What is it like not having children?

[Jesrob]

I had my DS fairly young and I don’t have any regrets. I like my life but sometimes I look at my friends in their 20’s child free and see them being a career woman who hits the gym each night, goes for cocktails with the girls on a weekend and multiple trips away with the fiancée. Can’t imagine how it feels just to go and do what you want without arranging childcare or having so much headspace taken up by kids schedules and needs. What’s it like?

Everyone asks you about it all the time.

It’s great. So peaceful. No screaming whingeing, crying or mess.

No one wakes me up - I sleep in on weekend.

I get to do whatever I want. Plenty of money to go for food, drinks, on holiday etc. I regularly meet up with childfree friends. All round it’s excellent.

I am also single. In my view children are often what break a relationship. Not the children per se but it’s often the point more and more life admin gets dumped on the woman until she becomes resentful, realises she’s married a useless lazy man and ends the relationship.

Ofcourse the man was likely always lazy and or useless but it was less obvious pre children.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to these women had they not had children - would they have been happy as they were in their relationship ?

I may one day have a relationship but whoever he is he will certainly not be living her or expecting me to do his wife work.

I am friends mainly with others who do not have children or those who still prioritise friendships even though they have children. They tend to be single mothers. Its coupled up women who largely abandon their friendships. And no I will not be there in 15 years time when you want friends again. I have lots of friends and a busy social life

Oddly, several of my close friends are childfree.

It's really really lovely. I'm grateful for it every day.

Most of mine have children. I would like to find child free friends but it seems as you get older everyone ends up having them.

I think it's really good that you travelled and left them with your husband, et cetera

This is very interesting. I had my DC at 27, but really felt like I only became "myself" when I had him. Partly it's because in a weird way, fulfilling the motherhood role seemed to free me from all of the other expectations that you describe. Nobody questioned my slightly unusual life choices anymore because I was doing at least one thing that they expected, and at the same time no one judged me for not being a party girl or not being a great traveller. Interesting perspective, I'd never thought about it before but there certainly is pressure as a woman in your 20s and 30s to live an exciting, carefree or enviable life.

Im 38 childless by choice and i have no downsides to it.
I love it its blissful no worries or cares for anyone other than me i can be selfish as much as i want.
My earned money is all mine.
My home is spotless and calm and i dont have to cook every night.
Do what i want no school gate school mum dramas i mean the list goes on.
Ive never got broody or looked at any baby and thought oh how cute i look and think thank god its not mine.
I dont hate children their just not important to me.
some say its 18 years of your life signed away its not it`s the rest of your life.
Never wanted to play mummy when i was a kid.
And i can go on holiday in peace when and where i want ive been to some amazing places as a solo and had some amazing fun.
I have 2 close friends and a sister that never had or wanted kids we go out a lot and holiday together.
I dont worry about old age and i will never agree with having kids to take care of me when im old im sure i can head to a care home.
But until then i love life.

Being childfree by choice is a joy as far as I’m concerned. Much as I like spending time with family & friends, I simply couldn’t cope with living with anyone except my cat - whoever they were. I’m a very sociable introvert who recharges when I close my front door & it’s just the two of us.

I’m 51 & perimenopausal, so there’s no question of changing my mind now. I’d be astounded if I regretted it later, but I was never going to put myself through parenthood on the off-chance.

Yeah I get you. But no big decisions being made here. I’m not in a position where I could have another child. It was just more of a general thought.

its whatever you want it to be. Literally - you can do whatever you like. Absolutely brilliant.

It's freedom, now and for the future, preserved body, being able to be what you want, when you want.
Having means adds more layers to this freedom.

I meant to say, that in my 20's, I had a ball! I went out clubbing, staying out till all hours, travelling, meeting people, working and just living life. I met my now DH when I was 24, but as I said up thread, I waited till we were married and stable before TTC.

I'm mid 40's now. I do sometimes wonder if I'd TTC earlier- would we have living children? I've I'd had more rounds of IVF or if we'd tried donor eggs- would we have a child? I'll never know and made the right decision at the time.

I also wonder what older life will be like for us? My only sibling has no children and DH's half sister and her children are NC. Not that I'd want children or relatives to look after us/help us, but I was thinking today- who would I leave the house to? Who would want that family heirloom etc?

I'm knocking on 50 and I hadn't thought that anyone might still think I would regret it later? I know people are nuts about it, but I'm very much hoping that stage of life has passed - being asked about regrets and stuff.

There are pros and cons to everything. My mum had me at 21, which these days is considered very young, but was less so in the 70s. For me, this was a positive experience. My mum had loads of energy - more than friends' parents who were older. She had fun, creative ideas for things to do when friends came over. Whereas when went to friends houses, the parents wouldn't know how to interact and would serve boiled cabbage for dinner 😂.

The second advantage is that I went away to university when she was 40 and my sister a few years after. So in her early 40s, she suddenly became free again. By that time, she and my dad had more money so were able to travel to far flung places and still had the energy to do so. Also, her career had taken off and was at its most demanding, so she wasn't having to balance that with childcare.

So there are lots of upsides to the route you have chosen.

I don't have children by choice. I'm happily married and we are able to please ourselves. I worry that we will regret that when we are older and need more support. We will be relying on our nieces and nephews wanting their inheritance enough to come and visit and help us out 😏. But when I hear about the struggles of raising kids in an age of social media and political uncertainty, I'm definitely glad I don't have to deal with that. Not having kids has allowed us to pursue our personal interests unencumbered - so we've set plenty of educational, sporting, musical goals and have great achievements in those areas. Overall, I'm very happy with the decision we've taken, but it's lovely to have children in our lives also and we will soon be relocating to be closer to family.

Well I am in my 40s now. I have the exact same feeling about my friends who had children young and kids are now grown and moved out and now they are living their best lives, on holidays, going out all the time and enjoying life. I think now it is better to have kids young.

That’s an interesting reply in turn. Having my children has been in many ways an excuse or certainly a reason for not pursuing a career, for not having much of a social life and so on. The truth is I’m a home bird and that’s lovely and cosy when you have children; somehow when you don’t it’s a bit sad!

Yes, things were easier and I did a lot of interesting things but by my mid-twenties I was over it and ready to start a family. And in the 18 months it took to conceive it got to the point I'd have given all those years up to see two lines on a stick. Almost 18 years and three kids in and I've never looked back.

I has my first at 35. It was great until I was 27 but after that I got really anxious and stressed about having kids and didn't really take advantage of my freedom. I was with the wrong partner and life was not great. Life now is so different, so much harder in many ways but I don't feel that emptiness anymore. I'd still have a fourth if I wasn't too old (yes, 47 is too old!)

This. I'm so, so grateful and life is an absolute joy.

Unlike some childfree people, I do admit to feeling broody from time to time! And I would actually say I'm somewhat on the fence still about having a baby. But for now, I'm loving my child-free life. 😎

I'm absolutely amazed that anyone could be done with a fun, carefree life by mid-20s! I feel like my 30s are so much better than my 20s (which were still fantastic). It just gets better and better.

Shows how different we all are. 🙂

@Darkclothes you leave that family heirloom to other family members or a close friend. Most people have someone. And be aware not all adult children want the family heirlooms.

Quiet. Peaceful. Calm. Quiet.

I knew I didn’t want children from a young age. About 10 I think. I just didn’t get why people would want to devote their one and only life to the whim of others. No biological pull at all from me.

And I can’t tell you how happy I am not to have given in to the societal pressure others may have felt (and boyfriends wanted to place on me). I love my nieces, nephews and friends kids - am godmother to 3, have been babysitter and Cool Aunt to all - but I have never regretted my choice.

I'm 47 amd never regretted not having children. It's peaceful and apart from when I work my time is my own. Love it.

Personally, I was a bit lost in my twenties before I had my dc. I went to uni, met a man, started my career, had nights out, bought a house, did all the things you’re supposed to do but just never had much a purpose. Motherhood gave me a drive and determination I never had before. I’m approaching forty now and they’re almost grown and I’m looking forward to a chapter that’s more for me and DH now I’m grown into myself more!