Incident at school

[Namechangeagain225]

I am in need of some advise please as I am really upset and am not sure what i should do. My dd is in y2 and they've sat her next to a child who has special needs. I do not know the full extent of his needs, but I know he has a lot of health issues. He is behind in work apparently, he used to always be sat at the table where children needed more help with learning. Since the last term they stopped grouping children according to how well they perform. They've mixed all the children. I found out from a mum that this boy has dropped his trousers and showed his bits to to my daughter. When I queried this from my daughter she seemed to have been traumatised by this, she started crying and almost shivering , thinking she had done something wrong because she saw his bits. She then told me that he was facing her and he dropped his trousers and was looking down. Both my dd and the dd of this mum who told me about this said the teacher witnessed what happened. The teacher just told him to put his trousers back up. I wasn't informed of this by the teacher , and my dd didn't tell me either, until I asked her tonight. During the parent consultation which took place before half term , I had already asked for my dd to be moved as there was an incident where this boy hurt my dd by grabbing something off her, and it caused a deep cut on her finger. When we returned from half term break , they still hadn't moved my dd or him. For context, my dd doesn't have any siblings so hasn't seen boy bits before. I am really annoyed with the school that they are not taking this as seriously as they probably should be. What should I do? Speak to the headteacher? Email the headteacher? Also, this child disrupts my dds learning. He is constatly copying from her and my dd ends up having to teach him. I feel like the class teacher finds it convenient to keep her sat next to him ,so she can do part of the TAs job. I am really annoyed by this all. I dont want children flashing at my dd. What would you do?

As above, are you sure it was intentional? As the above poster suggests, that would determine the response. As a teacher of 6 year olds myself, I have occasionally had children who have returned from the toilet with pants half done and when they have tried to sort this, have accidentally exposed themselves. I would not then be ‘punishing’ them and telling the parents of all of the other children who may have seen. Same with changing for PE. Obviously that would be dealt with differently to a child intentionally flashing repeatedly. As one of these ‘overworked’ teachers, I would give them the opportunity to explain to you what happened by asking them before you go all guns blazing to the headteacher quoting safeguarding concerns.

This is something I'd definitely kick up about. Try to resolve it via email, escalate it and then start knocking on doors and confronting people directly.

It's far too much hassle for them to push back compared with moving your daughter, so keep pushing till you get your way.

I would react the same way as you OP, but moving the boy next to someone else is only shifting the problem onto an other child… and then another. Is that fair?

The boy’s behaviour and needs are the real issue, not where your daughter sits. Being ND is one thing, but what if he is also facing abuse at home leading to this sexualised behaviour? I wish I had some answers but I don’t!

This! You’re all frothing at the mouth without actually knowing what happened. It happened weeks ago and you found out through gossip. Your child then said it happened and was ‘shaking’. It all feels dramatic and others here are whipping you up.
Yes - go to the teacher and asked what happened and then take it from there.

Honestly, I think posters need to chill out and this is the second time I’ve said this in relation to a school incident on MN in the last 24 hours.

People are putting adult intentions onto a year 2 child, so what, six or seven? And one with special needs as well so may be even younger than that in regards to maturity. Kids do silly stuff with bums and willies. I am pretty sure I’d have dealt with it exactly as the teacher did: just told him to pull his trousers up and not to be silly. It really isn’t some sexually loaded crime and it’s a bit concerning people are comparing it to an assault.

I don’t want to be horrible about a child but @Namechangeagain225 DDs reaction is very extreme; even if she hasn’t got brothers or cousins or whatever, it’s still just a little boy being a bit silly; nothing to be traumatised over.

The sitting the children together - if she’s unhappy then it’s worth a conversation, but I do think we have to bear in mind it takes a lot of ingredients to make a meal and your average primary school classroom will have children reading books meant for children ten years older, children mastering grade 5 violin and children who can barely write their name and all the variations in between. It isn’t good practice and it isn’t particularly pleasant or inclusive moreover to put a child with special needs on his own. Generally I do find the gap with severe special needs starts to really widen at this age: however that’s not to say it should be dealt with by isolation

I think the more parents act precious and behave as if something terrible has happened the more children will. I have a four year old boy who ‘flashed’ (inadvertently) when he misunderstood the instruction to get changed for PE; I don’t know whether to be amused or disturbed by the fact that he apparently sexually assaulted numerous girls in the class when he did so!

Stop talking all that sense @justlookatours .

What?! A child hasn’t been sexually molested! Not even close.

My god, the world has gone mad. We’re talking about 6/7 year old children, and one with what sounds like quite severe needs who probably has no idea that he’s not meant to drop his pants on public.

OP, just speak to the teacher to find out what actually happened.

I also worry at the severity of your daughters response to this. “…she started crying and almost shivering , thinking she had done something wrong because she saw his bits.” Really?! That’s a very extreme reaction to seeing another small child naked. We seem to have somehow made children terrified of nakedness in our attempt to keep them safe from people who might hurt them. There’s a huge difference between a naked 6 year old and a fully grown man dropping his pants in front of a child. We take my daughter swimming every week and the female changing room is full of naked women and naked little boys. It’s perfectly normal.

I can share an example of how my DD’s school handled a similar incident when she was in the infants. The deputy head/designated safeguarding lead called me immediately to tell me about the incident, in the middle of the school day, and told me what steps they were taking to increase supervision of the other child. I didn’t think much more of it however when I gently enquired with DD what had happened she gave some additional details that suggested the incident was more concerning that originally suggested to me by the school. I let the school know what DD had said. They got back to me straight away about further steps they would be taking to increase supervision even more, and (inappropriately, as it was none of my business!) told me they’d be making a referral to children’s services. The kid left the school within a couple of months though I don’t know if that was connected.

That’s the level of communication I’d be expecting from a school that took such incidents seriously, as they should.

This post is horrible.

My daughter was “flashed” on 3 different occasions by 3 different children at primary. It’s not a big deal. Little kids are learning boundaries.

His need status is irrelevant. If he didn’t have needs would you be ok with it? Or still reacting with this level of drama?

Your entire post screams ableism and unkindness looking for any reason to get your daughter away from the horrible Sen kid.

Your bigger concern is why your daughter had such a concerning extreme reaction to your grilling her. Because it wasn’t the incident. You didn’t even know there had been an incident. You caused the distress.

What should you do? Learn to use paragraphs for a start.

Completely agree.

@WearyAuldWumman

It’s interesting how things have changed.

I’m facing a situation where mainstream attempted to ‘push out’ my child with SEN before DC started school. DC is bright, achieving and no behavioural issues. He gets additional funding from the LA, but barely a fraction of the provision that’s supposed to fund.

When I taught years ago, I had no TA, no computer, a blackboard, books rather jazzy worksheets. One year I had a child with a statement (as they used to be called). I also had a TA for the first time because of this. She was absolutely lovely, and I ensured her time was spent on supporting the child with the statement. That’s what she was being paid to do by the Local Authority!

Things in schools have changed dramatically, I’m not sure it’s for the best. Particularly when supporting the vulnerable or victims of - I’d prefer to state the school’s inadequacy - rather than blaming the child.

This

I would react the same way as you OP, but moving the boy next to someone else is only shifting the problem onto an other child… and then another. Is that fair?

The boy’s behaviour and needs are the real issue, not where your daughter sits. Being ND is one thing, but what if he is also facing abuse at home leading to this sexualised behaviour? I wish I had some answers but I don’t!

Do some research. This is not sexualised behaviour. Learning to wear clothes and all those socially imposed boundaries are confusing for kids. Particularly at the time when they’re also learning bodies are different.

Comparing it to adult behaviour and accusing.children of sexualised behaviour based on adult standards is ridiculous. This is not a big deal. At all.

Because they are children and their brains aren't fully developed to understand fully or make the right choices

It’s actually vile the more I read it.

Yes speak to the teacher. Remember the flashing incident while inappropriate isn’t sexual. What was frightening for your dd? It sounds like it was poorly managed if your dd felt scared or it’s possible there is more to the story I would want the full story first hand. It’s not your dds responsibility to manage this boy if you ask the teacher should move her otherwise go to the head.

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to say (albeit in a less direct way).

the fact that OP learnt about this incident via a mother of another child (I mean, she wasn’t there to witness it) and OP somehow has a massive problem with just asking the damn teacher about what happened and gets defensive at the sheer suggestion that she should do so is bonkers!

I agree with other posters that her DCs reaction seems wild too hence why more information is needed.

OP keeps saying things like ‘I don’t want to speak to the teacher as she’s going to minimise it’ ‘she will just fob me off’. You’re already winding yourself up by making up a story in your head of how this isn’t going to be dealt with without even trying!!! Nuts.

whatever may or may not happen, there is a complaints / escalation process like in any institution- speak to the teacher first, then the head should you need to, so on and so on. You can’t just bypass a whole chain and go straight to social services / governors without knowing what happened!!! 😂 lunacy

Wow! Are you actually serious?! She is entitled to not have her daughter hurt in school and not have her shown a boys private parts!. What is wrong with you!. The child needs to attend a special school or have a 1-1 at all times if his needs are so severe!

While I absolutely agree you raise it with school and prioritise your daughter's safety, I urge you to be factual for your own peace of mind. The word "flashed" is highly loaded. This is a very young boy with potential disabilities and your knowledge of the incident lacks context. Sometimes children do this because they lack communication skills and are trying to avoid following a request, sometimes they might do it to indicate they need to visit the toilet. He sits beside your daughter so the fact it was in front of her may just be incidental. If your daughter was helped to understand the context it may make her feel less distressed by the original incident.

Please know I am not dismissing the impact, your daughter's needs are equally important to this boy's, but I think nuance can help here. It goes without saying that if he has a pattern of deliberately showing his genitals to people that it requires intervention to a. Help him understand why this is wrong and/or b.put in practical measures to reduce the risk and c. Determine whether there is a need this is expressing that could be met in a different way.

Best of luck.

No, he doesn’t.

He needs to be guided as to what is appropriate.

He needs to be treated with kindness and with respect.

He may need one to one assistance, he may need to go to a special school; I don’t know. I do know he absolutely should not get either on the basis of this incident. It’s a horrible attitude.

Are you ok? 😂

I suspect that just calmly telling him is to limit the attention he gets from doing it rather than giving lots of attention to it which could make it reoccur

It is not her childs responsibility to teach him that and her daughter should not be impacted by his needs. He needs a 1-1 to guide him. The teacher cannot do it while teaching the class. I have a childvwith special needs too .