Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

My whole family are addicts then, so are most of my mates, and there mates…. And so on. God help the NHS with all these addicts around.

And do not make arrangements for him to go to AA, or find help of any kind for him. That is codependency, and you are both on a very slippery slope if you let yourself take any responsibility at all for his choices.

If he wakes up and feels remorseful, tell him to put his money and his effort where his mouth is and do all the spadework himself. You will soon see where his priorities lie.

Don't try to make excuses for him if he won't make the effort. This will be your sign that he is in denial that this is a problem.

For yourself - contact Al Anon for individuals and families affected by someone else's drinking.

Do not become a codependent here, or an enabler.

Sheltered?

No. Normal lives, with people who have self-respect and respect for others.

My ex husband was fond of the drink and I’m afraid it didn’t end well for us. To cut a long story short, I left him. He was nasty on the drink and I had many a beating. The Police weren’t interested back in the 70s and 80s. Luckily, there were no children involved.

I'd split up. You've given him the ultimatum in the past, he has shown which is more important to him and its not even close to appropriate for his children to see him in that state.

Think how they must have felt, being woken in the middle of the night by police in their home and their father off his face, puking and incoherent.

That's really scary and upsetting for children. And the worst part is that he doesn't care how distressed they were because he will do it again. If his family aren't his top priority, or at least ranking higher than getting completely pie eyed, he could fuck right off.

For me, this would be the end. You didn't sign up to marry a frat boy.

I agree, not sheltered and not shocked either. Always sad to see other peopl'e low life bar though.

I have memories from ages 2-3 of my father’s alcoholism. Children are more perceptive than people think.

ideally, let him sleep it off. While he is getting sober, pack him a bag. When he gets up, let him shower and change and then he needs to leave. If he works a program diligently, he may be able to move back in some day.

if you aren’t ready for that, then decide your parameters. What is he going to need to do to prove he is taking this seriously. What are you going to do if he doesn’t.

There is really no point in screaming and raging. You can’t make him stop. the only power you have in this situation is the power to walk away. It’s not your job to fix this. Addiction is a put your own oxygen mask on first situation. Then your job is to protect and care for your children.

That is actually how you honor your vow to your spouse, because he won’t be able to see the harm he is doing to them. Even when he is sober, he is still an addict. There is an underlying selfishness that is clouding his judgement. Until he gets help, he won’t understand the damage he is causing.

the misinformation you are peddling about alcoholism is harmful. You are free to state your opinion that alcoholics need a daily fix and hide alcohol, but it is wrong. Alcoholics are anyone going ho have a problem with alcohol.

this man can modulate his drinking properly. He is not a teenager who is just learning to drink. He did not misjudge how strong a drink was relative to the amount of food he consumed. He did not happen to drink when he was already tired. He didn’t learn that a particular cocktail doesn’t sit well on his stomach and it came right back up after 3 sips. Any of us could make an isolated error. We would apologize and hope to never repeat that mistake.

He has a pattern of drinking to excess. That is distinctly different. vomiting is not part of a normal night out. That is alcoholism.

Unfortunately the people you're laughing at haven't had sheltered lives at all. They're the partners, children and widows of problem drinkers and they're reading about and commenting on behaviour they recognise. Its fairly obvious who the sheltered, naive and inexperienced ones are on here, and I'm glad for you.

Nope. OP hasn’t indicated that he’s shown any signs of being addicted or dependent. Not denying anything. At all. Just pointing out that treating someone with a specific misuse of alcohol as an alcoholic could lead to inappropriate treatment. If he’s not addicted, he shouldn’t be treated as though he is - the problem is binge drinking and there are a number of underlying problems which could be the cause. Exploring these and understanding why he does it, is the first step to stopping.

The difficulty with it being infrequent binges is that it is hard to tell if someone has really stopped or if you are just between binges and either way you are waiting for the next time.

People have said to warn him you will leave if it happens again. I just want to say that if you are done based on this and past events then you don't need to wait until the next time, you can end it at any point. You decide where the line is to protect your children and you.

Still doesn’t mean he’s an alcoholic.

“I cant believe some of these comments! The guy hasn’t been drunk in 18 months, he is not an addict. He’s just gone out and got carried away and had more booze than he could handle, which probably isn’t even all that much if he’s not a habitual drinker. He’s been an idiot, he’ll have a hangover. He doesn’t need to go to AA and nobody needs to get a divorce 😂 If my other half did this he’d be in the doghouse for a week then have the piss ripped out of him thereafter. Some people live incredibly sheltered lives if this is so shocking to them!”

yes, well
Thats what my husband of 20 years was like. It happened 3 times. I laughed at him..told him if he was sick on the floor, instead of in the loo, he was cleaning it up and went to bed.

But

my bf later, drank 16 pints every day minimum. Had a huge tolerance for alcohol. Knew he had a problem..enlarged liver etc and would go on the wagon for months drinking alcohol free..but he always ended up going back on the alcohol. When he was drunk, he’d start a war in an empty room.

Alcoholics don’t need to drink every day…they can abstain, for months..in fact , for years , but one drink is too many and 3 is never enough…if they have one , they keep going all night.
Alcoholics that are ‘recovering’ attending AA perhaps, counting the days will never lose the desire to drink. Avoiding triggers is a lifetime job. Even if they don’t have a drink for 10 years…if they decide to have just one, they won’t be able to stop at one. ..they will end up fall down drunk.

Nothing I’m saying is harmful!
A functional alcoholic- can’t go a week without a drink, can’t just have one drink.
An alcoholic- needs a drink every day and more than likely hides it. This is in simple terms I won’t go into detail.
All I’m saying is he hasn’t drank for 18 months, his had a drink maybe one too many or maybe it’s hit him harder than he thought. This is common! I am not a naive woman, I have been around men who drink every weekend and have been that woman lying in bed wondering what ditch my boyfriend at the time was in.
The OP should sit down have a honest chat and tell him how she feels. If she doesn’t want to be with someone who ever has a drink then leave him.

I'm so sorry you had that start in life. Appalling and good for you to be able to see it for what it was and do better for your own DC.

My parents never had a drop but my bestie grew up in an alcoholic home. We are both old now but the results have stayed with her her entire life.

in that when his self control slips he drinks to excess, which in turn means he is an addict.

Absolute codswallop. If he can go 18 months without alcohol he isn’t an addict. People can drink heavily without ever being addicted to the alcohol - alcohol dependent but not actually addicted. And, as in OP’s DH case people can be binge drinkers and not touch the stuff for months in between binges. And this is the crux of the matter here, that most people are ignoring. Binge drinking has different underlying causes than alcoholism and other forms of substance misuse. The psychology is different and the treatment is different. Identifying the cause of the binges and the triggers is the key to stopping them. Those posters blithely advocating AA and labelling him as an alcoholic really need to research before they post incorrect and potentially damaging misinformation.

None of those things thankfully but I did used to run a pub and also work in various health settings. I won't say i have seen it all but have seen a lot. Call it problem drinking, call it alcohol abuse, call it "needing a blow out"call it what you like, the fact is its not a great idea. (understatement)

Not in Bristol we don’t, the police probably have more important matters to get on with. My husband looses his wallet and things on a regular, I think it’s funny and let him crack on with it. His problem not mine. He’s had to undress me and put me to bed, I’ve done the same for him. All this does NOT mean we are ALCOHOLICS!!!! I’m not saying the OP doesn’t have a right to be mad at him, i just think it’s crazy how everyone thinks he is an alcoholic… it’s laughable. I bet 80% of the uk has had a crazy night when they’ve ended up being sick after a night out.

This post is everything that's wrong with drinking culture in the UK.

Sorry for just catching up on the thread now. I’m so sorry to read about other posters’ experiences with loved ones and alcohol. Thank you for all the good advice, especially those who answered my posts in the early hours when I was so upset.

DH admitted today he has a problem with binge drinking and didn’t try to minimise it. This is a first really. He called AA at lunchtime today and he says he will look at other support options. He has said sorry to me. That’s really only as far as it’s got today, I feel very upset and numb.

I am exhausted both from all the talking and the lack of sleep. I don’t want my family to break down but it can’t carry on like this. I will look at the alcohol support boards on MN, I am very grateful for the responses today.

This isn't normal. Last time I vomited from drinking was 25 years ago. I have never either been put to bed or put DH to bed. As others have said that is teenage behaviour.

Thank you for the update op. Well done for having that talk , it couldn't have been easy , and I'm glad you got the best possible response from your husband.

I hope you get some rest tonight and that positive changes occur with your husband's behaviour and attitude to alcohol.

It’s a good start that he’s admitting he has a problem. Has he indicated how he sees his future (with help). Does he think his aim is to be able to handle his drink & not drink to excess? Or does he accept his future is alcohol free?
There’s a chance if he accepts he has to be alcohol free forever. It won’t be easy, but accepting that’s the aim is a good start

But if he thinks he just needs a bit of help to learn when to stop, then this will just keep happening.

He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop.

For everyone that's minimised this, said it was "normal", and you lead a sheltered life if you're not coming home covered in your own vomit in a police car with no phone or wallet semi regularly, lighten up, it doesn't need to be a problem for you. If it's a problem for OP, then it's a problem.

He said he thinks he needs to be teetotal but wants to find a third party to discuss it with and for support.

Is it not??? Gosh…. I’m surprised! I’m sick every weekend after one glass of wine.