

Yes it is, just because it happened in a school doesn't make it exempt from being reported to social services to investigate.

The school can carry out it's own investigation too but going on how the teacher hasn't even informed you about it I wouldn't have faith in the school to address it.

BungledUp · 14/03/2025 03:16

@Namechangeagain225

Yes - definitely raise this as a concern. Your school should have info online about raising concerns, and then raising complaints.

My son has additional needs, and his current school - for whatever reason - don’t put the provision in place for him that they are supposed to.
Your action will not only help your daughter, but also the boy.
Schools need to be proactive rather than attempt to sweep things under the carpet.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 14/03/2025 03:17

1SillySossij · 13/03/2025 23:43

I would definitely speak to the teacher about the flashing incident, but you don't get to dictate where your child sits and who she sits with.

Yes you do. This is a safeguarding issue. I would be having an urgent meeting with them to ensure they can keep my daughter safe at school. Escalate to the head and governors if the teacher does not deal with this appropriately.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/03/2025 03:22

Just to add that the school might try to guilt the OP into backing down because of the boy's learning difficulties. (The school should not discuss that with the OP, but I've known schools to try to use guilt to fob off parents.)

As already discussed, the boy's difficulties are not the OP's problem. However, a tactic that I used in the past - when someone tried to suggest to me that a boy behaving in a sexualised manner might not understand the impact of his actions was as follows: I agreed that the boy concerned might not understand what he was doing, but pointed out that the boy needed to be given help in order to avoid getting himself into more serious trouble in the future.

Having said that, the OP's focus absolutely should be on safeguarding her daughter. I'm just mentioning the above because school senior management (in my experience) often focuses on 'high tariff' pupils rather than those affected by their actions and I want the OP to be prepared.

If the school is stupid enough to refer to the boy's learning difficulties, the OP can express sympathy as suggested above but should be firm in stating that her daughter is at school in order to be educated in a safe environment and not as a socialisation tool for the boy. The emphasis for the OP is on what the school is going to do to safeguard her daughter and to deal with her trauma.

I'm assuming that the OP will be mentioning that she heard about the incident from another parent. Therefore, it's obvious that this is of concern to other parents.

As a middle manager, I once had to deal with a situation where a boy with profound difficulties was masturbating in class. The school was being pressurised by the Education Authority. The EA was being pressurised by the boy's parents who wanted him in a mainstream class when it was obvious that we could not cope with his needs.

I wrote a factual report describing what had happened. The incident was mitigated slightly by the fact that all the girls were elsewhere that day. (I was in class, as was the boy's assistant.) However, the other boys were aware of what had happened and had commented.

I made a point of stating that I was very concerned at the possible impact of a repetition of the incident when the girls were in class and pointed out that the EA risked facing legal action from parents.

In the end, the parents claimed that the boy had only been scratching, but agreed that he could return to the specialist environment where he'd previously been educated.

Before I retired, teachers had to report worrying incidents to the school Child Protection Officer (one of our deputes). He would then decide whether to call in SS or the police. (The latter happened when an adult contacted two of our pupils.)

Would be worth asking what the procedure is at your daughter's school, OP. If the boy in your daughter's class is exhibiting sexualised behaviour, it can be a sign of abuse.

Again, I'll emphasise that your concern is for your daughter. The school should not give you information about any referrals that they've made about the boy, but it won't go amiss if you show knowledge of how things should be dealt with.

Schools are scared of "pushy" [translation: "assertive"] parents.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 14/03/2025 03:22

The first reply is absolutely batshit OP. Of course your daughter should be moved after the finger incident. We’ve got to stop teaching girls that violence against them is ok if the person can’t help it, it is so damaging. I would complain in writing about the exposure I would be furious that they haven’t informed you about this.

Stirabout · 14/03/2025 03:23

I would talk to the head of the school asap. In fact maybe sit and wait to be seen tomorrow as I consider this an urgent matter that has not been dealt with

Your child has been hurt and
he exposed himself to her ( mention to the head how traumatised dd was )

There really needs to be no other reason for your dd to be moved immediately and I’d be really angry that the teacher didn’t tell you after the boy exposed himself. Had your friend not told you your dd could have been dealing with that all alone and too embarrassed to tell you

Why not sit with your daughter whilst you wait to speak to someone tomorrow. I appreciate school staff are all very busy but aren’t we all and the least they can do is keep your daughter safe and protected whilst she is in their care and they have responsibility for her.

Merrygoround8 · 14/03/2025 03:44

I would email the teacher copying the head re the flashing. It’s very serious.

My child accidentally saw another child’s privates at school, told the TA when she came out the loo and they took it really seriously! Calmly but distinctly separated the children to gently ask what had happened to ensure their versions matched (that it was clearly an accident), checked my daughter was okay, told me, followed up with both parents, and also spoke with all kids about the importance of privates and remembering to fully pull our trousers up before chatting!

They did all this in a way that didn’t alarm the children or make them think they had done anything wrong but also emphasising how important it was to keep our parts covered and tell the teachers if not.

horrified this happened in a class and the teacher did literally nothing?!!!

WutheredOut · 14/03/2025 03:56

1SillySossij · 13/03/2025 23:43

I would definitely speak to the teacher about the flashing incident, but you don't get to dictate where your child sits and who she sits with.

Of course she can dictate who her child sits with - I would be contacting the head and telling them the current situation is affecting her education and it needs to be resolved

Being sat next to a disruptive child is distracting and as a parent you have to be able to stand up for your child’s right to learn

Frenchbluesea · 14/03/2025 04:45

I’m a teacher and advise you report this, including not being informed by the teacher, to the designated safeguarding lead immediately.
And as a side note I have to agree that usually parents can’t dictate where their child sits as, as I’m sure you can imagine, it can cause issues. However, parents should always inform teachers if their child sits next to someone who hurts them and request they are moved.

whippy1981 · 14/03/2025 05:22

Namechangeagain225 · 14/03/2025 00:01

Thank you so much for replying. The fact that the teacher didn't even tell me about the incident makes me wonder if I'll be fobbed off by her. I also feel like she is getting away with not doing anything apart from calmly telling him to put his trousers back up.

Depends on the context of the situation. If he was doing it intentionally to show her then yes that is a problem. If they were getting changed for PE next to each other at their desks and he pulled his undies down by mistake then that would warrant her calmly telling him to put his pants back on. Context is everything.

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