What do I say to Friend who hasn't contacted me for 15 months

[snakeface]

Just got a bright and breezy message from friend of 10+ years who ghosted me since Jan 2024. Saying it's been too long and they would like a catch up if I fancy it.

Through most of our friendship I was v supportive of her as she was in a terrible relationship with her emotionally and financially abusive partner. She finally left just before COVID, again I thought I was supportive.
She was always a bit flaky, making arrangements to meet then cancelling at the very last minute. In fact I had stopped making dates that included our children because mine would be very disappointed when they came to nothing. I always made excuses for her, but felt she was treating me like her partner treated her.
She met someone new in 2023, which I thought was brilliant, no one deserved happiness more, but I soon realised that I was no longer needed or wanted in the picture. Maybe she only had time for so many people? Or that I reminded her of the bad old times with her ex. Or she didn't want to introduce me to her new partner.
Our last contact was me sending her Birthday wishes Jan 2024.
Her latest message was today. How do I say I wish her well but it's been too long. She obviously didn't value our friendship as much as I did and she only messes me about when we did use to meet up, without sounding petulant or bitter or like the door mat I know I was?
I really wish she hadn't bothered, I was more or less over the friendship break up before this message

That was my first thought too, as an answer 🤣. But probably too late to answer that now
Our last contact was by text. I sent her a Birthday message cos she'd moved and hadn't given me her new address. Previous to that I'd sent a card and given her a present most years of our friendship. She did answer my message and suggested meeting but didn't answer after I suggested days that worked for me

Silence speaks volumes

Z

Thanks for everyones answers. Given me lots of food for thought. I'm not a great decision maker.
I am totally pissed off by her making arrangements and cancelling at last moment but she was good company and I would love to know how her kids are getting on. And truthfully, I'd like to know that she's doing good too.
But on balance I want someone who likes me enough to contact me first occasionally. Also whenever I arranged the meet up she was far more likely to bail than if she arranged it so that was another reason for me not chasing her up last year. Plus I was not having the best time with my Mum and other family.
Hope that answers most questions 😊

🤣

Fifteen months is not very long. Presumably you also haven't been in touch during that time? Maybe neither of you had any particular reason to get in touch sooner.

Is there some sort of rule that says you must keep contacting a person frequently, otherwise when you next contact them you'll find you've been "struck off" their list?

I've never quite understood "the rules" of friendships. I guess that could explain why I have very few friends!

It depends. If you're so fed up with her that you no longer want contact, that's fair enough.

If you do miss the friendship, but are fed up of her flakiness, you could just leave the ball entirely in her court. Reply to messages, but be in no hurry to do so. Let her make all the arrangements for a while, reply positively but leave it to her to suggest concrete plans. It might be that she's willing to make the effort, albeit less frequently than you would have chosen. It will become clear soon enough.

This thread reminds me of when I got married (2010) so years ago. I had a friend from work who I had invited to my wedding, gave him the details etc. he just didn't turn up!! Not a word or explanation and I don't hear from him again. I completely understood things happen, and fine couldn't make my big day. But to them never contact me ever again. Just weird behaviour

But on balance I want someone who likes me enough to contact me first occasionally

Isn't that what's just happened?

I'm in the minority on here, I think if you enjoy her company then agree to meet on a day where it won't ruin anything if she bails. If you have a nice time, repeat. If not, don't.

Growing apart is different than ghosting

have you totally ignored messages? Then you might get no response or a frosty response. But growing apart on both sides does happen, I'm sure we all accept that.

@snakeface no rush to decide, took me a week or so. I deleted her number but I don't block.

I agree!

This thread is really stressing me out as I go awol for huge stretches of time when life gets on top of me, and then the anxiety about messaging after such a large gap gets to me and the gap gets even longer!

@MakkaPakkasCave again, do you ignore messages from friends? Including ones where they try to check you're okay? That's different than mutually losing touch

Nothing to say surely?
They are either extremely flaky or are just using you for something (a listening ear to their woes, brags, etc or buttering you up for some kind of favour). If they cared they'd have been in touch much sooner - no matter how "busy" they'd been.
I had this happen to me and it felt truly awful, particularly because the person was making it out like they genuinely wanted to be friends, spend more time together, bla bla. Why do people say things they don't mean at all??

I think in the age of WhatsApp there’s no such thing as growing apart as there’s always visual proof of who messaged last and who left the other on read.
I find maintaining friendships more difficult now and sometimes hesitate to reach out on WhatsApp because it just starts the madness of messaging back and forth without end and invariably I’m the one to get distracted and forget to reply in a timely manner (I have 2 under 3) and then the cycle of anxiety and guilt begins again!

Yes I do, I get very overwhelmed and when too much time has passed I then get too anxious to respond. I hate being like this.

Why not ask her how's she's been, how are DC?
Find out what you want to know. Just don't meet up, casually chat if it suits you.

Same. It’s nothing personal to the friends. I also have friends with MH issues and it wouldn’t phase me if they messaged after many months without contact. One of my best friends often ‘disappears’ for 6+months and it doesn’t affect how I view our friendship.

You sound like a really good, understanding friend. I do live in fear of wrecking my friendships because of how useless I am with online messaging but if we have plans to meet in person I would literally have to be in the hospital to cancel. This thread is making me anxious to contact everyone but also hesitant in case this time I’ve left it that bit too long and the friendship is over.

20 years of treatment for mental health issues and I never neglected my friends

Wish I had. I could've been doing something useful with that time it turns out.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t need constant contact from friends. But it sounds like you do which is fine and the relationship therefore doesn’t work for you. No need to be angry, she just isn’t as available as you’d like her to be.

@MakkaPakkasCave you would be surprised how common this is . My mum does it and self sabotages friendships through guilt

Phew!

I think your mum and I could found a “Useless Texters (but good in person!) Anonymous” group 😅

If you drop her number below I can get in touch to arrange (in about 7 months!) (jk!)

I am the same. I find I can only do one thing at a time - and people seem to disappear from my thoughts unless I have a particular reason to contact them.
I only rarely contact one of my DCs, because our paths don't cross very often.
I contact my siblings a couple of times a year (or usually they contact me, when we want to arrange a meet up). I used to be the same with my parents - it was always they who phoned me, rather than the other way around.

It's only quite recently that I've realised that other people are different in their relationships and communications.

I think relationships can be a bit like plants. It varies but they all need a certain amount of watering and care or they will wither and die.

A month no contact, no problem but this is too long, I would just let it slide. Maybe send a non committal ' would be nice, hopefully see you soon ' so there is no drama. I've had to do this recently just to look polite and keep things drama free.