What is it like not having children?

[Jesrob]

I had my DS fairly young and I don’t have any regrets. I like my life but sometimes I look at my friends in their 20’s child free and see them being a career woman who hits the gym each night, goes for cocktails with the girls on a weekend and multiple trips away with the fiancée. Can’t imagine how it feels just to go and do what you want without arranging childcare or having so much headspace taken up by kids schedules and needs. What’s it like?

With all due respect to Machiavelli, what a load of bollocks.

My childfree life lacks neither purpose nor love. The purpose is simply to enjoy & make the most of the time that I’m here (within the constraints of having to work for a living), and I have more than enough love from those closest to me. As for legacy, I couldn’t care less.

For me, being childfree has been an entirely positive choice. I honestly don’t believe I have sacrificed anything of any value and if I had my time again I would make the same choice.

You said it much better than me. Wholly agree.

Its fascinating that there are people who still think like this, in such a close minded way, about child free women. Such judgement about our 'sad' (presumably also empty and meaningless?) lives.

OP, you asked what it's like and for me it's great. There's just nothing about parenting that looks at all appealing so while I'm very happy for my friends who wanted that, that it's worked out, I'm equally very happy for me that it's worked out not having any. I value the independence, flexibility and selfishness of choice that it allows me.

I entirely agree. Never wanted children, never had children, never regretted it.

@septemberremember
The truth is I’m a home bird and that’s lovely and cosy when you have children; somehow when you don’t it’s a bit sad!

I'm not sure if you think it's sad or if you are speaking generally.

I do think my colleagues who are parents feel like I should be out all the time doing things that they can't, but I know they are seeing my life through their lenses. I like being at home. It's not sad. It's lovely and peaceful.

If you had your child/ren young, you'll be child free in your mid 40's and the world will be your oyster 😀.

Welcome to my world, climbed the ladder at work as most folk naturally do but all that extra money is all mine. Kids moved out, hammered the mortgage after they went and now I'm sitting pretty with enough youth to enjoy life, no mortgage, adult only holidays (although we're usually the youngest in the hotel 😂). So glad I had my family young compared to some of my school friends that are still on the nursery run.

Everyone's opinion with this is very different for sure.

I have 4 children, unfortunately I'm a single mum, I have days where I hate it and don't want to do it anymore. After all I didn't plan to do it on my own but here I am.

I crave going out with the girls.
I crave alone time.
I crave being able to sleep in.
I crave doing what I want when I want.
I crave being able to travel and see places.
Jesus I crave going to the toilet on my own 🤣 ( i have a toddler)

But....... when I don't have my kids which is extremely frigging rare mind, I miss them and it feels weird them not being around me or with me. I think as a parent you cannot win.

The time will come when they all fly the nest and I get all that I crave but I will still find it very odd them not being with me 24/7.

I know people with kids who do all that. Having money is what helps.

Most people, kids or not aren't out and about every weekday anyway.

The truth is I’m a home bird and that’s lovely and cosy when you have children; somehow when you don’t it’s a bit sad!

How strange of you.

I’m a home bird too- the only people I’ve seen today are my husband, and the postman.

Currently, I’m on the sofa with my legs draped across my husband’s lap. We have a fire lit and are drinking tea and chatting between scrolling (me: phone, him: tv). It’s warm and cosy and lovely and happy. I also have a book (ironically, about a future where children are so expensive, people have turned towards AI babies!).

I don’t get how having to have one ear cocked towards the stairs to listen out for an awaking child would make this cosier. In fact, it’d be the very opposite.

Well yes. But for me the main part is I get to do all of it without any kids.

35 and child free.

It's like being in your 20s but with money? 😂

Jokes aside... I have lots of spare time. People seem to be saying they are tired and too busy all the time, and I just can't relate to it it - maybe it'll come. I sleep well and can't remember the last time I felt tired.

I'm usually happy and wake up pleased to embrace the day, there's little stress around mornings/ what the day will bring. I'm the person singing in my car on a gloomy January morning and smiling at strangers. Knowing how my gran and mum experienced parenthood, I highly doubt I'd feel like that as a mother, they always seemed on the edge and feeling low.

There's also spare money, which goes on culture, wellness such as nice hobbies and club memberships, and also fashion/hair/face. I love getting dressed to the 9s and going to the theatre.

Sounds a bit superficial but I used to have a full-on job where I was travelling the world and helping others and spending every spare penny on 'causes', and that wasn't very fulfilling after a while, so I just want to have a nice life at home and look after my health for a bit. To me it feels like people with children are always under so much pressure, and I thrive in 'nobody needs me'.

Friends - I'm very available to them and feel like I have a number of meaningful relationships in my life where they can call me anytime. Can also spend more time and money spending meaningful time with my parents as they age.

Overall I feel I'm a better version of myself this way, and feel that I contribute more to society and people around me and am more of a positive influence. I think I'd be an absolute nightmare as a mum and would probably need a lot of help and support, quite possibly the mental health professional sort.

My best friend is the same and I'm glad we found each other, so we can talk more freely about topics like this. When people ask you why you don't have children, you can't really give them the real answer. They don't consider that sometimes the real answer could be very dark, without even getting started on people that have had multiple miscarriages etc.

I've had many dreams and ambitions in my life, some achieved and some not yet, but I think fundamentally my greatest desire was to lead a life in which I'm free to do what I want. And that's the biggest difference between a parenting life and a non-parenting life - I don't envy even the happiest, wealthiest parents among my friends, because they still don't have the level of day-to-day agency I need.

There are plenty of cliches about wild, adventurous child-free lives and none of them are 100% true - but what it gives you is the ability, in any given month and as the mood takes you, to go off on exciting travels; or to party it up and live hedonistically; or to be cosy and calm in a lovely home for a while. You get to do all those things when you want to.

The other thing a child-free life gives you is time. Not just day to day but in your life generally. I didn't have to settle down in any timeframe, so there was no way I was going to accept a relationship that didn't enhance my life. I made a few iffy decisions (and had some made for me by life) but I had the time to find my way out of those dead-ends and land on my feet.

I never understand what parents mean by "legacy". I believe it's important to try to leave the world in a better state than you found it in, and I've always been motivated to do that in various ways. To me, a real legacy to be proud of is one where you change the world, not just... having kids.

Angela Davis is one of my heroines. No kids but what accomplishments and what a body of work she's contributed. That's a legacy.

Peaceful

There are a lot of very black and white statements on here, no?
Life isn't that black and white in my experience.

Indeed. I’ve never, ever been in a situation where I’ve thought that adding kids (if any age) would make it more enjoyable. Quite the opposite.

Absolutely lovely.

Coincidentally, there was a report about this in the Sunday Times last week. In their 20s & 30s, people without children are happier; from their mid 40s on, people with children are happier.

@FreeloaderWithAnAdBlocker

What book are you reading? Is it the Family Experiment? I loved that book.

I found my only person! I went to Singapore and have travelled solo for many years without DH to much scorn... both on mums net and in real llife.

I think this is just a weird Mn thing. I’ve travelled solo before and after having DS, for work and pleasure. I couldn’t not. So do most women with children I know.

I‘m CF by choice. Not had a high flying career, don’t care about cocktails and spa days, but do love the freedom that not having children gives you. I just never wanted them at all. But I still have close friendships with people who are parents, just takes a bit of flexibility on both sides.

It's great. But then I really don't want children! So I absolutely don't feel I'm missing out on anything. I'm sure it would feel different if it wasn't a choice for me. I do also still need to think of others though. Just not in the same way!

I do also feel very lucky to have nieces I'm very close to, they stay at my house regularly and love my partner of 20 years.

Really interesting thread. Thanks OP. I've never wanted marriage or children. But been with my DP 7 years and I'm ready to get married now - which shocked many a people. However, I feel like I'd like children, but not necessarily ever be ready for them? I worry about growing old and lonely - or losing friendships because I decided not to have them. It also makes me feel sick at the thought of all my free time being spent looking after another human being. The mess in the house, the shit, the wee - everything that comes with having children puts me off. Yet somehow I feel like I would regret it. Is there ever a time when you truly feel ready to have children? I've never been able to make my mind up. I'm also 28.

I think it's fantastic but I've never wanted children. From my earliest memories I always wanted to be a vet, to have lots of dogs (currently at 6), and to travel, and that's what I've done. Zero regrets - I'm early 40s now and I've always known on a fundamental gut level that kids are just not for me. I'm not the marrying type either, I've always had great long-term, committed relationships but never wanted to feel officially/'permanently' tied down in that way. Been with current DP a good few years now though and pretty sure I'll hang on to him 😄 He's never been bothered about kids either and we have a great life - both have demanding careers but both do what we love, very comfortable financially, the dogs, lovely house by the coast, a cleaner twice a week to keep it lovely, nice cars, great family and friends, good social life although we're not drinkers or party people at all, daily CrossFit for me (I'm a CrossFit/gym obsessive), travel etc. We don't dislike children, lots of family and friends have kids and we'd be good parents, we're decent, responsible people, but we just don't want to. My work-life balance is perfect for me, I work 3 days a week and 1 night in 10 and the rest of my time is my own to do what I want when I want.

Travel has always been my big passion other than dogs and vet med. Since I qualified I've travelled extensively every chance I've had. My parents have always looked after my dogs when I'm away but I don't think I'd get away with ditching a kid on them 😄 I've been to all 7 continents, I've travelled solo to Antarctica and through Europe, South America, Africa, Central America, Asia, Australia and New Zealand. I've lived and worked in Canada and volunteered in charity-run clinics in Peru, Bolivia, Guatemala, Nepal, India, Thailand, Sri Lanka, Uganda and Botswana, working with wildlife, domestic pets and street dogs/cats. I've had too many experiences, seen too many places and done too many things to list and I honestly wouldn't change any of it for anything.

Yes!!

I started with The One, then The Marriage Act.