Do you parents/in laws help you or your children out financially or with childcare

[Warmsunnyevenings]

Just a nosy post really more than anything.

Almost everyone I know gets help from their parents or in laws.

Either through free, regular childcare. Or chipping in for the grandchildren's hobbies or things they need. Or giving grandchildren pocket money. Paying for giving money towards home renovations or paying for weddings, holidays etc.

Interested to know what help others get.

my dad is the most hands on

@Lentilweaver not sure why you are so triggered tbh

Nothing from the in-laws. My parents loved having my son and would babysit when ever we needed. My stepmum still gives my son pocket money every month despite him being in his 20’s and working full time 😂. My dad has given me money over the years (not asked for but when we needed things), house deposit, wedding, new car ect. And my stepmum paid for private treatment for my son when he was unwell. My mum doesn’t have much money but is really supportive in every way she can.

I will do the same for my son.

We don't have children but FIL is our "doggy daycare" while we work. He loves it - great company and I often turn up to collect the dog to find them sharing a sandwich or napping together by the fire

@polinkhausive that's awful. I never dictated what the childcare looked like from parents/inlaws - still don't. Just accepted that they did it their way.

We don't get any help. My mum has dementia, my dad and step mum live 150 miles away and have done almost full time childcare for about 18 years (two sets of grandkids with an age gap) and my in-laws are just unhelpful.

What I will say is that I am friends with 3 grandmothers on the school run who do lots of childcare and have done for a decade (our eldest children are year 6). They all feel put upon and tired. They are 100% taken advantage of and feel that even though they do 5 days a week before and after school care and all school runs they feel they have to offer childcare to their other grandchildren at weekends and holidays so they are not seen as favouritism. They can't say no to the families they support as they are guilted into thinking the children's parents can't afford childcare so they absolutely have no choice.

Please be mindful of the above- there must be loads of grandparents (usually grandmothers) experiencing this and feeling resentful.

My son is 22 now but I got lots of help. Mum looked after him full time when I returned to work (I paid her but a fraction of nursery fees). Mum and dad would have him overnight maybe 4 times a year. Once he started school they picked him up after school. He was spoiled by them.

Up until my mum passed a few years ago she was still buying treats for us both when she went shopping.

I made sure my parents were very well treated in return. I'm beyond grateful but more for the impact and emotional bond they had with my son than the financial help. The time they spent together was priceless.

to be honest mine help out so much…I just remembered that my mum rang me yesterday to tell me she bought my dd a new hoody and T-shirt and she had bought me a new cardigan for work. I got a promotion at the start of the month so she said it was a little congratulations gift 🥹

My parents did some childcare when DD was a toddler but they then moved three hours away to retire. My parents were also generous with pocket money and made the effort when we stayed. My brother was always around for emergencies and we paid my teenage niece to babysit.

PIL lived abroad.

My MIL provides daily childcare to my SILs kids and grumbles about it daily. She is completely exhausted. But has been guilted into it. Pretty sure many feel this way.

We had childcare from my in laws every week before we moved recently for DH work. They would have done more if they'd lived closer than they did. Both sets of grandparents now live far away but both involved as they can be/take trips to visit. My DM will send money for things fairly frequently ie £20 for a McDonald's at the weekend or if they needed a clothing item.
I feel surprised and sad by the amount of people on Mumsnet with no grandparent help. In my circles seems like most have loads of grandparent support and we are sometimes sad we don't have grandparents properly close by like plenty of our friends but also very fortunate by the level of input we do have given how far away and from what I see on here too! Also I think in reality we'd actually go mad if either set was just round the corner 🤣

We paid for nursery but our parents helped out in holidays/sick days and baby sitting to let us out at the weekend and 2 weekends away a year
Money wise my DP s don’t have much cash
My Ils do
They have always been generous but increasingly so
Particularly to the DC who are at Uni so cash always useful
Gave us £10 k at Christmas

Personally there are things I've seen grandparents do that I wouldn't feel right asking for. For example one of my DMs friends had to overnight babysit a young breastfed baby so her DD could have a night out. Baby didn't settle and she had to walk around with them all night long. I wouldn't have put my parents through that unless it was some sort of emergency.

I also wouldn't expect regular childcare, I actually prefer that I can let my DP just have fun with my kids when we get together.

MIL still works a 30hour week (although is off 3 days during week) and has hobbies so no childcare. She made it clear she would not want to babysit either. FIL isn't in good enough health. My mum does not drive and lives 45 mins away but even before then would not have felt confident enough to take care of my child. She's highly anxious and great with him whilst I'm there. No one has ever offered adhoc childcare but occasionally we put him to bed while they watch the monitor and we go for dinner for an hour or so. Perhaps 4x since he was born, he's now 2. My parents gifted an expensive pram and always buy lovely Christmas and birthday gifts, or random things. Both would help financially if needed and both put small amounts into monthly savings. PIL are less well off and so do less in that regard. I'm incredibly envious of friends whose parents babysit for a day/eve and help to cook or clean, then get up with DC to allow them a lie in.

I’m probably being prickly but do you not believe it ? I know people who have help try to make it logical to themselves by thinking “oh there’s a back-story , they are controlling over their kids so the gps can’t help , they moved away so their own fault etc . Some families are absolutely shit , my inlaws have loads of issues including alcoholism so we can’t leave our kids with them and honestly they have no interest , they’ve given us zero financial support also. My family are absolutely, completely hands off, on the face of it they seen totally normal but for one example of my situation ; when I had a baby and my parents visited , I had to pick my two other children up from preschool ,I didn’t want to have to dress my baby in a snowsuit, put them in the car etc ( v cold winters here ) and I just said casually (it was a 10 min drive) can I just leave the baby here and my parents actually said “oh I don’t think so , we aren’t comfortable “ so that was that , put him in his snowsuit, dragged him out -even 10 fckn mins was too much!!! My sister who never offers ever was planning on staying with us and I asked would she mind them for our 10th wedding anniversary, she agreed but then cancelled terrified that they’d wake up while we were out , really …. I’ve countless examples of this , they.don’t.want.to.know/help.
These people all seem totally normal in RL! This is the reality for us , there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it . We are paying a babysitter 300 pounds to go to a wedding soon overnight and we’ll have to be home by 1pm..my family know and don’t care /don’t offer.

Huge amount of help here. Used to be childcare, now mainly financial. If we need it and they can afford it, we get it. There have been times I wouldn’t have coped without them.

I have six adult children. I have been fortunate enough to earn a high five figure salary. Still working though I plan to retire soon. I only stayed at work the last few years so I could give them all a house deposit (also had a flat to sell as well). I regularly visit the 3 who live abroad and pay fully for everything when they are coming here. Help if they need things such new boiler or shower. I have the grandchildren who live in this country once a month for the weekend and also odd days so the parents can have a spa day or a relaxing lunch. I know I am very fortunate to be able to help.

I really don’t understand parents who could help, whether practically or financially, not doing so.

These OPs always attract (quite reasonably) those posters who don't receive help. And I get it. Assuming that the grandparents have the money or the time to help, it must be a bit disappointing if they don't want to, even if we all know that no-one of entitled to either.

I'm the grandma. After my DH died, I felt that our kids deserved some kind of inheritance from him (his was a simple will leaving everything to me) so I helped one DD with a house deposit, and the other one to pay off a bit of her mortgage.
I do childcare when needed (occasionally my DD and son in laws shifts clash), contribute to the nursery costs, and am always happy to have the littlies for sleepovers.

The thing is, all my friends do the same or similar. I don't know anyone who doesn't support their children and grandchildren in whatever way they are able to. So I find it disappointing to see so many posts from people whose parents don't. It doesn't reflect on my experience. But I do recognise that an OP like this is a safe space for those people to vent. And I'm sorry that they have too.

ETA, heh. When I started writing that essay, most of the posts were from those with no help. While I was typing, all the lucky posters arrived!

MIL &PIL used to stay for long weekend once a year so me and DH could go away some where. They live too far for regular babysitting but have helped with that type of one off thing. They've helped a bit financially but can't afford loads.
My parents have done similar amount of babysitting but have contributed to car purchases and house deposit. They've put some money into a fund for GC.

Same here. I'm very proud of that too.

I have posted too much on this thread because I am genuinely confused as to how to treat adult DC..Caught between two cultures.

They both live with me rent free. I can afford it) Apparently this is spoiling them, accordiing to MN. But if in a few years they have kids they cant afford, I should pay for boilers and swimming lessons? This is not spoiling them though?

My parents looked after our kids in school holidays. In the summer they did 4 weeks split 2 at theirs and 2 at ours. Luckily we both live in tourist resorts with beaches and plenty of things going on. They had an amazing relationship with them.

We now have Dad living with us as he has a dementia diagnosis. We always would have taken him in like this but I also think he really deserves it after looking after the children for us so much.

No you absolutely shouldn’t . You should enjoy your freedom! I am looking forward to having an empty nest and travelling . I’ve had my chn and brought them up. They can do the same for theirs if they have any!

Mine are early 20s. My mum and dad were brilliant at helping me. Took the kids out, treated them. Took us on holiday with them every year to the seaside. We wouldn't have been able to afford a holiday if it wasn't for them. I wish I could help my children with deposits and help with future weddings costs but I can't. If I have grandchildren I may not be able to give financial support but I will give any other support I can.

That's how I feel but I go back and forth.
I think they should manage mostly on their own, with my help for emergencies or illness or even getting away once in a while. I want to travel and enjoy myself.
But I am clearly very out of date because people are providing house deposits and holidays and all sorts!
I am in London so house deposits will clean me out. I think DC will rent for ever as they dont want to leave London.