How should I handle this wedding issue

[Kbroughton]

I am getting married next year and we are sending save the date cards. My cousin had an emotional/sexting affair with my ex husband. It didnt last long and I blame him far more than her, but still, she never apologised. I have three cousins who I get on well with and want to invite. My Mum says that that will cause issues with her and her sisters, and make everything awkward and has asked I either invite all the cousins or none of them. I really don't want sex messaging cousin to come, I didnt like her much before this issue (she was always really condescending towards me) but I don't see why her poor behaviour should mean my other cousins don't come. But equally don't want to upset my Mum or cause problems. What to do.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5281131-not-invited-to-cousins-wedding
It's not this one is it?

Under normal circumstances I would say invite all cousins or none. These are not normal circumstances. You are right to exclude a cousin who was involved with your cheating XH.

I'm going to go against the grain and say invite her if it will make your mum happy.

I can't imagine she'll be thrilled to be there, she might even decline, and if she doesn't she'll see what a favour she did you.

There’s a thread on AIBU about an upset cousin not invited to a wedding.

Invite or don’t invite who YOU want.

Is their a risk one if the others brings her as a plus one? It's one thing not to invite her but another to ban her entirely.

Does the family know what happened?

What should have made things awkward between your Mum and her sisters was one of their daughters sexting your husband.

I see a PP said be the bigger person and invite them, but like hell I'd pay for someone to attend my wedding if they'd done that to me.

Your mum needs to have a look at her priorities.

Excuse me, but no. Your mum gets zero say in your wedding invitations.

I'd invite the cousins you want there.

I don't think you should have to invite anyone to your wedding who makes you think of your ex's dick pics, especially not while you're cutting a big cake.

You should do whatever you want. Your wedding, your rules.

If mum has an issue then that's her problem. Not yours.

It’s your wedding not your mums! So you tell your mum your inviting the cousins that haven’t betrayed you and if she has a problem she can stay at home with the one who went behind your back. The only people you have to please are you and the groom

Ha no it isnt. but that thread inspired me to write this one! I haven't actually sent the save the date ones yet. To answer some other questions:

• I have thought about being the bigger person, but its a small wedding really and it would make me uncomfortable
• do think that she may well turn up if invited
• Good point about the plus one. I don't think so they all have wives/husbands so I will specify their names rather than plus one it.

-ha re the dick pick comment, I do think it's exactly that. I dont want to be reminded of a horrible part of my life that I have largely put behind me (there were far more than my cousin, and more than just sexting)

I just didnt want to upset my Mum who can be a bit funny sometimes. I will just kindly say that if any of the aunties have a problem to speak to me and I will explain it.

And thanks everyone this thread has made me laugh.

This!

Honestly invite her and hopefully she will be too embarrassed to come. Or publicly invite her but contact her separately and say you don’t really want her there.

Does your mum even know what sexting is?

If not, I'd explain it to her explicitly and then ask again if she thinks your cousin should be invited.

It's weird that a few people on this thread think you should invite her after what's happened.

Hell, why not invite your ex husband too? 🙄

Bloody hell. Obviously don’t invite her. Who gives a shit if she is the only one not invited? She was sexting your soon-to-be-husband.

If she fronts it out, coolly remind of that. Same for any other weird and interfering family members.

Speaking of said husband, he is frankly lucky this wedding is going ahead at all.

No she was sexting my ex husband not this one!! I wouldn't be going ahead with a wedding in that scenario . Although i do sometimes wonder why i did marry the last one :D

“Mum it’s not your wedding. I don’t want her there for obvious reasons. It’s not up for discussion. She shouldn’t have sent a picture of her fanny to my ex husband should she?” (Or whatever she did)
And obviously don’t invite the tramp (cousin not mum), you’d look like a right mug if you did invite her.

Is this known within the wider family? Surely they wouldn't expect her to be invited?

It isn't up to your mum who you invite, it's your wedding.

My biggest regret about my wedding is letting my mother in law talk us in to inviting some of her family we never ever see and my DH has never had any relationship with. Cost us an extra £1200 pounds. One of the aunts who was invited had messaged and asked if her daughter could please come, so we added her on for £120 per head. On the day her mum, never even spoke to us as we did the rounds at the tables and went to the toilet then when we approached her at the bar for a chat excused herself to the toilet, never gave a card and never apologised her dd just hadn't come. Her dd never contacted us either. I'd advise not to let your mum talk you in to this.

OP you need to stand up for yourself.

You don’t want her there. Do not invite her.

Anyone who has a problem with that you answer by saying ‘are you actually asking me
to invite the person who had a role in the demise of my marriage to come to my wedding? Think that one through… anyone who thinks that I’m the issue here needs their heads testing. Actions have consequences’

Your mum needs to stop being a people pleaser… she’s happy to upset you to ‘keep the peace’ with her sisters. Remind her that any fall out is the responsibility of your cousin and don’t back down.

Edited to add… tell your mum that in backing your cousin coming to the wedding she’s making clear that she’s ok with how she treated her daughter. Let her know how hurtful that is and tell her you’re not discussing it any further.

Jesus op. Your mum is such a people pleaser she can’t even prioritise her own dd on her WEDDING DAY!

No she shouldn’t come. Absolutely not and your mother needs therapy. This is so unhealthy. This is your day, not hers.

It's none of your DM's business - invite nice cousins and the other one can whistle.

It's not your mums wedding. So it's not her choice

It is absolutely reasonable to not invite her and yes still include the other cousins.