What do I say to Friend who hasn't contacted me for 15 months

[snakeface]

Just got a bright and breezy message from friend of 10+ years who ghosted me since Jan 2024. Saying it's been too long and they would like a catch up if I fancy it.

Through most of our friendship I was v supportive of her as she was in a terrible relationship with her emotionally and financially abusive partner. She finally left just before COVID, again I thought I was supportive.
She was always a bit flaky, making arrangements to meet then cancelling at the very last minute. In fact I had stopped making dates that included our children because mine would be very disappointed when they came to nothing. I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her.
She met someone new in 2023, which I thought was brilliant, no one deserved happiness more, but I soon realised that I was no longer needed or wanted in the picture. Maybe she only had time for so many people? Or that I reminded her of the bad old times with her ex. Or she didn't want to introduce me to her new partner.
Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.
Her latest message was today. How do I say I wish her well but it's been too long. She obviously didn't value our friendship as much as I did and she only messes me about when we did use to meet up, without sounding petulant or bitter or like the door mat I know I was?
I really wish she hadn't bothered, I was more or less over the friendship break up before this message

If it were me she’d get a thumbs up emoji. 😄. But if you’re feeling charitable, go with a non committal acknowledgment. “Lovely yo hear from you, hope you’ve been well”. X

Hmm I wonder if she’s broken up with her new fella and needs her support friend.

I’d say something noncommittal and let it fizzle out.

Well, depends how much you would like to rekindle things. Did you not contact her at all either during this time?

Her new (2023) relationship has hit the skids and she wants someone - you - to listen to her whining and moaning, I can guarantee it.

I wouldn’t reply. Fuck her.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that you think it's been too long if that's how you feel.

Leave her on read and reply in 2026 with a thumbs up emoji

I guess you also haven’t contacted her for that length of time.
Has she been having trouble in her life?
it’s great she is now making the effort to resume the friendship.

You don't need to respond to it.

If she's dropped you many times before, and you don't want to re-open old wounds, it's probably best to ignore and mute, if you don't want to block,

Ignore.

What effort did you make in the last 15 months? Maybe she thinks you ghosted her and she is putting herself out there getting in touch. Take time and be cautious if you need to be but I wouldn't be quite so quick to cut someone off if they've made contact out of the blue.

I wouldn't respond, or I'd certainly give myself time to see how I feel about it. She's not contacted you since you sent birthday wishes over a year ago if I've read it right, so I can completely understand if you've decided to call it a day. She really can't just expect to pick you back up as though nothing has changed.

Reply

'Who?'

Then block.

I have kind of had this - except no acknowkedgement of the time that had passed

Also no acknowledgement of the messages I had sent trying to check everything was okay

I think she contacted me partly because her birthday was coming up though she wasn't bothered about that the previous year

Anyway, I didn't reply. I thought about it, but I was angry and it was just her trying to get in touch because she's bored and wants to let me down again. She has been flaky and unreliable. I will be judging this kind of thing much more carefully in future.

She can't complain that I haven't replied. She's really not in a position to complain about that. If she had even said something as simple as "sorry I haven't been in touch" it might been worth a conversation. But as it stands, I'm not here to be pissed about again.

Depends.

you wished her happy birthday.

she didn’t reply.

what happened next?

what happened before?

Either do a thumbs up or don't reply at all.

New phone - who dis?

To summarise. I would leave her on 'read' and not respond. Sounds like you're not bothered about her anyway @snakeface and are 'over' her. (Not a criticism by the way.)

I wouldn’t respond because I’ve had friends do this, come back, only to ghost again.

Not anymore.

Just delete the message and her phone number so you are not tempted to reply another time. She does nit sound like she has behaved like a good friend. She can only treat you how you allow her to, so if you step away she has no choice but to accept that.

But you haven't contacted her either?

In a vaguely similar situation I replied that she'd clearly moved on, and that was fine, but I wished her well. Then received a snarky reply lol, so that finally drew a line under a nearly forty year friendship (during which I was picked up and dropped quite often when other "more interesting" new friends came along).

OP contacted her last. She sent a birthday card, and the 'friend' couldn't be arsed to even respond, let alone thank her. Why should she keep chasing her?

Its hard to say, I have a friend who hasn't been in touch with me for a couple of years now even though I made a few attempts to get in touch, send cards and so on. I was left feeling like a bit of a chump and that I'd been phased out for not being quite cool enough, they'd in recent years been critical of my work, my home and where I went on holiday and not going on enough fun days out.

If they got back in touch tomorrow I'd probably give them a chance but I'd probably have my guard up a bit and not expect too much to be honest but would at least hear them out as you never know their could be extenuating circumstances.

Because she has no idea the card even arrived and it may well have arrived with a load of others and been missed. If she wants to drop the friendship do it but don't pretend this is the whole reason.