What is it like not having children?

[Jesrob]

I had my DS fairly young and I don’t have any regrets. I like my life but sometimes I look at my friends in their 20’s child free and see them being a career woman who hits the gym each night, goes for cocktails with the girls on a weekend and multiple trips away with the fiancée. Can’t imagine how it feels just to go and do what you want without arranging childcare or having so much headspace taken up by kids schedules and needs. What’s it like?

I go and do what I want - multiple trips and solo walks- and I do have children. They are grown though. Your time will come..Mine has.

It’s really lovely, I get to prioritise the things I enjoy, sleep well and save a lot of money.

It was great in my 20s. Worked, made friendships, went out dancing, travelled relatively lightly, read, went to concerts, met so many different people, went to many different places and events. Read in bed, had daytime baths, could drop everything if a good offer turned up, like sporting events half way across the country.

We have two teens now, older and apparently wiser. And at some point they will leave and it will be both of us again, bit different as will still need to earn to save for pension and their education, house deposit etc etc.

I am so glad my 20s were childfree, there were so many other childfree young adults around it was fun, social, busy, I just wouldn't have had that energy in my 40s if we had had children younger. I have advised our teens to have their 20s childfree, because you are a long time parent, whilst others are childfree and you have no health issues, a skeleton that can dance, run, travel in tight spaces, wake up with smooth skin and ok hair.

Don't get me wrong we adore our kids we had in our 30s, they bring joy, fun and happiness, as well as expense, stress and frustration, but not once did I resent them or felt I was missing out because we had done most of what we wanted to, we were already at the stay in at the weekend with a roast and tv stage when the kids came along.

But different people chose different paths, you will be done by 40 ish and can embrace the freedom where others will still be on the school run. You might even be on the grandchildren stage as other's kids are leaving for university.

There are plus and minuses to every decisions. For us having kids a bit later was better, for both of us, all of us. This is just on set of experiences and opinions in a sea of thousands.

Hard to know, because I know nothing other than not having children. Not my choice, I TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and now will never have my own children.

I didn't put off children to pursue a career! I'm not religious, but wanted a stable relationship and to be married before TTC.

I have a great life and have filled it with other things. Yes, DH and I have travelled alot, but that was mainly before TTC. We now have a dog, so do need to consider dog care if we go away.

We recently moved, but I don't fit any mould here. I'm not in a mummy group, school group, nursery etc. I work full time, and not old enough to join retirees or things like WI which meet in the day time. Yes, I do have a great deal of freedom, but I don't have many friends. I've moved a few times. I know very few people the same as me and that can be hard too. And no, I've never gone for 'cocktails with the girls!'.

Its not always greener OP.

I’m childfree by choice, with absolutely no regrets. It was definitely the right choice for me. I’m not a big career person, although I do work FT. My ambition is to retire early, and I am investing significant sums each month to make that happen.

The rest of my time is my own. I enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want, the lack of ties & commitments, the absence of mess, noise, chaos & stress and the obvious financial benefits of having a good job & no dependents.

I have also been travelling solo since my kids were 7 months old , leaving them with DH. And vice versa. This is generally frowned upon on MN where everyone is supposed to travel only with family once you have them.

I’m sorry you went through that but thank you so much for sharing ❤️

Blissful. I love being able to do what I want when I want.

Do you ever question your decision? Just curious because I’m fairly confident I don’t want anymore children but then my mind spirals thinking what if I get older and regret it but then it’s too late? I’m such an overthinker with this stuff

I’m 35 and currently pregnant with my first.
I absolutely loved my child free 20s/early 30s, it was heaven, and as excited as I am to have a baby, I am scared about waving goodbye to my freedom!

I had my children late in life. One of the things that bothered me was that I felt there was pressure as a childfree woman to either be living an exotic and enviable life: travelling and pursuing a career and spending hours in the gym, or being a benign auntie figure to my friends’ children. I didn’t actually want either of these roles. As it was I had my children but it’s hard when society pushes you towards an identity you don’t want.

Childfree here and very happy that way although it’s never felt like a choice, because it’s such an innate knowledge that I don’t want kids that I haven’t had to make an active choice. I just live my life according to my whims and impulses. I’m freelance and sometimes travel while working - I spent the whole of December in sunnier climes hiking up volcanoes and rescuing street dogs. Planning on doing similar this summer. I never get up before 9am.

Totally agree

I’m childfree by choice. No regrets, and I’m now mid/late 40s. I have a busy life, work full time, more than full time tbh, and have an active and varied social life, including concerts, gigs, shows, comedy, Pilates, exercise class etc.

Pros:
outside of work, my time is my own. I don’t have to take anything like childcare/pick-up/hobbies etc into consideration when making plans

financial- obvious benefits

absence of stress and worry. This is a big one for me. I vividly remember watching my grandmother who was in her late 80s at the time, agonise over her son, then in his 50s, when his wife left him. It devastated her. And I recall realising that motherhood meant life-long worry. I was mid-teens at the time and it really stood out to me.

Ability to indulge my desire for solitude and silence- absolutely blissful.

Cons:
None for me…ymmv

People sometimes ask about loneliness now or in the future… I’m not lonely now and see no sense in having kids in case I might be lonely in later life, there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t be lonely even with kids anyway.

But op it’s easy for me- I simply never wanted kids. I didn’t even have to make the decision as such, it just wasn’t ever something I had to factor in to my life. It’s not that straightforward for everyone, I was lucky.

I'm 40, childfree by choice and very content with my choice.

I really like having a peaceful life and being able to focus wholly on myself and my friendships.

Remember before you had a child, OP? It's like that.
You never have to account to anyone for where you are, what you're doing etc.
It's normal.
It's brilliant.

I'm mid 40s and don't have children - always thought I'd have them and then more recently realised I didn't really want them.

My life is quite boring day to day but I like the freedom of being able to do what I want and when I want - particularly travel, or moving to another country on a whim.

It's just the simple things. Peaceful too.

So I'm probably not someone you want to live vicariously though, but I'm happy 🤣

(I think there is an expectation for those without children to be career orientated or out there volunteering their time or living a 'big' life, but no, I am just living my life and just happen to be doing it without children)

You shouldn’t base such life-changing decision on ‘what if’ though. I firmly believe nobody should become a parent unless they 100% want to. It’s too important a thing to do, and so easy to mess up, that you need to be fully committed.

And let’s say in later years you do regret remaining childfree, well, what about it? We all have some regrets in life, that’s normal. But are you really going to do something that will impact the rest of your life so hugely just in case you might regret not doing it? That makes no sense!

Edit: re-read and realised op has one child, sorry, I skimmed over that bit! Take my above post as a general comment rather than directed at you op!

Do you ever question your decision? Just curious because I’m fairly confident I don’t want anymore children but then my mind spirals thinking what if I get older and regret it but then it’s too late?

But you're replying to a poster who is childfree op.

You're talking about whether you want more kids. Your life won't be the same as that posters even if you stick at one. All the benefits of being child free - no dependents, obligations, being able to pick up and go or whatever - you've already lost that anyway 🤔

I had this conversation with my niece late 30's who wanted children but it never happened. Although I of course love my adult kids, the worry and angst never leaves you.. no doubt I'll be worrying about grandchildren one day. She loves her life as it is, can be as selfish as she likes with no guilt.

My kid's dad should never have had children and messed up their childhood through neglect and abuse. Far better not to have them if you don't really want them.

Absolutely not. I have never felt ‘broody’ (whatever that means). I always knew I didn’t want to become a parent & DP, like so many men, was ambivalent about kids, meaning he had no issues with not having them.

I would be a crap parent. I’m too impatient, too grumpy, too selfish, too squeamish. Just no. Not ever.

@Ratisshortforratthew

Oh wow, that sounds so cool! I need to do some more travelling!

What’s it like?

It’s lovely- would highly recommend.

Do you really not know what it’s like though, OP? Surely you had a life before your child?

Remember too that a lot more of your life is taken up by having children than mine is NOT having them- by that, I mean it’s easy to assume that someone’s life is consumed by not having children and so everything they do is a direct result of being childfree. I barely give it a passing thought- I just get on with my life. I still have stress and worries and joy and responsibilities; they’re just around other people and not children.

Not having children doesn’t mean you’ll never have stress or worry, but does mean you’ve created less of it for yourself.

It is great. But I am sociable, so am out lots of nights with friends and partner. Cinema, theatre, galleries, walks in the evening when we have lighter evenings, round at friends for a coffee and chat. If you are the kind of person to stay in and watch TV, then I imagine it would be pretty boring. Parents also often think about what they were doing in their twenties and childfree, and think they would not want to do that when they are older. But how you spend your free time evolves and changes as you get older.

For me the biggest downside of being childfree is its effects on old & once close friendships. The reality is that when your friends have children & you don’t your lives diverge in fundamental ways and you have less in common. Eventually, but inevitably, you drift apart. It’s nobody’s fault but it happens.