Police have just dropped home drunk DH

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

… covered in vomit.

DH went out to work even straight from work, it was meant to finish at 8pm. Woken by DH at 1245 saying ‘come downstairs the police want to talk to you’ . We have three children including a 12 week old baby that was now awake and crying. Police officers said they had found DH vomiting on the pavement in town and had to bring him home. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.

DH is covered in sick and incoherent. Has vomited again and I’ve left him on the sofa with a bucket.

What do I do? I am so angry. I want him to never do this again. He has a problematic relationship with alcohol - all or nothing - and he has done this in the past and has always said he will stop. This is the first time in about 18 months.

I am heartbroken. I hate him for this and I’m upstairs crying not knowing what to say to him. He showed no sign of remorse. I am sobbing. Please help me know what to say to him and how to handle this.

@WorkItUpYourBangle

There are things in your post which are inaccurate and you’re coming across as very insensitive and rude. Hopefully unintentionally? Maybe you only read my opening post and not later ones.

I haven’t equated these episodes with addiction - other posters have done this. I said there is a problematic relationship with alcohol.

I don’t hate alcohol personally - I drink myself - I hate its behaviour altering qualities and loyalty it inspires in people. My DH adores it so much it interferes with his life - he admits this himself. He wishes he didn’t love it so much.
To call me ‘a pain in the arse’ is just hurtful - I have been supportive as far as I can be.
Also if you’d read my posts in detail you’d see he was not out with friends (and I would never say he could not spend time with friends?) it was a networking event related to work where he was not socialising with people he knew/liked.

And if a mum behaved like this, you’d have the same response? As mums wouldn’t be called “letting their hair” down if they behaved like this. Let’s not infantilise men. He made a stupid decision and there should be consequences .

You sound wise OP, and I agree that there isn’t a need to get bogged down defining whether he is an alcoholic or just really bad at controlling his drink. I was the latter and so I gave it up, as it got to the point where I realised that (even though it certainly didn’t happen every time I drank) I was too old to be blacking out and not knowing what had happened to me. I’m really glad that I don’t have that risk hanging over me anymore, as I just didn’t have the ‘off-switch’ that some people manage to have.

He is probably going to need your support in making some decisions. If you're angry, judgemental and distant he may not make the changes he really needs.
It sounds like he uses this type of drinking as an extreme stress response but does it by doing a huge blow out to burn the energy.

He probably doesn't even intend for it to go past more than a few drinks but because he is relaxed his impulse control becomes non existent.

You probably feel like it's something happening to you but the reality is something is and has happened to him and he chose to deal with it in this really toxic way.

Change the voice in your head to my DH needs help and I'm worried about him rather than DH needs to get help because I can't deal with this anymore.

Obviously don't make excuses for his crap behaviour and he absolutely needs to get help but with this approach you'll be behind him and support whatever he feels he needs to do.

Perhaps next time he feels that way he could go get a massage and see it that makes a difference.
Or try some other self-care or fun activity to help alleviate his stress.

Congratulations on new baby, if he is stressed you would be as well, especially with new baby. Make sure you're also going ok and go for a check up and make sure you cover mental health.

Good luck xo

After years spent with an alcoholic partner, and the pain that they cause their loved ones is due to selfishness.

Do not cover for him, or enable him, or make excuses. He behaves like this because he wants to, you do not make him drink. I did all of the above, and then one day I just didn't care what he did anymore. It was a huge relief.

His blackouts, loss of memory, not remembering the police brought him home are all very worrying signs. The loss, possible theft, of phone and wallet means he’s vulnerable when out and drunk.
I can only suggest you contact AlAnon and give him contact details for AA. My ex husband as a constant drinker but a huge amount, the damage it does to a body isn’t just the liver. He had a damaged stomach, was dead at 49.
I hope your husband will contact AA and take action to help himself.

My ex husband has just spent months in hospital with a stint in icu because of cirrhosis of the liver due to excess drinking. He was warned this might happen over 10 years ago but has had to reach this point to finally stop drinking. Even me leaving our marriage because of the drinking didn't stop him. I eventually realised that love wouldn’t help, it was actually enabling him. I wish I had gone to meetings as has been suggested. It’s a disease that they have to acknowledge and want to help themselves manage.
sending you and your family lots and lots of love xx

My husband does this. Every couple of years he goes on a binge. He’s been arrested and got himself into various scrapes. He is not a violent drunk but yes he is vulnerable when he has been drinking and that of course makes the family vulnerable if anything untoward happens, which fortunately has not been the case. I have been angry in the past but now I just leave him to it making sure he deals with any consequences. My children are now 17 and 19, they seem to think it’s funny but I make sure to point out that it’s antisocial and unattractive.
I know this is upsetting but it is not a catastrophe.

Please please get some sleep now. Rest up as best as you can with a newborn and tomorrow he needs to shape up or ship out. The ladies on here have given some good advice so you got some starters/food for thought. Just know I am the child of a recovering alcoholic - my dad has been sober 42 years now and I turned out just fine thanks to my strong mum. Your kids will be ok and so will you

Ask him if he would listen to the audio book 'This Naked Mind' it has honestly opened my eyes and made me completely see alcohol through a different light.

He needs to be sorry and to mean it. Only his actions will show you this.

I don't drink anymore. Bad things did not happen every time I drank but every time bad things happened I had been drinking!

Since he was at a work event he'll probably need to speak to his boss also, in case he said/did anything he shouldn't have. It sounds like sadly he needs to completely stop drinking, luckily its more socially "acceptable" these days to not drink at all. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope this incident is the last.

He's an alcoholic. Leave him. I left my exdh who did similar.

I have behaved like this, and I am a really good mum.

Good people can make mistakes and have indiscretions. It would have been the worst thing for my children if I had been kicked out of the home.

Britain has a binge drinking culture problem, so it's ridiculous how many people on this thread are acting like it is the worst thing someone could do because so many people have been in this situation at some point. I am not justifying it, it's not ok. Treating social binge drinking is different to treating alcoholism hence the distinction needs to be made.

Alcoholism is also a very real problem, and so I can understand that some people that have experienced this in their partner and family are triggered and can't separate the 2, but the OP needs to in this case.

I’ve only the OP’s posts. Just want to say, if you end up splitting then you haven’t broken the family OP. The family is already broken by his drinking.

I hope both of you get the support you need, him for the drink problem and you for whatever you decide to do moving forward.

I hope you managed to block the cards. He may have been mugged.

He needs help and honestly he may never improve, but its on him to sort himself out. Services will not deal with you or tell you anything because they can't.

You need to focus on you and your DCs. As much as your DH needs help, he has to do that for himself otherwise it will all fail.

Good luck x

Once he's sober I'd say we need to talk. No excuses for getting in that state, remind him he has DC, he could die of alcoholic poisoning, have liver damage, could have got beaten up, has he been robbed? Phone, wallet? What about neighbours seeing him bought back in police car? I'd make him feel ashamed, then say "you havnt lost your job yet! Or your home! Or your family but you will unless you get help" that is what needs to sink into his sponge of a brain. Don't let him say it won't happen again, it will, but lock the door and don't have him back in the house if police bring him home again, let him sleep in police cell.

He’s incoherent and being sick over himself whilst she’s got their 3 children, one of whom is 3 months old, to be responsible for. Set the bar just that little bit higher

He didn't come home, he was brought home by the police. That's a large part of the problem.

If you don't show some tough love now and assert yourself, he will continue use you as a doormat for the rest of your lives together.

I have lived through your life- and worse.
The father of my child is an abusive, raging alcoholic and coke cola head.
He's able to mask it around alot of people, because he is "highly functioning".

I eventually left him when my son was 5mths old, as we were both at risk.

You have a 12wk old baby with an addict.

This isn't your first rodeo with him.
You have chosen to give him numerous chances , that he has walked all over.

It's not your responsibility to be calling AA and making arrangements for him.
You're way past that point.

Kick him out and Let him hit his rock bottom.
Stop being his comfort cushion.
He needs to feel the burn of his bad behaviour and understand he what he will loose if he doesn't get his act together.
He can make his own arrangements.
If he is serious about saving himself -and his family- he needs to DO IT HIMSELF

Addiction is a selfish sport.
Your DH has shown no consideration to you or your children
It has been your sole responsibility to protect your family from his "other side"- that alone, is so exhausting and must of already taken a toll on you.
However, whilst your actions are from a place of love, you've fostered the perfect environment for your DH to keep his comfy home life, knowing there are no serious repurcussions from his drinking.

It's time to put yourself first.
Put your children first.

Why???

Im so aorry you are going through this .In this situation your children need to be your first concern. Not your husband. I know you say they don't know he's like this." Believe me they will. When his drinking escalates ( and it will) It will eat into every part of your homelife. When my own father ran out of money for drink he would bully my mum to give him our food money. When that was done he would sell her personal belongings, furniture items. Literally the coat off our backs. He began to lose jobs because he would be found drunk and asleep in the workshops. His entire personality changed over time and he would among other things throw us out! Thank God for good neighbours. By all means contact Al anon but consult a solicitor too. At least get advice. You are going to need support. It's an addiction that only he can get help with. He needs support but so will you. Especially if you decide to stay with him. I'm in my 60's now and I have quite an 'emotional limp' as a result of my home life with an alcoholic dad. I have a shocking flight or fight' response to sudden loud noises around me. To this day I have massive trust issues. I really don't trust anyone. Luckily I did find a wonderful understanding husband ( although not until into my 30's because I feared repeating my parents' life) I'm sorry to go on so much. I guess I'm just trying to say keep a close eye on your wee ones' through this. Take care of yourself. I wish you well.

Did you say we also need to sit down and look at finances as I can’t trust you to keep your job if you get that drunk at work events? And do it, because you do need to plan how you’d manage if he was fired with immediate effect.

I said in a previous post I have ADHD, I also binge eat when I am not medicated. There is a part of my brain, when other people get a notification to stop, I don't receive it.

When I have drunk to this extent in the past it has always happened in situations in the presence of others drinking to excess, I have been enjoying my friends company and gone along with the additional rounds being ordered.

Noone ever starts an evening with the intent of lying on their bathroom floor passed out and vomiting.

Is this a very regular thing or every so often. I was like this last year , twice. A bottomless brunch and at Christmas. I have hardly drunk since. I can go go long periods with no booze and only drink socially. However my brother is end stage alcoholism so I fully live and breathe the impact that has on family. I just can’t work out if this guy has an occasional issue where it affects him too much or a real problem. Everyone speaks as if he has a real problem but every so often some people have a binge and major regret after.

You lost your phone and bank card and were brought home covered in vomit by the police, then can't remember the night before?

No, this is not OK. I like a drink and can overdo it sometimes but I never get to the stage where I am so incapacitated that I lose things and can't remember what happened. I have an off switch that activates way before that.