What is it like not having children?

[Jesrob]

I had my DS fairly young and I don’t have any regrets. I like my life but sometimes I look at my friends in their 20’s child free and see them being a career woman who hits the gym each night, goes for cocktails with the girls on a weekend and multiple trips away with the fiancée. Can’t imagine how it feels just to go and do what you want without arranging childcare or having so much headspace taken up by kids schedules and needs. What’s it like?

Don’t worry, the feeling’s mutual.

As a childfree by choice person I don't recognise any of this.

My grass is plenty green.

I'm not shouting. But maybe there's something I'm missing - y'know, being over here living my shallow and empty life...

If your evenings are not long and boring then that’s great. Personally I probably found the summer harder when I was alone: everyone out and about and having a great time (it seemed.)

But this thread isn't about being alone. It's about not having children. As it happens, I'm happily single and childfree by choice. And I go out with friends or on my own. I know that isn't for everyone.

It works nicely for me though. Not that I’m a fan of nightclubs, but there are plenty of other ways to spend evenings.

It's not being "bitchy" to point out that your list of complaints are absolutely nothing to do with being child free 🙄

I had my first in my early 20s so I feel like I will never know what it’s like to be childfree - then had my second in my 30s so starting all over again! I am curious about this question too as I run away and nap in the car under the shade whilst my mum has the kids for a few hours! Because I’m bloody exhausted.

I must say despite having my dd young, a very good support network meant that I look back at my 20s and I’m pretty happy with the balance I’ve had. I could travel for work , I don’t care much about travelling but have gone on spontaneous trips (with a few weeks notice I guess!). I brought my daughter into my life, went to events that I found interesting (and trained my daughter well enough to sit through some of the discussions I wanted to hear - and get involved in workshops - we have amazing memories now that she’s a teen), started a business, volunteered lots, but my weekends had to be family time - and we always went to visit somewhere new, eat at a new place. Living in a city has meant that there is something new all the time. Yes, I have been that lady that bring a baby to an event when there wasn’t childcare - but made sure we didn’t disturb. I’ve made amazing friends for being curious - and even more amazing mum friends where we hang out and collectively keep an eye on the kids. My daughter also has amazing memories which I would have never imagined (considering that it felt like I was dragging her to places - but how else do children experience life?)

So although I’ll never know what it’s like to be childfree (except for when I was a teen which doesn’t count) I never want my daughter to look at my life choices and think “motherhood was a burden/restriction” - but that you can have a life - we just have different boundaries.

I’ve never, ever been in a situation where I’ve thought that adding kids (if any age) would make it more enjoyable. Quite the opposite.

Totally agree. It just looks like bloody hard work and not at all appealing, particularly the toddler age. Women seem to get a rough ride, now being expected to work and do most of the childcare and house work. No thank you.

You mean when you didn't, you were a bit sad.....

Not everyone wants kids and some who wanted them but couldn't, are capable of accepting it and still enjoyinglife.

Threads on here of parents who wish they'd not had kids and long for their child free lives.

Everyone is different.

I'm childfree, not by choice. For me, what it's like to not have children is being consumed by grief, but the person you are grieving for doesn't exist so there's no way to come to terms with it.

@paranoiaofpufflings

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be a very hard position to be in x

I do find it curious that not having kids is the only time women say things like “I don’t want the stress or hard work”.
In every other aspect of life,working hard, putting in extra hours /effort is seen as a positive or even a status symbol. Nothing worth while is ever easy.
Why would having kids not be worth the effort?

That sounds incredibly tough, @paranoiaofpufflings, I’m so sorry.

I guess for me, hard work is meant to lead to something fun or enjoyable or beneficial long-term, and children are just none of those things (to me, anyway).

There are plenty of areas where I work hard & put in effort, either out of necessity or because I choose to. My job, my volunteering, keeping fit, older relations.

It’s not necessary for me to have kids and I don’t want them, so I prefer to leave that area of hard work & stress to people who want to be parents.

Aside from when women have large age gaps you get the same amount of free time. Providing you don't have a child with additional needs who continues to need care as an adult then you will be free to enjoy your 40s whilst women who had children later are bringing up young children.

I'm very happy putting the effort in for things I want to make happen, like work or buying my flat. But not for something, like having kids, that I very much don't want to be a part of my life. It wouldn't be 'worth the effort' for me because it would be facilitating something I don't want.
I'm also very happy for things like work or saving money to not be stress or hard work at all! That's brilliant.

@AndThereSheGoes

I don't want to put in hard work for something I don't want in the first place. That would be pointless.

I think there is an expectation for those without children to be career orientated or out there volunteering their time or living a 'big' life, but no, I am just living my life and just happen to be doing it without children

Totally agree, I have a normal life (and it’s very nice) I just happen to be child-free, by choice

To me there is nothing appealing about having children whatsoever, it’s just not something I would ever have wanted in my life. Luckily when I met my partner his children were already grown up.

Having kids is ‘not worth the effort’ because I don’t want kids. A pretty straightforward concept to grasp, I would suggest.

‘Nothing worth while is ever easy’. Wrong. Being childfree is very worthwhile, and it’s also easy. You just don’t have kids. Job done.

Putting extra work & effort into something you actively do not want, never did want, and never will want is not just completely stupid & pointless, it is counter-productive.

@ItGhoul

Were you born a nasty piece of shit?

Nice to kick someone when they're down.

Your language throughout this thread has been shocking.

In the same way that you probably don't think climbing Mount Everest or kayaking the Atlantic is worth the effort. But it's so worthwhile!! I presume it's because you don't have any interest or don't want to.

I don't like children and I don't want them so I don't find it worthwhile. To me there are no redeeming features of child rearing

Because I don't want kids.