Incident at school

[Namechangeagain225]

I am in need of some advise please as I am really upset and am not sure what i should do. My dd is in y2 and they've sat her next to a child who has special needs. I do not know the full extent of his needs, but I know he has a lot of health issues. He is behind in work apparently, he used to always be sat at the table where children needed more help with learning. Since the last term they stopped grouping children according to how well they perform. They've mixed all the children. I found out from a mum that this boy has dropped his trousers and showed his bits to to my daughter. When I queried this from my daughter she seemed to have been traumatised by this, she started crying and almost shivering , thinking she had done something wrong because she saw his bits. She then told me that he was facing her and he dropped his trousers and was looking down. Both my dd and the dd of this mum who told me about this said the teacher witnessed what happened. The teacher just told him to put his trousers back up. I wasn't informed of this by the teacher , and my dd didn't tell me either, until I asked her tonight. During the parent consultation which took place before half term , I had already asked for my dd to be moved as there was an incident where this boy hurt my dd by grabbing something off her, and it caused a deep cut on her finger. When we returned from half term break , they still hadn't moved my dd or him. For context, my dd doesn't have any siblings so hasn't seen boy bits before. I am really annoyed with the school that they are not taking this as seriously as they probably should be. What should I do? Speak to the headteacher? Email the headteacher? Also, this child disrupts my dds learning. He is constatly copying from her and my dd ends up having to teach him. I feel like the class teacher finds it convenient to keep her sat next to him ,so she can do part of the TAs job. I am really annoyed by this all. I dont want children flashing at my dd. What would you do?

OP some PPs have given unpleasant responses, you're right to be worried and raise this. The kids actions and SEN don't make him a monster but everyone's needing some support here and he will need support to be able to be in the class.

Firstly, your DD will be OK with your love and support..it's clearly shaken her. I'm sure you've already told her but make it clear she should always tell you if something upsetting happens to her. 3 weeks is a long time to hold this in. Also.use the right terminology.

Follow the steps PPs who know about school advised. You could speak to the class teacher first? but maybe, there's no satisfaction to be got there as they already withheld this incident (I think? is that right) So yes, contact the Head. The flash and the cut ( 🙁) and the expecting DD to teach him (depending how extensive this is) aren't OK and the school should assess and mitigate the risk as well as support both kids. Your DD has to know she's being heard.

I know PPs have expressed anger about raising it because of all the pressure on teachers but this doesn't seem to have been fully dealt with from what you've said.

However the girl was exposed to a sexual act and has clearly been distressed by that.

She’s been exposed to a 6 year old penis, unless there’s something I’m missing there was no sexual act, just a boy stripping off where he shouldn’t. We’ve really lost sight of normal development in children and behaviours they need to be taught out of.

The boy exposing himself to your DD is most definitely a safeguarding incident. It happened to my DD when she was in year 2 and myself and the boy's mother were called immediately to tell us that it had happened and how it was dealt with. I also have a DS so my DD was not overly traumatised by the incident but I can see how those without may be upset.

The school is wrong trying to minimise this incident and I would be going to see the head teacher immediately. In my case, I wasn't overly alarmed by such an incident as the school took it seriously (they have to nowadays, not so much years ago) and I'm aware what some kids can be like when they are being silly. In this instance the boy also has special needs which may or may not have played it's part.

With regards to your DD sitting next to this boy in class, in my experience of primary, they tend to sit the less able and disruptive children next to the more able and compliant children so the latter can be a good influence. If your child is not enjoying sitting next to this boy I would have a word with her class teacher. They do tend to rotate seating arrangements quite a lot.

I think describing this as flashing is incorrect. My niece, for example, would not react to this because she is very used to her 3 year old brother taking off his clothes at home and wandering around naked. It simply sounds as if this child is developmentally at that sort of stage. It's a shame your child thinks it's so shameful to see what 50% of the population has.

The school and you don't actually know this for sure.

It may be normal behaviour. It may be a sign of issues at home.

The problem is precisely that they can't tell the difference and can't automatically dismiss it as 'not a sexual act'. It's probably not but it still may cause distress to another child too who may understand it as being 'bad' quite rightly.

Whatever the views and debate is about the flashing/sexual assault/it's only a boys penis/it's safeguarding/it's normal - the fact is that the girl was shaken by it and needs to know it won't be on repeat and the the school adults have heard her and helped her.

Hi OP, I hope you can set up some clear communication with the school as it seems as if at the moment the lack of communication has caused you to lose trust in them, not surprisingly.
There is an absolute crisis in schools currently to do with the shortage of specialist provision for children with SEND. The number of children with SEND and the severity of their issues has increased massively. Funding and provision has not.
In my school we have many children who are unable to fully access learning, our local authority insist there are no places that can meet their needs. We are a regular mainstream school and we face the same funding problems ourselves. In effect the incident your daughter witnessed is the outcome of this crisis.
I expect the little boy's needs are not being met in the classroom and your daughter and others are negatively impacted.
None of this of course is your fault and of course your daughter should not be subject to unpleasant disruption, I doubt the school has an easy fix. However I have seen advice from a professional in a similar case which said the boy should be in an all boys school!
The long term solution is an increase in general taxation and a huge investment in creating special school places.
In the meantime good luck speaking to the school they may already have some plans they haven't shared with parents which might be helpful. But ultimately you may need to consider options outside of this school, I hope it doesn't come to that.

Who witnessed it though, and who told you about it? Presumably it was a child in the classroom who seems to be giving a very detailed, thorough account, which is not my experience of children of that age.

I think you might be in danger of making much more of this incident than is necessary, especially when you haven’t even spoken to the staff yet who were actually there and are adults. Don’t unnecessarily make your child a victim unless you have extremely good reasons for doing so, as it won’t be helpful for her.

Vile comment, would you put up with this if a colleague at work exposed his private parts to you? Not sure you'd be laughing then...

A colleague at work is fully adult, aware of their behaviours and would be acting with intent to harm. This isn’t that.

I am not saying that its the case here but some teachers put disruptive boys next to quiet well behaved girls as a behaviour management strategy.
Its outdated and unfair

Exactly. Which is why even if the intention of the boy was completely innocent, it remains a serious incident because there are two parties involved.

Have a meeting with school. Take a written list. Follow up with an email.

is your daughter otherwise happy in school with friends. If not it is an easy call to move.

Unfortunately some teachers do use other DC to do the work of the TA in a class.

There was a really disruptive DC in my son's class when he was about 6. This child was so badly behaved that other parents removed their DC from the school because his mum was so aggressive and selfish with only his needs in mind, that they got nowhere.

At the end of one year the DC's mum came to me and said the reason why he was so badly behaved was because he didn't have DC he liked in his class. What she actually meant was that her son had picked on some DC, and instead of being scared, intimidated and running off crying, they gave him a taste of his own medicine. One of these was my friend's son, who handed him his arse on a plate and she gave his mum a dressing down in a joint meeting with the head. After this the disruptive DC's mum went to the head and demanded that her son be placed with 5 DC of her selection. My DS was on this list as a person who "has a calming affect" on her DS. Actually her DS had picked on mine and he was too nice to retaliate.

As soon as I heard this I walked into that heads office and I went ballistic. My DS was not in his class the following term, and his mum got pissed off with me.

What I am trying to tell you here is that you arrange to meet with the head and you tell them that your DC is not a pacifier for this badly behaved DC and they are not sitting next to them and you want them in a different class to yours next year.

The only way you stop a bully (not saying this DC is), or you stop your child from being on the receiving end of disrupted learning is to KICK UP A STINK.

Yes they do and it happened throughout my DDs Primary years, it's really not fair, my DD is very quiet and compliant it caused her nothing but stress.

@Namechangeagain225 Firstly there is a process to deal with this incident, you speak to the class teacher and then the HT, this will be set out in the schools complaints procedure, you may not consider it a complaint atm, but it may become one. As you will be aware the teacher cannot tell you what action is being taken regarding the boy, but that action has been taken.

Next, pls call it a penis and not a willy, there is a reason that children are taught the proper words for body parts, it means that when there is an incident, they can name part accurately when asked to describe what has happened.

I would also be asking for one of the children to move table/desks after the incidents that you have described, what you have said should be sufficient to make this happen

Finally considering keeping your child at home is really not a proportionate response to the current situation, talking to staff and seeking reassurance about what has happened is.

Her daughter has been hurt and flashed at by this boy. She could report this to the police.

In this situation she certainly gets to dictate who sits beside her daughter and if the school is this unhelpful my next step would be a visit to the police.

If there are no consequences for this boy then I am afraid this could escalate.

It's so unfair on the well behaved, quiet hardworking children, to have to endure this disruption next to them. @Namechangeagain225 Well done for advocating for your daughter. Do as @WearyAuldWumman suggests.

What about the disruptive girls ? Do they put them beside the quiet well behaved boys ? Or the quiet well behaved girls ?

it’s outdated to label girls as quiet and boys as disruptive.

Whilst I don’t necessarily agree with the sentiment in that post, you are using false equivalence. A small child is not in any way the same as a grown man and should not be equated.
Given that the OP hasn’t even talked to the school yet to get the actual details, and not those given by one of the other children’s parents, who presumably wasn’t even in the classroom, there seems to be a huge rush to judgment by some posters. There has to be an element of trust between schools and parents, and only if that trust has been broken or compromised should anything be escalated.

Really upsetting situation for you and your daughter, made worse by some of the posters on this thread.

Would moving schools be an option? I would seriously consider this. If it's not an option, I would raise hell at the school itself. Right now it's more convenient for them to ignore you and let the situation persist, which is getting worse for your daughter.

If you can't move your daughter to a different school, I would consider making yourself THAT parents, so that they will face consequences for their failure to intervene when they really should.

It would be outdated I agree
But nowhere have I said ALL boys are disruptive or ALL girls are quiet.
I am stating what often happens, you seem to have misunderstood. I don't know what they do with disruptive girls as I didn't have one, nor do I have a quiet boy

There is absolutely no context given in this senrio...and yet people are piling on!

A mother that receives info that her small daughter saw another childs willy 3 weeks ago and is traumatised? Really?

Did Little Rupert run around the school hall waving his willy during PE?
or did he simply pull his trousers down when changing for said PE and his underpants came down as well?

Its already been said that he has difficulties- maybe they are not the most fitted underpants to enable him to toilet independantly- so many reasons why this MAY have happened without any malice whatsoever.

Blimey how many small girls can pull their tights down without their knickers slipping too? i s that the same? if not why not?

I do wonder in what world a 6 year old girl has never seen the difference between a boy and girl- and is traumatised when they find out!

Maybe the little girl is upset and shaking because she thinks she has done something wrong- in not telling her mother she'd seen a willy ( shock horror!!) which in actual fact the maybe only glimpsed and didnt even think about

\what a world we live in

Absolute rubbish. This child is injuring op child and is causing disruption to her education and well being. He has allegedly flashed at her too. The school have to safeguard her and right now, they are not. So the op must step in.
Op you don’t have to go in all guns blazing but I’d be asking for a meeting.

How do you know so much about this rule then ? It doesn’t really sound like you know much about it if you are just basing it on your experience of your own children and haven’t actually worked in a school or anything. That’s a very small sample size