What do I say to Friend who hasn't contacted me for 15 months

[snakeface]

Just got a bright and breezy message from friend of 10+ years who ghosted me since Jan 2024. Saying it's been too long and they would like a catch up if I fancy it.

Through most of our friendship I was v supportive of her as she was in a terrible relationship with her emotionally and financially abusive partner. She finally left just before COVID, again I thought I was supportive.
She was always a bit flaky, making arrangements to meet then cancelling at the very last minute. In fact I had stopped making dates that included our children because mine would be very disappointed when they came to nothing. I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her.
She met someone new in 2023, which I thought was brilliant, no one deserved happiness more, but I soon realised that I was no longer needed or wanted in the picture. Maybe she only had time for so many people? Or that I reminded her of the bad old times with her ex. Or she didn't want to introduce me to her new partner.
Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.
Her latest message was today. How do I say I wish her well but it's been too long. She obviously didn't value our friendship as much as I did and she only messes me about when we did use to meet up, without sounding petulant or bitter or like the door mat I know I was?
I really wish she hadn't bothered, I was more or less over the friendship break up before this message

I'd bet my last pot of face cream she's just broken up with the man she met. Or he's broken up with her. And she wants you to be her support human again.

I wouldn't reply.

The OP said:

Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.

I took that as text/WhatsApp, not a physical card.

We need to know what she said or we can't really comment.

Of course the card arrived. The 'friend' just couldn't be fucked to respond and thank the OP. Now she wants contact again because she's probably a bit friendless and bored. Shame. OP needs to ignore her and block her.

This has happened to me too with a couple of friends some years ago. Drifted off after some years of being friends - and couldn't be arsed to contact me/respond to emails and (written) letters from me, so I thought 'well fuck off then.'

Then about a year after my last contact to them (and about a year and a half after theirs to me,) I got 'oh hi how are you BatchCookBabe???' Haven't spoken for a while have we? Must get together soon.' This would be via letter (or email or text.) I got back in touch, all was OK for 1-2 years, then they stopped contact with me again. 3 or 4 letters, and several emails later (over 8-9 months) and nothing from them. NOTHING.

Then about a year after my last contact I would get a text or email saying, 'oh hello again BatchCookBabe! We MUST catch up!' Then the same thing happened, I responded, we were mates again for a year or two and then they ghosted me again... So eventually, (by the 3rd time,) I just ignored them, and ignored them. Even blocked their number... Then they contacted me on Facebook, so I blocked them on there.

Both of them (1.5 to 2 years after I blocked them,) tried to contact me via an old mutual acquaintance/old friend, to see what had happened and why I hadn't got back in touch...' Said person said 'here's their phone number, get in touch, they want to meet up!' OR 'you need to contact them, they've been trying to make contact with you.' I said 'oh yes of course...' Then just threw the phone number away. I don't get treated like shit over and over. Fuck that shit. They actually seemed annoyed that I ignored them, over and over. Yet that's what they did to me. At least twice!

The only time these 2 friends (separate ones who didn't know each other) got in touch was when they wanted to brag about something. New car, new man, new house, new job. When their life started to get a bit basic, and not how they wanted it, when they had just been dumped/became single, when they were broke and in a shit job, they didn't stay in touch with me. I believe they were a bit resentful of me being happily married, with a nice home, lovely children, a decent job, and a nice car. As soon as they got at least 3 of those things, they wanted to be friends again. Nah mate. Fuck off.

@snakeface I just remembered, there was a thread about this by a poster who also has emerald in her name. It might be helpful to you.

I sound really pathetic, but I ended up doing some reading around the subject because a few people have done it to me. I have learned some helpful things. Someone asked me for links and sadly I don't have any, but I remember that thread as being quite helpful.

@BatchCookBabe it was actually your comment that reminded me of the thread. I think it's because a lot of people on that thread have experiences where people want to come back as if nothing has happened. I read one study - a psychologist did a study into ghosting and friendships and he said that it was quite common for the ghoster to feel they had not done anything wrong. So they were quite likely to approach you if they saw you in the street and just say "oh I haven't seen you for ages - we must meet up". I actually think that takes a hell of a big ego, to ignore several messages and then forget that you've done it.

Either that or you don't really mean anything to the person. Either way, the result of trying to forgive a ghoster isn't likely to be good.

I’d probably reply ‘I have not heard from you in a long time .’ No questions. See what she replies, take it from there.

Honestly OP it sounds like you don't like this person very much, so there's no point pretending. It sounds to me like she's had a tough time and took space to sort herself out. If it were me, I would hear her out before deciding what to do. But it sounds like you've already made up your mind, so just send her a quick message saying you hope she's doing well but you're not looking to rekindle the friendship.

Ignore her.

As others have already commented her relationship might have ended and she is trying to get your support back.

Thank you @EmeraldRoulette Some interesting information there...

And yeah, the ego of some people. Just treat people like shit and then act as if nothing has happened!

I find the responses really interesting because I don't think I'd feel offended if someone took that long to reply. Presumably you were just chatting and she wasn't sure what to reply with next. I often really struggle in online chats as opposed to online.

Me and my friends regularly go over a month without replying and then the conversation just continues. It's stressful having to constantly think of replies in an online chat.

I really doubt she was being malicious.

This sort of thing is quite sad isn’t it. I haven’t seen a very close friend in years now. Contact just dwindled slowly over time. I looked back at messages recently and realised everything in the last 5 years started with me. She always replied but it was always me instigating. And just pleasantries exchanged, we haven’t actually spoken properly in person for 5 years. I have realised I was sending happy birthday messages but my birthday, after hers, has been missed for the past 3 years. There’s been no contact since my last happy birthday message to her 6 months ago, and last contact before that was 10 months prior, again me contacting to say hello. 30 yr friendship, but I guess it’s time to let it go.

Its really up to you if you want to rekindle.

Personally, i dont take things like this personal.

Im not great at expressing my feelings due to past trauma and sometimes when im going through a difficult time i avoid everyone as i find it difficult to say im struggling and would rather pop back up when i feel i can be a good friend and not miserable and a burden.

My friends dont take it personally because life gets in the way sometimes.

A month? You and your friends don't communicate for a MONTH? That's nothing. Me and mine don't either sometimes. Life just gets in the way. But 15 months is taking the piss. Especially after the OP's 'friend' couldn't be arsed to thank her for her birthday card. And hasn't contacted her since. (Until today.) The OP needs to just block her now, because as I and several others have said, she will do the same again. And the OP sounds like she is over this 'friend' anyway.

I think sometimes the gap between communications can get so long that there's nothing there anymore.

I would be tempted to reply - life gets weird sometimes and friendships occasionally have breaks. its happened to me a few times and there has always been a reason for it which I learned later. Not to do with me, but with things in their lives.

^^ This

If you get something out of the flakey relationship/enjoy listening to her fucked up life, suggest a meet up for coffee or something. Otherwise ghost her, thumbs up, or “Oh, yes, we must do something. I’ll check my schedule.” and get on with your life.

@Teaandtoastserveddaily it's 15 months, not 1
and OP says this friend has form
for being flaky

this reading on the subject helped me realise it's not personal, I suspect it never is. But it's still reasonable if people feel unwilling to reconnect.

I thought you were dead?

I just wouldn't respond tbh! Or say something like, ah yes hope you're doing ok, life is so busy over here - don't commit to any meet ups, and leave it at that. I had a friend who was extremely flaky to the point I stopped making any plans I couldn't easily change as I just knew she would cancel last minute, and she used to come up with all sorts of ridiculous stories about why she couldn't make it. My time is so precious to me, I just couldn't tolerate it any more so I just stopped making plans with her. I didn't stop talking to her, but stopped committing to any meet ups which naturally led to a loss of contact. I've never regretted it. I have good friends that do make time for me and I struggle to fit them in as it is!

Her source of cock must have up and left.

Do not reply.
Just ignore.

Something like this happened to me recently. Friend ignored me for ages because new friends came along, then messages me out of the blue suggesting a meet up. By that point I was angry and hurt and I was kind of annoyed because I felt like it put me in the wrong if I didn't reply. I'm still not sure what to do for the best. I just know that your friend may have a very different take on the situation OP. Is an honest conversation possible? (I'm too chicken to take my own advice!)

I wouldn't reply @CrescentMoonLanding I have been in that situation (as I said further back,) given people a couple of chances and then ignored their further attempts to reconnect. Completely blocked them from my life. No regrets. #sorrynotsorry

Oh gosh..I'm in my 50s and am getting sentimental and reconnecting with old friends whom I haven't seen in ages!
Life just gets in the way, especially if they don't live close by.

Is your friend my friend?

My friend of a similar description just messaged me after about a year of ghosting saying she’d had a baby.

Cool 🤷‍♀️ Exchanged a couple of messages with her where she basically said how great her life was and left her on read.

She lives down the road so no excuse to go awol really