What is it like not having children?

[Jesrob]

I had my DS fairly young and I don’t have any regrets. I like my life but sometimes I look at my friends in their 20’s child free and see them being a career woman who hits the gym each night, goes for cocktails with the girls on a weekend and multiple trips away with the fiancée. Can’t imagine how it feels just to go and do what you want without arranging childcare or having so much headspace taken up by kids schedules and needs. What’s it like?

This is how I feel.

I'm child free. I've had relationships with women with children and loved having them in my life. But I was never in a relationship where I felt completely certain it would last so never had my own. Also I worked in child protection all my career and I was absolutely crippled by it. I don't think I could have parented well with the career I chose.

At nearly 60 I do occasionally regret it - no legacy, no carrying on my family line, too much time to think about the meaning of life etc. But this is the life I'm leading and I do my best to be a good human. Which is what I hope we all do.

Sad in what sense?

I had my last one late 30s and I wish I had done it younger. When I see friends whose kids are grown and self reliant I envy them 😂

Oh, you’ll just get some nonsense about how being a homebody with children is all about little snuggling bodies and love and making biscuits, but being a childfree homebody involves staring bleakly out the window at life passing you by as laughing mummies with buggies scamper laughing by.

Pure projection, obviously.

In answer to your question, OP, as someone who never planned to have children and then had one child at 40, it’s been great. Both parts. I had a lot of time to travel, study, work, make friends, move countries any time I got bored, enjoy my relationship etc. Having DS has also been wonderful, but I wouldn’t have missed my childfree twenties and thirties for anything. It definitely made me a better parent, too, because I wasn’t sacrificing any opportunities.

Congratulations on your LO! I have 2DC i had my DD at 29 and my DS at 37. As much as I love being a mum. The lack if freedom is the bit I find hardest. I thought I was only going to have DD and was starting to get bits of freedom back as she was getting older but got a massive surprise with DS so back I go to the beginning 😂

My DP and i have convos usually when we are tired about the freedom we had before kids ( like just having a nap). I know eventually we will get it back.

Enjoy your wee one when they arrive ❤

@CaptainRosy there's no sacrifice when you didn't have a different want.

To use a down-to-earth example, I now want to have a nice relaxing bath. I don't want to watch TV or browse MN so there's no sacrifice.

And having children is no guarantee of being loved.

One poster mentions that parenting was the making of her. I have a couple of school friends like that. They were genuinely kind of angry people almost, before they had children. Lots of drinking and gaming and stuff. They absolutely blossomed after having children. And their careers really blossomed, as well I think partly because they were happier.

It's very uncomplicated. Everyone has a different path. Everyone has different things that make them happy.

@EmpressaurusKitty i suppose that in the sense that a child free woman should be pursuing her career, jetting off an exotic holidays, going away for city weekends and so on. I say ‘should’ with inverted commas of course but there is a stereotype and it can be difficult when you just don’t fit it.

The truth is I’m a home bird and that’s lovely and cosy when you have children; somehow when you don’t it’s a bit sad!

It's unreasonable that this is still trotted out about women without children.

It’s not sad at all, it’s a wonderful thing to be happy at home in your own company!

Apologies @alwaysdeleteyourcookies, quoted the quoter and not the quotee!

No worries. I agree with you.

Up to my mid thirties it was great being childfree. I studied abroad for a masters degree, then lived in London where I had lots of different friend groups from work / school/ uni/ flat mates etc. There was always something to do or when I wanted to chill I would stay up late watching movies and drinking wine or sleeping in. When I met my partner I stayed in more but we’d travel a lot and spend weekends going out to eat.

In my mid thirties the biological and social drive for a child really kicked in but I struggled with infertility. All my friends were having kids and were much less available, so even though I still had all this time and freedom it felt kind of pointless when I had no one to spend it with. I was bored of a life without kids. If I had a hobby I was really into or a career that brought me joy I would probably have felt different, but personally I felt unfulfilled. I eventually had a child at 40
and though I often wish I had more time to myself I am very glad to be a parent.

The most content woman I know is childfree by choice, has a great relationship and does stuff like go on kayaking trips in Canada. The women who have had children are a very varied bunch, life is more unpredictable with kids. I feel for the friends who wanted children and never had them. All but one just couldn’t find the right bloke then one has multiple losses and has no living children.

I remember going off in Birmingham for cocktails on Thursdays in town near a bar that was by the floozy in the jacuzzi as she was known. Then out to dinners, midnight showings of films at the Odeon, Mr Egg while drunk, lots of hiking in Wales and the Peak and Lake District, lots of curries in the Balti belt. They were great times.

I remember expressing milk when DS was a month old so I could go out for dinner and have some wine with a load of Friends. We still did plenty and I used to go out with women friends every quarter, when the gas bill came in as I used to joke.

I’ve never once regretted not having children of my own.

I was just not prepared to make the changes and sacrifices needed to be a parent. And I’m not going to apologise or feel bad about it.

I only had one and was a single parent (in my 30's). I think that was ideal. Some Danish study found that was as good in lifestyle terms as not having child.

I realised I wasn't really cut out to be a soaring success in my career or some free wheeling traveller even though I gave it a good go.
I wasn't a fan of my 20's.I loved having my son in my 30's and 40's and now he's at Uni I also love having my life back but having ticked all the boxes. Well aside from the being rich one which has eluded me.

I am childfree. I haven't sacrificed anything actually.

But what is freedom without purpose? What is peace without a sense of legacy?

Why assume that not having children renders one’s life lacking in purpose? That’s a very narrow-minded view.

And not everyone wants to leave a legacy, or perhaps some want to leave a legacy but know that there are many ways to do that other than procreating. Personally, I think that having children so that one has a legacy is quite narcissistic.

Machiavelli would say that all choices come with a cost, and no man or woman truly escapes sacrifice. The mother sacrifices personal freedom for legacy and love; the child-free sacrifice legacy and love for personal freedom

Again with the assumptions. Childfree doesn’t mean lacking in love.

The projection is strong here!

the child-free sacrifice legacy and love for personal freedom. In the end, it is not about which path is superior, but which sacrifice one is willing to bear.

I have love (and purpose for that matter) & I’m not fussed about legacy.

@plinkyblonk aww thank you, what a lovely message 🌺

Machiavelli would say that all choices come with a cost, and no man or woman truly escapes sacrifice. The mother sacrifices personal freedom for legacy and love; the child-free sacrifice legacy and love for personal freedom

where do those of us who wanted children but couldn’t fit into this philosophy?? It wasn’t my choice to be infertile. I didn’t make a sacrifice, I had no say in the matter

also I do have love in my life! I mean really to say those without children whether by choice or not don’t have love is really bloody insulting

The truth is I’m a home bird and that’s lovely and cosy when you have children; somehow when you don’t it’s a bit sad!

If you say so. I personally enjoy being at home, alone without snotty whinging kids, just me, the TV, a fresh cup of coffee and the cat.

Lovely and peaceful.

Me either. On the contrary.

And I have love in my life. From people who have chosen to be in it.

Being a childfree cat lady was always the goal as far as I’m concerned!