Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

Late to this, but I would absolutely not immediately suggest AA, a GP is probably a better choice, or a simple talk with him to start with.

I found AA dreadful. They told me to give up my anti depressants because they are 'a drug' and you have to be totally free of every drug; were very exclusive - a poor lady came into a meeting having relapsed and they were vile to her, and were generally awfully cliquey. I appreciate I may have been in a bad group, but every group in my city was run with a fierce rod by the same people.

I gave up on my own, with huge support from everyone around me who had tried for years to get me to stop, and am now 12years sober.
I wasn't a 24 hour drinker either - 'functional' I guess is what I was...until I wasn't.

He will need to want to do it, no amount of talk from anyone will work I'm afraid

Its easier for the police than putting them in a cell where they will need to supervise constantly in case the person inhales vomit.

Presumably the ultimatum was that the paralytic drinking couldn’t happen again or you’d be over?

Here’s the thing with ultimatums, they are powerful not because they incentivise others into doing whatever you want (though sometimes they do) but because the give you a clear path not to have to endure something you find intolerable. So if it doesn’t mean a cessation of the drinking to excess, you leave. Either way you don’t have to keep putting up with it.

If his drinking isn’t intolerable, it shouldn’t be ultimatum worthy. Perhaps more of a discussion of how he feels about why it happens and how he feels about it happening with suggestions for AA or some form of counseling would be more appropriate, but ultimately it’s up to him. If it is intolerable, you need to leave.

OP's DH was brought home by the police! I hardly think that she is over-reacting by being extremely annoyed and concerned.

How would it have helped the situation if, before he went out, OP and her DH had agreed that he would sleep on the sofa? Would that have meant that the police wouldn't have needed to bring him home?

He may not be alcoholic but he is obviously a problem drinker.

Thing is, once it happens once you can't trust again, well I couldn't
Every time he went out I was waiting for the phone call to come get him, all the puns had my number round where we lived. When we agreed he wouldn't go out after work anymore he started having 4 pints at lunch, and 4 on the way home
He was sly and twisted things until I thought I was losing my mind. Orchestrating arguments at the weekend to get out of family stuff to go to the pub and moan about the nagging wife. Not suggesting that's how your life will be OP just how my one panned out after 12 years. A bit worse yoy so you don't notice until one day you wake up and realise

OP have only read your posts not the whole thread. Please don’t protect him from consequences or put “fix it” hat on.

It’s not your job to cancel his cards. Its his.
Don't help him get a new phone.
Don’t wash his vomitty clothes.
Don’t research AA etc (Al Anon by all means as that’s for YOU).
Don’t invent a cover story for the children. He needs to explain himself to them.

Decide what your boundaries are. Set them and stick to them.

Hope you’re doing ok.

Ultimatums for an alcoholic are for you, not them. What incentive does your husband have to change? He knows he can do this without consequences. He can cause you immense stress and extra work and get away with it.

Only you can fix it. You do.it by giving him consequences. Today when he is sober, you tell him it's the booze or his family. And follow through. I did. Life without an alcoholic is calm and happy.

‘We don’t all need a blow out’ your right we don’t all need but some people do, I like a good night out with mates ever so often. And sometimes I take it to far. I’m pretty sure I can vouch for a good proportion of people who do this.

One drink? 🙄

I’d like to know where OP lives, small town where the police probably have nothing better to do and so taking a drunk man home is their biggest shift of the night.

So you think that the police have so little to do that they will comb the streets to find a not particularly drunk man and take him home to his wife!

Not sure why you are completely minimising the situation and dismissing OP's very valid concerns about her husband's drinking. OP has said that his relationship with alcohol is problematic and she would know better than you.

ok I will ask again, have you ever been brought home by the police covered in vomit and if so how many times?

I have been reading posts all day, mainly as a way to take my mind off of my own problems at the moment, which I had a good rant about.
This one caught my attention as my ex-husband was similar.
I didn't call him an alcoholic back then - but I did have to clean up his messes (actual and literal) from his odd boy's night out.
And I did clean them up - I stopped his bank cards, washed his clothes, got him sobered up, made excuses to the children etc etc.
I did it for years as he only had these 'blow outs' maybe twice a year. So I kept telling myself that I needed to be more tolerant, that a man needs to let off steam now and then, that he hadn't done anything that wrong except over-indulge.
Wrong! Silly young me.
With age and wisdom comes the realisation that this is not a 'man's' behaviour. This is a teenagers behaviour. If, having spoken to him about this, he sees no problem then I'm afraid nothing will change. He will come to resent you trying to 'control him', he will resent you setting boundaries for him. He will not see that what he is doing is damaging to his family, to your relationship.
A real man will calmly discuss the problem, look at ways to overcome it together and work on what is causing this need to over-indulge.
I am sorry that he has behaved this way and that it has overstepped your boundaries - but wait until he is sober, a full 48 hours to lose the effects of the alcohol and then tell him how it has made you feel. See what he has to offer......good luck x

thia is not actually true. there are many different manifestations of alcohol abuse. What you describe is only one of them. Stop excusing your own life.

Not in Bristol we don’t, the police probably have more important matters to get on with. My husband looses his wallet and things on a regular, I think it’s funny and let him crack on with it. His problem not mine. He’s had to undress me and put me to bed, I’ve done the same for him. All this does NOT mean we are ALCOHOLICS!!!! I’m not saying the OP doesn’t have a right to be mad at him, i just think it’s crazy how everyone thinks he is an alcoholic… it’s laughable. I bet 80% of the uk has had a crazy night when they’ve ended up being sick after a night out.

Ohh darling, I have an amazing life. No need to be nasty because I have a different opinion to you. Free speech and all that. Surely as a woman you should support that.

I cant believe some of these comments! The guy hasn’t been drunk in 18 months, he is not an addict. He’s just gone out and got carried away and had more booze than he could handle, which probably isn’t even all that much if he’s not a habitual drinker. He’s been an idiot, he’ll have a hangover. He doesn’t need to go to AA and nobody needs to get a divorce 😂 If my other half did this he’d be in the doghouse for a week then have the piss ripped out of him thereafter. Some people live incredibly sheltered lives if this is so shocking to them!

Thank you… 👏🏻 finally a ‘real’ person talking.

Everyone on here giving advice and arguing … OP has long gone, probably back to the husband who has now sobered up and said sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

@Bigfatarse Just because he's not done it for 18 months doesn't mean he does not have a problem with alcohol, he does, in that when his self control slips he drinks to excess, which in turn means he is an addict.

No it doesn’t 😂

Unfortunately he’s got to want to give up alcohol and want to attend AA, if he doesn’t then you’ll have to make him leave and get a divorce

Just so you’re aware even if your pour away all the alcohol an alcoholic will find an alternative, my parent was an alcoholic.
he passed away mid forties alone, needing 24/7 care as a direct result. You may love him, he may be a good parent when sober etc and desperately sorry. But it will impact your children who may themselves turn to alcohol to cope. I now have no relationship with my surviving parent who tolerated this, the violence, the vomiting every night, the living in limbo from drink to giving up etc the damage is done. As an adult very mixed feelings about the whole thing but don’t underestimate the damage it does to those living with him. Sorry you’re having to deal with this … my worst nightmare

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

j was in exactly the same position and it went on for over 20 years.

the only thing that stopped him was a video of our 9yo son carrying him through the door because he couldn’t walk.

before then, he had always believed that I was exaggerating. He only believed it when he saw it with his own eyes.

Tell him he cleans up all the mess he made, thoroughly and completely - laundry including hanging up, taking in, ironing, folding, putting away, get the couch professionally cleaned or replaced, carpet/ floors cleaned too - everything he soiled.

Call his parents and call yours. Arrange an intervention.

Tell him you will divorce him and be done with him if he ever drinks again. If he chooses to drink, he loses his family.

You have to mean it.

Obv the baby doesn't understand in cognitive terms what's going on, but babies can sense stress, and your other children know what is happening. Don't kid yourself on that score.