Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

you have your opinion and I have mine, I’ve worked in pubs/clubs/bars/festivals, been in bad relationships I’ve seen it all hun. I’m just saying and I’ll say it again loud and clear. I don’t think this guy is an alcoholic!!!! And you lot scaring the life out of the OP probably isn’t helping.

Errr, so why do you drink the wine ? Surely you don't enjoy being sick ?

Her husband has reached his own conclusions and so has the OP.

They know their own circumstances and that coming home covered in vomit past the age of 18 is revoltingnot acceptable

Scared? of what, he's made a prat of himself, the police took the right attitude and walked him home, good for them.

He may need a bit of help with his drink issue, as he may be as well giving up altogether.

But to be angry and scared is a huge over reaction, in the morning he will have a stinking hangover and a mess to clear up, apart from that, no immediate harm done.

Talk about it seriously, but supportively tomorrow.

That is a real positive that he has admitted he has a problem with binge drinking, because people can only work on problems they admit they have.

A lot of people on this thread have conflated binge drinking with alcoholism, Alcoholics are likely binge drinkers, but you can occasionally binge drink without being an alcoholic, they are different things. In a country with a big drinking culture like the UK, people can collectively get carried away with drinking on an evening out.

If he is not an alcoholic and has a history of binge drinking, consider whether he has displayed other impulsive dopamine seeking behaviour. My binge drinking, and binge eating, is a symptom of my ADHD, which I am now medicated for. It is definitely something worth exploring if you think there are other signs.

I think this poster is being sarcastic.

In what world do you think you can just pack your partners’ bag and make them leave the marital home ? You can’t. Any more than randoms on the internet can diagnose someone they’ve never clapped eyes on as an alcoholic. Especially when they clearly are more interested in attaching that label than actually understanding what it is. Have you actually read some of the comments here projecting personal experiences bearing no resemblance to what OP has described, but expressing sympathy that she’s going through the same thing ? It’s batshit. Threads on alcohol misuse on MN always end in a bunfight - you only have to read through some of the comments to understand why.

All I’m going to say is that it was hard to be the child of an alcoholic and still is. He ended up drinking himself to death at just 59 years old. When I was about 10 my parents split up and I had an amazing time tbf. My dad showed up with my mum at the door one night because they had reconciled and I was truly disappointed that he was there and back in our lives. And my dad wasn’t violent or vomiting drunk. The drinking was just always more important to him than his family.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy as the child of an alcoholic father, if that doesn’t sound like alcoholism to you, then what does.

We had a similar experience. He didn’t drink every day / every weekend rarely “drunk” but when he was - he really was. A fall out with his best friend, kids coming down to find sofa covered in vomit, hotel bills for cleaning. Every time he said never again. The last time I packed him a bag and told him to go somewhere else. NOT because of the even necessarily but the repeated “it’ll never happen again”. He found the local AA meeting, went to a couple which I were a real wake-up call. You don’t have to drink every day to have a poor relationship with alcohol. three years later he’s always designated driver or compete in his sport the day after a night out to give him a reason to not drink. I hope your H gets himself some help, and that you find some support too. 💐

It’s called being sarcastic!

I think the rest of us got that! Some people really need to up their comprehension skills!

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe - hope you're feeling better today & got some sleep last night. No need to make any rash decisions, take your time and see how your DH behaves over the next little while.

She has 3 young children and her husband chose to go out, stay out until nearly 1am and the police had to bring him home because he was so wasted.

That to me is very scary.

Irritating, frustrating, exasperating, inconsiderate yes, but really not at all scary.

Big hug to you. I hope you get the support YOU need and DH sorts himself out. You must be strong and tell him what you will or won't tolerate and stick to it. Get support from your family/friends, you will need it. My DH is alcohol dependent, family trait from over involved parents, 'men don't do that' et al, drummed into him.
Speaking from the other side as it were, an empty nester, who tolerated this type of behaviour for the sake of my children for over 20yrs, if you don't act now with conviction, it fundamentally changes who you are. My former DH was exactly like yours, never been brought home by the Police but only because he never got caught. I have been woken up at 1, 2, 3am by him not being able to put the key in the door and worse. He refuses to accept he has a problem, our kids can see it, he listens but still does nothing about it. Soooo many broken promises, I trusted him and it broke me.

Why the nitpicking over the word scared? She said she found the idea of giving her husband an ultimatum scary. I don’t think it is particularly unusual to feel this emotion when you know you are putting into motion something that could end your marriage, shine a light on his behavior to his children who are oblivious, send him spiraling, make him worse etc. I found doing this scary with my now exH - purely because whilst you know in your heart it’s the right thing, you have no control or certainty over how it will all pan out.

The problem is by judging his relationship with drink its going to push him further in do drinking. You can't do anything to stop him drinking he needs to want to stop for him self.

The only thing you need to decide is if you want this to remain your life and do you want your children exposed to it, you can't change him but you can change your situation.

Alcohol is the worst drug on the planet, Changes the most mild mannered people in to complete strangers, Gives people compulsions to take drugs gamble violence it's endless,I would of stuck up for him but leaving kids, Lowlife,I get no pleasure saying it get rid

Hard to do this but get it out in the open, if he can't drink in moderation he has to stop completely and if he won't then he has to go. Growing up in a house with a drinker sucks.

We have differing concepts of "worked" and wildly different ideas of why an ultimatum should be given.

My concept of "worked" is that the OP no longer has to deal with her H's drinking. This is because the OP cannot make her H stop drinking. She can only decide whether to live with it or not, and must decide whether she wants to give her H one last chance to be in her life when she lives it without his drinking. The ultimatum should be her giving him a last chance to choose between her or the bottle.

If her motive for giving him the ultimatum is to change him, then she is doing it for the wrong reasons. She is not responsible for what he does and is not responsible for fixing him. An ultimatum given to try to change him means that she thinks she should take some of the responsibility for what he does and for fixing him, because her ultimatum itself is an attempt to change his behaviour.

Ultimatums won't work. He has to decide otherwise he will just hide or blame you for "making him". He can't moderate but the alcohol genie in his head will fight for its life. There are lots of quit lit, all with different approaches. I would give him two weeks to choose a program that he thinks he can make work and then start from then. Moderation will not work, sorry. I gave up myself more than five years ago because I was intermittent binge drinker and could lose control . Easily one of the most joyous things I have done. Annie Crace, Catherine Gray, Allan Carr, Belle Robertson, Mrs D Goes.... are all worth a Google especially Belle's 100 day challenge

What's scary is not just the potential impact on the children but the very real impact on the OP.

What's scary is that an incident like this means that every time your DP goes out with his mates or whoever you will be tense and on edge, dreading the fallout.

What's scary is that if you tell him you feel like this, he will say you're nagging, or exaggerating, or even that it's never happened or that it's no wonder he drinks when you're such a killjoy.

What's scary is that you spend the whole time waiting for it to happen again.

All the PPs arguing about whether he's an alcoholic or not - that's irrelevant. If his drinking is upsetting his partner - and who wouldn't be upset by the father of their children behaving in this way? - then he has a problem and he needs to deal with it or get out.

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe, you have my deepest sympathies. My DH was 'not an alcoholic' but for years he was verbally abusive to me when very drunk (after being the life and soul of the party with everyone else). The wake-up call was coming home with a broken shoulder and a head injury and being so drunk that he didn't realise. He now sticks almost entirely to alcohol-free lager, plus alcohol-free Guinness which he loves. He has lost weight and is a nicer person. Change can happen, and from your latest post it sounds as if your DH wants to change, so I really hope things improve for you very soon.

Well he's knowledgeable enough to realise this - in theory at least!

Let's hope for his sake and the sake of his family that he can just stay sober ''for today''.

Saying ''I'll never drink/take drugs/ insert addiction here'' EVER AGAIN is too hard for many people..

So just to stay drink/drug free ''for today'' is much less daunting a prospect.

The responses are weird. He doesn't sound like an alcoholic in fact I would say the opposite an inexperience drinker who got led astray or didn't know his limits on a boozy night out. Your shock shows it isn't a regular thing or even something he has done before. Most men don't vomit on drinking especially hardened drinkers. The calls for AA seem a bit crazy. He sounds more like a school kid who can't handle their drink through lack of experience!

Binge drinking to the states OP's husband gets himself into is problematic drinking - he may not have a tolerance and withdrawals, but he is impacting on his family life - and is at risk of choking to death on his own vomit like the binge drinking ''Bonzo'' of Led Zeppelin did. {A long time ago, but it was the end of the iconic 1970's band.}