What do I say to Friend who hasn't contacted me for 15 months

[snakeface]

Just got a bright and breezy message from friend of 10+ years who ghosted me since Jan 2024. Saying it's been too long and they would like a catch up if I fancy it.

Through most of our friendship I was v supportive of her as she was in a terrible relationship with her emotionally and financially abusive partner. She finally left just before COVID, again I thought I was supportive.
She was always a bit flaky, making arrangements to meet then cancelling at the very last minute. In fact I had stopped making dates that included our children because mine would be very disappointed when they came to nothing. I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her.
She met someone new in 2023, which I thought was brilliant, no one deserved happiness more, but I soon realised that I was no longer needed or wanted in the picture. Maybe she only had time for so many people? Or that I reminded her of the bad old times with her ex. Or she didn't want to introduce me to her new partner.
Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.
Her latest message was today. How do I say I wish her well but it's been too long. She obviously didn't value our friendship as much as I did and she only messes me about when we did use to meet up, without sounding petulant or bitter or like the door mat I know I was?
I really wish she hadn't bothered, I was more or less over the friendship break up before this message

OP I'm the kind of person who would reply and feel 'grateful' that the friend has got in touch. However, I think you can try too much and eventually you reach the point of 'why am I doing this?'.

I moved from my local area and many 'friends' ghosted me. Not even a birthday or Christmas text or hope your new place is nice etc.

Some of the replies here are fantastic. I truly wish I could leave someone on read for a year.

I think I would be tempted to reply - sorry new phone who is this - and see what happens. If you do agree to meet up make sure you have this as her one chance and unless she comes up with a great excuse walk away.

I went out to dinner with an ex friend and it wasn't until we were getting back into our cars after the meal that she asked how I was. When I was in hospital and then at home for a while few friends put int he effort to come and see me - one I has been to see just before I went into hospital after her hospital stay.

You can't keep giving and getting nothing back.

I don’t think leaving a gap of that long is a problem in itself, I have friends I only speak to maybe once a year at times and we pick up again, it’s how she’s treated you, flakiness etc in the past. I’d go non-committal but ask about the partner so you know if he’s still in the picture. “hi, all good here, how’s X”. Hopefully you get a reply that gives you a bigger picture. If she dumped him for being a creep probably OK, if she is whining because she’s been dumped or badly treated - give a wide berth, if they are still happy together, hmmm, maybe one meet up, but last chance with the flakiness, if she messes you around one more time that’s it and tell her so.

This is the problem for me as well, I dont like constant texts as it's suffocating. This is why I've disabled my "seen" and "read" activities, however it's still tricky. I've considered coming off WhatsApp entirely to discourage a friend who constantly texts and voice notes. I know I can choose when to respond, but even when I've taken my time, still there they are with an instant response 🤣 and then like you, I feel pushed /guilty to respond even though I don't feel that invested in the friendship.

If you would like to catch up with her just make sure she does all the running.
I would give it a week or so and then reply something like "Everything's good here. Catch up would be fun. Let me know when you are thinking of and I'll see if I can make it."
If you don't want to catch up then don't reply.

Snap. To all of this!!!

I'm so surprised by people who wouldn't consider a friendship damaged by not having heard anything from someone for so long, we're all so different! Someone would go into the "acquaintance" box for me, I don't want or need constant contact but I just lose affection for people who don't seem interested. I think I have a high bar for what I consider friendship, vs "someone I know"!

Blimey @ElleintheWoods , how can you avoid someone all the time, who lives 'down the road?' Or it it just an expression, is she like 2 miles away rather than 10 houses or so....?

A 'friend' does not ignore someone/make no contact for 15 months. A 'friend' does not receive a birthday card and ignore it/not thank the person who sent it, and a 'friend' does not go 15 months with no further contact, (after your last contact to them.) There is no 'rule' of course, what a silly thing to say, but you're deluded if you think anyone is a friend if they behave like the OP's 'friend.'

If it was me I’d say ‘it’s so lovely to hear from you’ and mean it but I don’t have an issue with people drifting in and out out my life.

Same here. A friend would drop onto the acquaintance list for me too, if they went a year at a time without responding to me. Indeed I would very likely ghost them/block them if it went on too long. That is my right. I don't tolerate being treated like shit. I have a very short fuse for shit like this.

See for me, a ‘friend’ does not set rules of engagement that you must meet in order to deserve your friendship.

OK - so wanting to be in contact with a friend say, every few weeks, (and meet up sometimes,) wanting them to respond to your messages (at least sometimes,) acknowledge a letter or birthday card you send, and not ignore you for 15 months, is 'a set of rules of engagement' is it?

LMFAO. 😂

Clearly we have TOTALLY different values, and ideas of what makes a FRIEND.

You do you hun.

Absolutely, my closest friends and I have similar values and have such a close bond. I don’t judge them for having lives outside of our friendship and we’ve been friends at a really deep level for decades. I do have other friends like you who I would count as stressful acquaintances.

I don't think anyone is judging anyone for having a life!

I think it's more that being ghosted is such a complex thing. If you literally don't hear from someone for months and they don't reply to any messages, you don't know if they are maybe ill? You don't know if you have done something to offend? There are so many possibilities and you are just left with this big bag of doubt to carry around.

I don't like being rude or ill mannered. So in a way, this thread has made me wonder if I ought to reply to that ghosting person just to be polite. I don't know if she is sitting there thinking " I gave Emerald lots of support over the years and it's not fair that I can't just disappear for months at a time".

I don't know if anything is wrong with her healthwise. But put it all together with flaky behaviour and I think "I'm not sure I want to open the door again." She switches off her phone a lot and I think she also might do blocking and unblocking as a way of managing people. Personally, I find that really immature.

Absolutely Hhoudini I have friends who I only see once a year for a catch up eg old school friend who doesn't live nearby or friends up North who I only intermittently speak on WhatsApp and I think nothing of it as they do.

But the '15 month ghost' friend was someone I saw/spoke to every 1-2 weeks for years. Covid was difficult but I texted and we walked together regularly once we could.

I suppose the truth is, that by ghosting me or making me do all the running to keep up our friendship; she made me feel that I was too boring, too smug (relatively happily married), too needy because if we made an arrangement I would expect her to keep it? too something? I don't know? - but she kept in touch with friends who she says didn't support her like I did. That's what makes me feel inadequate.

She has definitely treated me mean to keep me keen, cos I haven't thought about her for months but one text and all my feelings of inadequacy, because it 'must' be my fault that she no longer wanted contact, come to a head.

Er what?

15 Months is fucking ages for no contact and I'd def be striking them off my Friends list. They are a useless "friend" and don't deserve my time!

@Romanesk "out of sight, out of mind" is a very typical ADHD trait.

It's rather disturbing you don't think about your DC though? Aren't you interested in their lives?

So, what does a friend have to do in order to be deemed a friend? You've mentioned a lot of things that a friend shouldn't do, but not given any indication of what they should do! That's what I mean by "the rules".
So how often should they contact the other person and what should they contact them about? Is it just to say "hi I'm still here and haven't forgotten about you" or is it to arrange an actual meeting? Approximately how often should friends meet up in order to still call each other friends? Sorry if that's too many questions.

Yes, I'm very interested. I hope they don't think that I'm not!

Surely it's that neither of you has contacted each other in 15 months? Honestly, time goes so quickly, I have friendships where we message at Christmas 'must catch up this year', and then another year goes by. We do get round to it eventually and have a good catching up session. I have friends I see every couple of weeks, friends I see a few times a year and those I see rarely. I would still count them as friends though.

Most people would like more friends not fewer. Some of the passive aggressive suggestions on here are 😳. Sometimes life gets in the way, especially if you don’t live near each other. I see local friends a lot, further away friends maybe once a year, and overseas friends even less often. We don’t message all the time, but when I see them, it’s like no time has passed. Sure, we don’t know every little detail of each others lives but they’re still people I care about and like having in my life. If you want this woman in your life OP, then respond kindly. If you want more contact in order to feel loved, then tell her!

@snakeface

I'm looking at your reaction to this friend - where you say they 'make you feel' 'smug' and 'needy'. I imagine you are aware that these feelings are coming from you and not your friend, so whether it's that you have issues around self-esteem generally, or that the relationship isn't a healthy friendship.

Perhaps you need to think a little around this and whether you feel you will benefit from continuing the friendship. And if you do, then I think you should try to downgrade this friend in your head to being someone you keep in touch with just occasionally and it's nice to hear from them/ see them when you do.

This just doesn't sound like a relationship that brings many positive feelings to your life, OP. For whatever reason, she stirs up a lot for you and doesn't put much effort in - I'd be letting this one go, if it was me. The difference between the friends you mentioned who you don't see very often but still enjoy catching up with, and how you feel hearing from this person, tells you something. But only you can know what's right for you.

Op
why not see this as a learning opportunity
forget the friend - flaky at best - rude at worse.
but examine the feelings which they brought up.
write down ( not thibk in your head) all the times you met up with great, reliable friends.
how you felt , how great they are and how much they love you.
do this regularly and you will start to feel better in yourself and about yourself.
it is sad she’s like this , but she really does not deserve good quality friends if she treats them like that.
she will have to make do with her other ‘flaky ‘ friends.

Yes more like 2 miles away 😊 It’s all relative.

I see my friends that live a hundred miles away or even on other continents more often, so…

Wouldn’t really consider someone that doesn’t text for a year after meeting for drinks almost every week a friend though.