Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I wanted to add the cycle needs to be broken or it will replicate itself with your children also. I know this as alcoholism has strong genetic patterns and it happened in my family. Father alcoholic, one sibling alcoholic. Unless your DH stops drinking immediately you will have a lifetime of pain in front of you and your children. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Look after yourself.

The downplaying, minimising and ignorance on this thread is something to behold. No, alcohol is not just a problem when the drinker requires a medical detox. It's a much more complex and deep-rooted issue than this.

Thankfully OP has sense and isn't being drawn into the pointless splitting of hairs over the precise definition of her DH's problem. I stepped right back from this thread some pages ago out of respect for this, and not wishing to derail a thread on which someone is claiming to have a real problem (her estimation, not ours, and people need to respect that) and is asking for help.

This man is out of control, it's a pattern that's been repeating itself for many years, and it's affecting OP's life. That's the only considertion that matters - not the minimisers persisting in a typical denial that an alcohol problem exists and informing everyone else that they're wrong. Such arrogance.

OP, kudos for taking steps to address this and I really hope things work out for you. I'd recommend getting some support for yourself, too - Forward Trust are excellent. This can be a long and difficult road. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it (though I'd recommend doing so elsewhere than on Mumsnet).

The downplaying, minimising and ignorance on this thread is something to behold

I agree @SerafinasGoose

I would want a promise from him that he will never drink again, ever. This should be his rock bottom.

I don’t think he’s an alcoholic, but I don’t think that matters. He is someone who shouldn’t drink alcohol.

The downplaying, minimising and ignorance on this thread is something to behold. No, alcohol is not just a problem when the drinker requires a medical detox. It's a much more complex and deep-rooted issue than this.

I agree some posters are trying to minimise, but many more are catastrophising based on their own experience and trying to project a situation that hasn’t happened, and which OP hasn’t actually described.

I have advocated for DH not to be labelled as an alcoholic, but that doesn’t mean I think that what he’s doing isn’t substance misuse and a definite problem, which could easily deteriorate into alcoholism. And my point of view doesn’t come from ignorance. I was a disability outreach worker for a long time and have been involved in the rehabilitation of those with various alcohol and drug related issues, ranging from binge drinking, to supporting those on the slippery slope, all the way to those who have lost everything because alcohol or drug addiction has taken over their lives. The treatment and support has differed, depending on the type and severity of the problem, and that’s all I’m advocating here. Binge drinking is a problem. But in the majority of cases I’ve dealt with there is an underlying cause. And unless/until that cause is identified and addressed, it will keep happening.

I had to work within the parameters of the NHS definition of alcoholism, which from what OP has described, her DH doesn’t meet. But at no point have I ever minimised or said it isn’t a problem. It is. And if it’s not addressed it will end up wrecking their lives - it’s already ramped up because now the police have been involved. Thankfully her DH has agreed to get help - not least because OP had the presence of mind to film him in the state he was in, and he realises the extent of the problem. Let’s hope he can engage with the support and move past this once and for all.

Not the point of the thread I know, but just to clarify an employer can’t fire someone ‘with immediate effect’ for being an alcoholic even if it’s affecting their performance at work. Alcoholism is an illness and although is not classed as a disability under the Equality Act 2010, the employer would still have to demonstrate that they had engaged with the employee via disciplinary procedures and verbal/written warnings before resorting to firing them. The only exclusion to this would be as a result of a risk assessment under Health and Safety rules.

What a damn waste of our money. They clearly don’t have anything better to do, just sorry he didn’t throw up in their car.

He hasn’t done it in 18 months? So he doesn’t have an issue. Do you go out on work events?

Noone ever starts an evening with the intent of lying on their bathroom floor passed out and vomiting.

He didn't make it to the bathroom floor. That's lightly mockable in our household, I have no problem with people that drink, or even people who drink to excess. I can be one myself.

This is not that.

The police brought him home (in a questionable diversion of resources) because he was too shit faced to get home himself. That's shocking behaviour from an adult with a history of similar. You're supposed to learn from your mistakes and particularly when you've got 3 kids at home it's fucking pathetic

Another minimser.
Do you think it is OK to get so drunk that you lose your phone and bank card and waste police resources to bring you home? Not to mention not remembering any of it?

Really?

Just because something is cultural, doesn’t make it okay. I’ve have had a partner as an addict. It is worse for the children to be with a parent like that around them until they sort themselves out.

OP has mentioned this has been a problem before. A good parent wouldn’t make her kids hang around someone like this.

This was my point but I got a grilling from the ‘do gooders’ or ‘straight’ Mumsnet hommies.

take some photos or video of him save them till you think you are ready at what you think is a approate time, Then when you think, it is time appropriate. say. I have somethink to show you.he probally will not know what to say, but you do ,,,,,savour it for a moment or too, then... How do you think i feel. i do not think i have to say too much,?? except if it does ever happen again, you, will be saying sorry to my back. as I walk out that door.never to return.YOUR CHOICE.....X.

OP already has, read the thread.

What the fuck is wrong with you that you can’t see this as him being on the road to full blown alcoholism ? I’m on his side - he’s a binge drinker. He and OP need to identify the underlying cause and address it. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t got a problem that could spiral into something worse. This isn’t the first time he’s done it. He’s a problem drinker - he may not be addicted but once he starts he doesn’t know when to stop. He needs help to sort out why he does it and then stop. Or do you think being escorted home by police having lost control and vomited in the street is something OP and her kids should just put up with ?

I think it is a more questionable reflection of the husbands friends.

I have been in situations multiple times in my life when someone in a group would not of been capable of getting home on their own, and friends have assisted.

I think it's very sad he was out with people he knew, and then was left alone in this state.

There must be parallel universes because binge drinking is so rife in the UK, but so few on this thread seem to have any lived experience of socialising in a group where binge drinking occurs.

And I am not minimising, binge drinking is terrible and as a society, and as individuals it needs to be tackled. I keep drawing the distinction because the way you respond is different to alcoholism.

If there is underlying conditions, like in my case ADHD, if the underlying condition is not treated the chaos is going to continue in other spheres.

I have not had a binge drinking episode since I was treated for ADHD. I do still binge eat when I am on medication breaks to reduce the likelihood of resistance to medication.

First time in 18 months? You’ve clearly never met or lived with an alcoholic. YOU are the one who has absolutely no idea about addiction. Maybe you should learn before assuming that you know everything, when in fact you know diddly squat. Start by looking up what addiction is. Not a scooby have you? Oh holier than thou. 🤣🤣🤣

Very, very occasionally I've been in a social situation where I don't realise how drunk I am and I go over some kind of tipping point without realising. It happened to me two years ago. I hadn't been drunk for 15 years and was certain I could most definitely handle my drink. I'm a very respectable and sensible middle aged woman (in my mind!).
I'd met up with a sibling I hadnt seen for ages and was very excited. They were pouring me drinks (spirits!) And I was like "Yay, this is great fun!" . I was so happy but kept thinking, I mustn't get drunk, I need to stop before I'm drunk. I felt fine. I was playing card games, I was eating dinner, we were catching up. I felt merry but fine. In control.
It was only when I got up to go to the toilet that I realised. The room was spinning, I felt dizzy and disoriented. Everyone was going to bed and I was throwing up .
It hit me so suddenly. I'd had no idea that I was absolutely wasted.
I'm only saying this because I can see how you get into this state. I don't believe I'm an alcoholic. I can go months without drinking. I usually stop after after two glasses of wine because I'm so sensible! But still I see how you can get very drunk without realising.

Sorry to hear this it’s the last thing you need, especially when you have very young children.

There is nothing you can do for somebody to get help; they have to admit and accept that they need it in the first place. The only person that can do that is him. You could gently suggest he gets help and There are plenty of support groups like Smart recovery AA etc but drinking to that level is definitely a problem.

The thing is that there can be catastrophic consequences to getting into this kind of state. He could fall and give himself a head injury, fall into water, go in front of a car, fall asleep somewhere and die of hypothermia. It happens all the time. There could be career, relationship or social consequences too.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve got myself too drunk before although I’ve never blacked out or been completely insensible. I don’t tend to drink much any more. Some folk just shouldn’t drink ever because they cannot handle it.

He wasn’t out with friends though. It was a work event.

Many employers will have a policy that being over the limit is gross misconduct so anyone reading this needs to be careful

This sounds like a one off and he is probably feeling very sorry. I would be more concerned about what his colleagues are thinking than anything.

I would suggest calling the AA helpline 0330 053 0221 it's open 24x7 and someone who understands alcoholism will answer.
Not all alcoholics drink daily, but if he can't stop drinking when he starts, he's probably an alcoholic.
AA is not affiliated to any religion. It is a spiritual and not religious program.
I am neither religious nor spiritual and I work an AA program and have been sober coming up five months now. Nothing else worked for me and I see many people who drank like me who have decades of sobriety, working the same program as I work.
It is not easy, but oh so worth it.
By giving up one thing, I have unlimited options now open to me.
Your DH can too.
And for you Op, yes AlAnon is well worth a call too 0800 0086 811
Good luck to you both.