Do you get chatted up in RL?

[sepp]

How common is it for women to be chatted up in RL?

Even when I was younger it only happened very rarely. Apart from drunken snogging in dodgy clubs, I can probably list all the times a man has approached me without having had any previous interaction with the intention of asking me out.

I'm older now so it doesn't happen in RL. It happens all the time online but that's another story, and it's meaningless.

So it just got me wondering.

Interesting.

I am friendly and talk to everyone, but it always feels like small talk, not chat up lines.

Watch out! Your internalised misogyny is showing....

I do. It's completely bizarre. I'm 63. But I know exactly how and why it happens. I do things on my own. That's the crux of it. I am on my own.
I go to gigs on my own, the theatre, cinema, wetherspoons, church, garden centre,...
It never happens when I'm with DH or friends. So honestly if you want to meet someone just start doing normal stuff on your own.

I mean, that was pretty rude. And I’d say the same about a man who said “who gave you permission to ask me creep?” to a woman.

Yes! It happened to me a few weeks ago at a gig. I just thought we were chatting, as you do. Turned out that he wanted more than conversation - I was flabbergasted!
(For context, I'm mid 50's, fat, and about 30 years from my prime, if that's relevant.)

Same and I'd be mortified if on a Men's forum these men I smile and chat to about the weather/their dogs and what not were declaring they were getting approached by me chatting them up! Isn't it just called being friendly?

Maybe it's a North/South divide thing or rural/urban as where I live everyone happily chats away without there being some underlying motive.

Nope not these days not even with older men. I’m rather ugly and have a resting gormless bitch face so that’s probs why 😂

@icelolly12 I don't think they'd presume you were chatting them up! There's a big difference between making friendly conversation and being asked out on a date/for your number etc

I'm in Yorkshire where strangers do just chat to each other without any ulterior motive.

I think most people can tell the difference. I'm northern, there are regular guys I talk to on dog walks, maybe even walk along with them for a bit chatting. Repeatedly, making small talk, chat about the dogs, about work, about Trump, etc. I don't feel they're chatting me up.

But when it happens, then it's different. The type of comments are different, if face to face then the way they are said are different. If it's via whatsapp then the amount of messages isn't normal friendly messages for a couple of people who barely know each other. Always pushing it, bit more, bit more, the comments get more and more risqué without any encouragement.

I used to get it a lot, including builders who came to the house, cheeky bastards . I don't get it any more as I'm over 60, and I'm not sorry about it.

Random chat up always escalates so quickly, it’s surreal, it’s like a hustle - you’re about to be robbed of something! Otherwise, why be so overly forward and destabilising of usual modes of behaviour. Selling tactics.

I used to, quite a lot, but then I had a bar job so I think all of us did. Haven't been chatted up for 20 years!

Surely narcissists think everyone is swooning over them all the time and assume they’re constantly being chatted up. Whereas normal people assume others are just being friendly.

I certainly don't assume men are chatting me up all the time on dog walks. I speak to loads of men and women all the time.

I do assume the ones who either ask me out, ask for my phone number, try and invite themselves to my home or make sexual comments are trying their luck though.

It's definitely not because I'm gorgeous or whatever, it's more because I'm there and engaged in conversation anyway. I could be anyone and they probably do it all the time.

If you had been discussing bike saddles with someone you had cycled with a few times then yes you'd think they were being friendly.

If they then sent you a whatsapp message saying "nice talking to you today, you can always sit on my face", would you still think they're being friendly?

Am I a narcissist for reading more into that and thinking he was coming on to me?

Why would they have your phone number in the first place?

Indeed. Or if you're sat in a cafe (as I was a few days ago), large headphones on and working on your laptop, and some bloke wanders over, pulls the seat opposite out and says "mind if I sit here?" as he already is, then proceeds to start with gushing about how he "never does this" but "just thought you were so beautiful, and looked a bit lonely" (while I was working?). So obviously he and his dick had to come and spoil my peace.

So friendly. Much narcissism on my part. 🤨

It's like these sorts have a bloody script, I can spot them a mile off before they even open their stupid mouths.

Nope. I'm plain as a pikestaff and ADHD which can make me slightly odd in company. The only men that have ever approached me have either been of the 'hi, you look desperate, fancy a shag?' variety (which I don't really class as chatting up. Chatting down, possibly) or other social misfits like me who think I will understand their desire to talk about the trains they have seen that day.

Because we’re in the same cycling club WhatsApp group. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Then, of course, there's the other more "subtle" types. The ones who try and swoop in to "help" with something that doesn't need helping with, or try to buy you a drink when I'm capable of buying my own (they think buying you a drink buys them your conversation), sit next to you on a train when there's plenty of other seats and chatter on with lots of "small" compliments. The ones who all but trail you around a gallery with a baffled "fancy seeing you in this room!" surprise. The ones who corner you at parties and try to use physical presence to box you off from other party-goers.

It's a completely different kind of vibe from someone who's just being nice. Or, they're actually super subtle and as soon as they think you trust them, go in for the dirty messages like @ElbowsUpRising mentions.

Yuck. And not one of them takes obvious disinterest as a sign to fuck off, either. They drip with entitlement.

That’s not being chatted up though is it? That’s just a pervert.

@ElbowsUpRising @GiddyRobin I didn’t say you had to be a narcissist to be chatted up. It was in response to others on the thread saying they get chatted up “all the time”.

I do get chatted up all the time. It's exactly as I described above - and it's not in my head and nor am I a narcissist! It's bloody annoying and I've had it since I was in my teens. I'm now 35.

And it isn't just me who notices. Friends notice, my ex girlfriend (I'm bisexual) and I used to get bloody irritated when some bloke would wander up while we were out having a quiet night, trying to buy me drinks. It happens, a lot of women have to put up with it and no one is bragging by mentioning it.

It’s disingenuous to say that we don’t know when we are been chatted up and when it’s just small talk. Most people know the difference. It’s the not so sly looking over at you before they approach, the type of smile they have when talking to you, the running fingers in his hair and leaning in to your space, it’s the rapid escalation from small talk to wanting to know if you are seeing anyone, it’s the unsolicited sexual comments. Etc etc