Things you’re guaranteed to find on mumsnet

[Kibble29]

I think there have been lots of serious topics on MN recently, particularly in relation to benefits, people allegedly faking mental health issues to get out of work etc.

So, in the spirit of some lightheartedness that we can all identify with, tell me some generic things you are guaranteed to find on MN.

For me, it’s in the Style & Beauty section.

A person will post and ask for recommendations for comfy joggers to wear when they WFH with no visitors or Teams calls. I think the average human would expect that people will link them to Next, H&M etc.

Instead, because it’s MN, they get “oh I love these ones. They’ve got a bit of a homeless vibe about them and obviously you wouldn’t wear them outdoors, but they’re sooo comfy and perfect for home!”

Then a link for an obscure company selling loungewear for £187 per item.

Also, challenged by the MN mince. A while ago somebody claimed 500g of once was enough for 7/8 portions!

Cycling is always considered to be outing.

Troll hunting, virtue signalling, hypocrisy. Everyone who disagree with you is a bot.

I don't think so - he's male.

"LTB!!"

Yeah.

Have you tried adding lentils 🙄

Have you considered that your estate agent may be an abusive covert narcissist? Only, you mentioned he was male. He is likely using his male privilege to avoid the sale. Perhaps you could find his address on linked in and write to his wife in a letter , explaining your concerns that she may be in an abusive relationship and write down some nice generic contact numbers for women's aid and some thoughtless generic links to charity websites? I'm sure she'll thank you for that and then you can virtue signal on Facebook how you've saved a woman's life today (tag her in for added glory )

You're a bum if you don't earn over £120k

Your children and husband (and probably you) are neurodivergent.

Fell out with said husband? LTB.

Child being a bit of a dick? Clearly not meeting his needs.

Skint? Just retrain and double your salary. Duh.

Work? Terrible parent.

Don't work? Terrible human being.

Perimenopause will turn you in to something from the walking dead.

The answer to explain anyone that's slightly rude is "they're a narcissist"
I work in mental health and trust me you'll know one when you meet one it's not just being rude or stroppy

Touching anything that any other human being has ever touched is disgustingly unhygienic and will kill you.

I have. And no, it doesn't.

"This is my first LTB"
Oh ok then, I will then as you've never posted it before.

Arguments about chicken.

A problem so easily solved.

Tribe of Toffs! I'd make that my next username if I could be arsed.

I can't be arsed, I've been run ragged all day by the cat. I just don't have the time.

I don't think I've bought enough for Christmas.

Cue stealth boast.

Seriously? You haven't booked your delivery slot already/half of my items were missing from my delivery slot. Cranberry sauce substituted with toilet lid. Well... If you just went into a shop like normal people... I haven't got any fucking legs! It didn't stop my 84 year old neighbour Sheila going in with the SAS crawl. She got everything in store.

America bashing

Telling an OP to ask if their partner is cheating as if the partner will tell the truth

OP: My child is having a hard time at school, how do I help them....
Answers: What school, why that school, how much is the school fees, why pay so much when you can get free education...

OP: I need to lose weight..
Answers: You were not made for the male gaze. If your DH isn't happy with your body, LTB.

Woman posts about a bad relationship with a man:
Answers: LTB how dare he doesn't worship you.

Man posts about bad relationship with a woman:
Answers: How dare you treat her so appallingly.
You're the reason she behaves badly, take her to a spa, a holiday, to the gym, buy her a new wardrobe, get her therapy, wait on her hand and foot and don't come back on here with your lies.......

Yes, and millions of others.

Man being a cunt; is he perhaps ND?
Woman being a cunt; is it menopause? dementia?
Nope, some people are just cunts.
Or OP is completely batshit/nasty but they ask be kind 😡😡

‘Utterly batshit’ ‘totally bonkers’ ‘completely unhinged’

Large of nork.

No is a complete sentence

...however in some circumstances it just isn't!

An obsession that posters must be 'jealous' if they don't agree. Top example being the tedious discussions about private schools. Someone comes on to say they don't agree with private schools, often just stating that they wouldn't send their kids to one rather than criticising others. Followed by posters stating that they are jealous. No, people are allowed to have different political views. Same thing happens on the threads about high salaries.

OP: I’m a size 12 and eat 3 normal meals a day
MN: sorry OP that’s considered overweight, you really need to cut down on portions/ carbs / life.

Vapes are the actual devil, if you are within 100 feet of someone vaping it will definitely set your asthma off.
Dogs are demons, all dogs are dangerous and anyone that has one in the home with children should be reported to SS.

OP: I struggle to make and maintain friends. I'm shy, introverted and find social situations draining...
MN: Have you ever been diagnosed with a neurodiversity?
OP: 😡

OP: I happen to believe that people shouldn't rely on the state to provide for them, but instead be encouraged in entrepreneurship and create jobs, benefitting wider society.
MN: Tory Shagger!

OP: I don't have a driving license and depend on public transport to get around. I need to go to (destination) but there's no rail link. Does anyone know how reliable the buses are in (adjacent town/city)?.
MN: Why don't you drive? How selfish of you!