Do you parents/in laws help you or your children out financially or with childcare

[Warmsunnyevenings]

Just a nosy post really more than anything.

Almost everyone I know gets help from their parents or in laws.

Either through free, regular childcare. Or chipping in for the grandchildren's hobbies or things they need. Or giving grandchildren pocket money. Paying for giving money towards home renovations or paying for weddings, holidays etc.

Interested to know what help others get.

My lovely DM looked after my eldest two days a week from age 1-3. Then she died and my dad got ill. No in laws. I am intensely jealous of people who have childcare. Not for the help (which would be nice), but for the very special relationship between a child and a grandparent.

Am astonished, and a bit terrified at how much financial help people are getting. As I got zero but I am in my 50s.
I don't want my kids to rely on me for their kids' nursery fees but I also don't want them to feel abandoned.
Is it completely outdated to expect my kids to have kids only if they can afford them? Or is that foolish?

Zero. We both left home at 18 and never looked back. I was beaten black and blue until I left, dh had a less shit but still shit time. No financial help at university, though I got the lower loan amount due to parental earnings, or with our home etc.

No help with kids, just lots of guilt over not visiting. Obviously my parents would never be trusted unsupervised with my children. I get increasingly angry about my own treatment the bigger mine get (6 and 3 now).

I know people with no grandparents alive, people with little help, and people with a ridiculous amount of help. I do envy the grandparent relationship I had with my dad's mum who had me and all my cousins every day after school and every holiday, and for sleepovers - on behalf of my kids. They would have loved her, as did I.

It can be rough with no help, but at least you don't feel the obligation.

Edit - I hope to be able to help my kids with hypothetical childcare if (my) work circumstances allow. Certainly weekends/sleepovers whenever they're all ready! And we're saving a nice sum to help with uni/training/home deposit too. We want them to have better than us however we can, and while we're not rich, hopefully a stable loving home life will give them what we never had.

DF dotes on DS paid for his school from 4-18. DP worked away a lot snd I was working full time, DF would pick DS up from school every single day and have him til I finished. Babysat whenever we would need him to. Even used to take him on holiday growing up. Couldn't have asked for a better grandad really and I do know how lucky I have been with him. He really is one in a million. DPs parents were ok when needed but my DF has done the most for us

Let's put it this way. My husband has 7 cousins all in their 20s and 30s and only dh and his older cousin live outside the family home or inlaws home. Dh and I are paying for our own baby (still pregnant) but he is getting a vasectomy after this one (so one child). He is a higher rate taxpayer working in banking. Doubtless lack of family support on either side is a factor. One cousin has 3 children from 2 women (he lives in a rental) but the first wife had a flat gifted to her so she probably pays for bulk of the child's expenses. His other 2 kids are cared for by his MIL. DH's sister pays for childcare (in the usa) but lives with her MIL in her 30s. Probable if there is no family support there will be no grandkids or perhaps 1 or 2 at most..

None at all. They are very wealthy but can’t stretch to more than £20 per grandchild for Christmas. No donations to anything, no babysitting unless we paid for a babysitter at their house. They take the kids out a couple of times a year.

No help financially or with childcare. Parents and inlaws are still working fulltime though so don't begrudge them for not babysitting.

I'm the eldest and first of my siblings to have kids. My two are mostly grown now so don't require a lot of help. My dad is due to retire in a few months and my mum won't be too far behind. When my DB's start having kids, they will get a whole different grandparents experience which can't lie, does make me feel a little sad.

I’m a grandparent. I offered regular money until dc pointed out (kindly) that they did not need it.
I did pay for all of their furniture and the first six months of their bills when they moved (same as I have done for the other grown up dc with no grandchildren).

I can’t offer regular childcare as I work full time but have them as much as I can.

This thread is a bit of an eye opener for me. We were all raised to see it as our duty to financially support DM where possible - holidays etc

I can’t quite get over the amount of people giving their DC financial help, even when it’s not desperately needed.

Its really nice but totally alien to how I was raised

Exactly how I was raised. I was brought up to believe elders should be taken care of, not parents doling out money constantly.

DM doesn't need financial support but I will be taking her into my home if I can manage it, selling her home to pay for it.

This thread is an eye opener. I really dont want my DC to have kids they can't support and I don't want to be bailing them out all the time. Emergencies, yes.

it does make things very unequal if parents can't or won't help.

Free childcare. Both of my children earn a lot of money, and are far richer than I could dream of, so no financial help.

I'm also in my 50s and got no help with the DC. I have no intention of doing regular childcare if they have DC but will offer to babysit regularly for nights out if I'm able. House deposits will probably be inheritance from the grandparents skipping a generation (depending on state of our pensions how much we pass straight over). And we'll be paying for University living costs of course.

No help at all.

PIls all deceased, and were by the time our eldest was born. My parents live in Australia and will not even babysit ours when they or we are visiting for an afternoon or an evening because 'they have done all that and no-one did it for us'. My Dcs are 15 and 13 years. No financial support for anything or childcare offered. My older one is disabled and 4 years ago I was at breaking point trying to keep the show on the road so 'retired' and became a SAHM which saved my sanity. I'm now gradually returning to work on a temp basis with the view to returning properly when Ds1 is relatively independent.

I am often agog at how much support people have with childcare etc - and feel no small amount of envy. I have a friend whose mother gave up her job when her DS1 was born and moved house to the house right next door. DGM does all the school runs and the wraparound care including dinners and sleepovers most nights and cashed in investments to put the child through private school. My friend was very sniffy about me giving up work and told me that it all really boiled down to being 'efficient'. Nup- for her it boils down to the fact her mother parents her children and I don't think she nor her husband understand what a gift that is. I confess I am often very envious of her, for all the support she has. But conversely know she is often envious of me because I am free to do medical appointments, and school runs, and sports day and all that stuff.

I'll also add that i hope to be a very hands on and actively involved GP. My current focus is trying to support DS1 to live as independently as he is able, which should stand him in good stead if he ever has a family of his own. But I would love to be involved in any GCs lives.

No, the opposite in fact.

I pay my DM the going rate for childcare.

No

@Lentilweaver
No I don't think you are foolish.
I'm astonished at the amount of financial support some people get such as school fees and significant house deposits.
I've never had any financial support from my family - there was nothing to give so I've had to make my own way.
I'm 60 this year so was at least fortunate to have free university education. My inheritance from my father was £2000. There will be nothing from my mum, what little they have I want her to use to make her own life more comfortable. She's 82 and not in the best of health.
My son is 21 this year, in his second year at uni. We've had a serious chat about what he will need to do to be able to buy a house of his own. Fortunately he has a great work ethic and saves what he can.
As a single parent I earned enough to give him a good life, holidays, days out, school trips, he never missed out on anything but nor was I able to save.
I was able to help with driving lessons and due to a timely redundancy to give him several thousand towards his first car and insurance.
I claimed a pension last year and got a lump sum so I've been able to start a house deposit fund for him. It's not much but it's a start.
When I retire properly I will be OK financially, not luxury cruise round the world/ multiple holiday comfortable, more like caravan in Wales for a week. So my capacity to help financially will be limited.
So unless he finds a partner from a wealthy family, like me he will have to make his own way in the world. He will have a better start than I did, and of course if my house doesn't get taken up by care home fees, he will have that.
Given that the women in my family tend to be very long lived, we hang around way too long, he will be way past nursery school fees, university fees for his kids if he has them before he gets anything from me.
I'll help out with child care if I can, but I see myself more of a looking after them in the holidays type of nanny. Not because I don't want to help but unless he moves back here after uni, then I won't be close enough for nursery/school run type of support

You sound like a wonderful parent op and I hope as your children get older you can claw back some time for yourself.

My mum worked so helped me with the odd babysitting for nights out etc. She would also buy my daughter a little outfit at times or give her some money on occasions.

Nothing regular though and I wouldn't have expected her to! I'm fiercely independent and always thought that she's my daughter so shouldn't expect others to care or pay for her etc.

I am now the same with my grandson as my mum was with my daughter.

If they are stuck at anytime for childcare I'll try to help, but I work too.

No DM was diagnosed with dementia just after my second was born so needed a lot of help herself while the kids were young (wouldn't wish 2 under 4 and a parent with dementia on my worst enemy). Then any money went on care home fees.

PIL visit a bit but are more work than help, sitting expecting meals etc. they play with my youngest a bit while we work or cook but would never have her on their own.

But you are supporting your children financially?

They live with you without paying any rent - so they have a lot of opportunity to save up money for a house deposit/childcare in the future

It's not really that different, you're just giving your support differently

The grandparent who lives nearby does school pickup once a week and then keeps DD at hers and does dinner until I finish work. The grandparent who doesnt live close by pays for swimming lessons and often sends money when she knows we're going on days out, holidays, etc, which is very kind.

We get quite a lot of support really, not regular childcare as such as I'm a SAHM but my mum usually comes over every Friday to spend the day with the kids and then stays over and goes home Saturday morning, me and DH will often get to have a date night on a Friday which is nice. My Dad is also often on hand to babysit if needed, my eldest has SEN so sometimes I have to do appointments and my parents often help out taking care of my youngest on those occasions.

MIL & DH's stepfather are also a great support, she doesn't provide childcare due to distance. She has a lot of her own caring responsibilities & also juggling a full time job. MIL is so helpful though, every time she visits she always brings meals for the freezer and homemade snacks and treats, she's just lovely. Unfortunately we no longer have contact with FIL.

We are doing good financially so don't need any support in that area but we do still kindly get lots of treats from our parents, meals/ days out etc. Both of our families also wanted to make a contribution towards our wedding which was also very kind. I think my parents are planning on giving us some money when we sell our house to go towards our new property but it certainly isn't expected. We are always very grateful for the support they give as it's not necessary but always appreciated.

No help here, didn't ask or expect it. And i missed out as SiL asked for free childcare or that inlaws pay for 2 days a week of childcare - which they did for 2 kids!