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Original poster

What do I say to Friend who hasn't contacted me for 15 months

134 replies

snakeface · 13/03/2025 19:03

Just got a bright and breezy message from friend of 10+ years who ghosted me since Jan 2024. Saying it's been too long and they would like a catch up if I fancy it.

Through most of our friendship I was v supportive of her as she was in a terrible relationship with her emotionally and financially abusive partner. She finally left just before COVID, again I thought I was supportive.
She was always a bit flaky, making arrangements to meet then cancelling at the very last minute. In fact I had stopped making dates that included our children because mine would be very disappointed when they came to nothing. I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her.
She met someone new in 2023, which I thought was brilliant, no one deserved happiness more, but I soon realised that I was no longer needed or wanted in the picture. Maybe she only had time for so many people? Or that I reminded her of the bad old times with her ex. Or she didn't want to introduce me to her new partner.
Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.
Her latest message was today. How do I say I wish her well but it's been too long. She obviously didn't value our friendship as much as I did and she only messes me about when we did use to meet up, without sounding petulant or bitter or like the door mat I know I was?
I really wish she hadn't bothered, I was more or less over the friendship break up before this message

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 14/03/2025 20:51

Loads of my friendships are infrequent catchups, we pick up where we left off. That’s the beauty of them.

Introducingme · 14/03/2025 21:12

I'd reply 'why' just that.

Beesandhoney123 · 14/03/2025 21:20

If the effect of receiving a message from her makes you feel inadequate then delete the message and block.

They weren't your friend, you were their friend. And now they want something.
Much easier to avoid now than be grateful for contact then end up agreeing to something you don't want to do but is what a ' friend ' would do.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
EmeraldRoulette · 14/03/2025 21:22

May I ask why so many people suggest blocking please?

Branleuse · 14/03/2025 21:24

I have plenty of friends that i hardly ever see, but I still love them.

I think id message back just saying it was a nice surprise to get her message and that you hope shes doing well.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 14/03/2025 21:28

"Fuck off, you total user" springs to mind, but you're probably nicer than me...

EmeraldRoulette · 14/03/2025 22:05

Branleuse · 14/03/2025 21:24

I have plenty of friends that i hardly ever see, but I still love them.

I think id message back just saying it was a nice surprise to get her message and that you hope shes doing well.

But it was an unpleasant surprise if you read what OP said.

Strawberryjammam · 14/03/2025 22:31

That does change things, if you had a regular cadence to contact then nothing for ages it is more sus.

Still surprised how many people would be mortally offended by this though. I have several friends who if think nothing of not hearing from for a year or two then a cheery hello. We have the foundation to the friendship and value each other but we're in a busy stage of our lives.

Lost20211 · 15/03/2025 00:21

Keroppi · 13/03/2025 19:43

Leave her on read and reply in 2026 with a thumbs up emoji Wink

I like your level of petty. 🤣

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 08:54

For me it's not that I'm mortally offended it's more that I don't see the point of "friends" who disappear for a year or more. There's no substance to the relationship so to me there is no relationship.

BatchCookBabe · 15/03/2025 09:08

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 08:54

For me it's not that I'm mortally offended it's more that I don't see the point of "friends" who disappear for a year or more. There's no substance to the relationship so to me there is no relationship.

Exactly this. ^ A proper 'friend' doesn't ignore you for 15 months (after not even being arsed to thank you or acknowledge you for a birthday card you sent.)

Anyway, as I (and some others have said) the OP seems to be over the (ex) friend now, and she clearly has a different idea to her (ex) friend, as to what makes a friend. So the best thing for her to do is just text back 'new phone who dis?' and block her. Or just send nothing and block her. (I would.)

Pamspeople · 15/03/2025 10:55

Strawberryjammam · 14/03/2025 22:31

That does change things, if you had a regular cadence to contact then nothing for ages it is more sus.

Still surprised how many people would be mortally offended by this though. I have several friends who if think nothing of not hearing from for a year or two then a cheery hello. We have the foundation to the friendship and value each other but we're in a busy stage of our lives.

I wouldn't be offended, I might be sad if it was a friendship I treasured but I'd let it go if they weren't in touch. I'm happy with a small number of good friends, I wouldn't consider someone who gets in touch once in a blue moon a friend, even if they're a perfectly nice person

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 12:50

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 08:54

For me it's not that I'm mortally offended it's more that I don't see the point of "friends" who disappear for a year or more. There's no substance to the relationship so to me there is no relationship.

But that would really reduce the number of friends people have. Seems daft to cut out the low contact ones

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 12:55

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 12:50

But that would really reduce the number of friends people have. Seems daft to cut out the low contact ones

Show quote history

But what's being cut out? They aren't there for you? You aren't enjoying time together? What would even be missed?

TammyJones · 15/03/2025 13:37

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 12:50

But that would really reduce the number of friends people have. Seems daft to cut out the low contact ones

Show quote history

But this ‘friend ‘ went from very regular contact.
meet ups once a fortnight to - nothing.
Then a message 15 months later as if nothing had happened.

Colourbrain · 15/03/2025 13:53

When you said this 'I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her' I wanted to tell you to run a mile. I have also experienced this with people in abusive relationships. I don't think they consciously realise what they are doing as they probably also don't realise what they are tolerating in their relationships. I would wish her well and then step away from her.

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 15:17

WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 12:55

But what's being cut out? They aren't there for you? You aren't enjoying time together? What would even be missed?

Show quote history

You could just downgrade them to a sporadic contract friend instead of cutting them out completely.

Original poster
snakeface · 15/03/2025 16:34

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 15:17

You could just downgrade them to a sporadic contract friend instead of cutting them out completely.

Show quote history

Yeah, This is probably the sensible, adult way to treat them.

And I am curious to know why make contact now?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 15/03/2025 16:35

You don't even need to cut them out as they'll probably disappear again anyway.

lorenzosoil · 15/03/2025 16:44

good on you, I think that’s a great message!

Boredoutofmyhead · 15/03/2025 16:56

snakeface · 15/03/2025 16:34

Yeah, This is probably the sensible, adult way to treat them.

And I am curious to know why make contact now?

Show quote history

If you answer and they dont youre going too feel worse.

Youve had a bit of distance, you can see them fow who they are and id just not answer.

My sil and I were great friends for years.
One day she just ghosted me,but would randomly text me.
I'd get excited thinking the friendship was back on.
Then there's radio silence for months again.
So I just stopped responding to texts.

Plus I noticed it was always me running to make the arrangements for nights out.
My FB memories make sober reading.

I think I'd just leave it,no point in hurting yourself further.

TammyJones · 15/03/2025 17:12

Boredoutofmyhead · 15/03/2025 16:56

If you answer and they dont youre going too feel worse.

Youve had a bit of distance, you can see them fow who they are and id just not answer.

My sil and I were great friends for years.
One day she just ghosted me,but would randomly text me.
I'd get excited thinking the friendship was back on.
Then there's radio silence for months again.
So I just stopped responding to texts.

Plus I noticed it was always me running to make the arrangements for nights out.
My FB memories make sober reading.

I think I'd just leave it,no point in hurting yourself further.

Show quote history

Agree.
leave it
value yourself.

Padamae · 15/03/2025 17:21

Say just that - 'Hi, I wish you well but unfortunately it has been too long. I really valued our friendship but didn't enjoy all the times you cancelled our arrangements or didn't reply to my attempts to reach out. I'm not willing to rekindle a friendship that makes me or my children feel like that. All the best'

EmeraldRoulette · 15/03/2025 17:28

Disturbia81 · 15/03/2025 15:17

You could just downgrade them to a sporadic contract friend instead of cutting them out completely.

Show quote history

In that case, with a 15 month gap between messages, it becomes a bit pointless.

I've got a schoolfriend in the US like that but it seems mad when someone's local.

In November 2022, mum had a stroke
in April 2024 I moved to be near her
July mum had another stroke
I had a nervous breakdown which was nearly followed by another in November 2024

lose touch in that time, pop up and say "hi how are you" and I don't really want to write down the update

keep in mind I've tried to call and been ignored in that time

they might have had terrible things happen too obviously

it just doesn't make sense to me for friendship to be that way.

you could also wait 15 months before replying because they're fine with that. But what's the point?

JustWalkingTheDogs · 15/03/2025 17:28

I’d ignore the ‘catch up’ comment and text back something that didn’t need a response, maybe ‘Hi X, been a while, nice to hear you’re alive, hope the dc are well!’